So my XH (DD and DS dad) has been very ill. I think for the first time DD and DS have had to face the fact that we are not spring chickens any more. DD has become attentive. She wanted to do a surprise for her dad who is in the hospital. She has emailed and texted about it until I really was tired of it. I started to feel resentful about all my cheerleading for DD, and her never once asking about me, or my life or how I will spend the holidays. But then I realized that she never had a chance to bond with her dad (we divorced when she was 7 and he was not the best at being in their lives). So after days of corresponding with me about this surprise, which is a good one and the newspaper has even gotten involved because it is a great story, my DD told me yesterday that "you know, I never even really knew my dad until I was 26 years old."
And then we talked about how DS has never had a chance to bond with his dad and that may be a lot of his problems. "I told him he has to grow up now," my DD told me she told DS, who had (amazingly) driven a long way to see his dad. And DD said she told her dad that he had work to do to get well. Then DD told me her dad told her, "you know, you could do some work on things yourself." Meaning how she has treated me. I told him I'm trying, my DD told me.
So I would never have believed that my XH would facilitate better communication between me and DD from his ICU hospital bed. Both DD and DS have always known I would lay my life down for them but they probably have never known that their dad loved them. DD said, "Dad says he loves me now for every 5 times I say I love him, and he even looks at me when he says it." All these things as a mother that come so easy for me with my AC have been unattainable with their dad until now. (I think this is one reason why as moms we are so mad at our X, for this pain they have caused to our kids) I am so glad that I have looked at the bigger picture instead of feeling this resentment. Such hard work but I think I can see now a bit of the pain through my DD eyes, wanting so the love of her father. I am glad I have listened to her and glad she has included me in her journey. It was a great Christmas present to feel my DD new awareness.