Strength in numbers

[Begonia]

Hello everyone:  I am brand new here and thank goodness I found this site last night when I was having very bad thoughts.  Yesterday my adult daughter (45) called me out of the blue and said all these hurtful things to me.  This has happened before, repeatedly, over the years, usually when she is in some kind of crisis in her own life.  She hasn't been answering my emails or calls and yesterday I suspected she had had a drink or two. I divorced her dad because of alcoholism when she was 7 and her brother 4.  He was a hopeless father (like so many of you say), and I kept things together and never spoke against him.  Rah, Rah, Rah for your dad, he is a good person he just forgets to pick you up sometimes, or your birthday or or or...you all know the story.  I remarried when the kids were 11 and 7, to a man who provided all the good things in life that I knew we needed: house, picket fence, travel, etc.  I loved him but he was a nasty man in many ways and very emotionally abusive.   When my son moved out for college I divorced him (now TWO divorces in a family of no divorces) and since 1992 I have been living a productive single and professional life.  I am very generous with money, gifts and love to my kids and the four grandkids.  I never ask for a thing and they frequently "forget" about me on holidays, etc.  I am just too darn good to them, like begging for a bone.  My kids and I were always very close, as you are when you are a single parent.  I am a fabulous mom and grandmom and sometimes my daughter is like syrup on pancakes, then the next day she will call and rage against me.  Drugs?  Alcohol?  How do you know when they live 6 hours away? 

I woke up last night  when I read all these posts from GOOD women who have the same story.  Then I got mad.  It is NOT just me.  I am allowing these snotty spoiled kids to be nasty to me and then when they call me I reward them with another present.  It was very clear to me that it has to end.  It is my guilt that has fueled this fire and the kids, learning to be emotionally abusive from their step-father, have screwed my balls to the wall (pardon the expression,,,I don't have balls..lol).  And I am helping them do it because I think, in some sick way that I have to always be a mother, regardless of how nasty they are.  No more.  Thank you posters for saying the things you say to empower me. 

Today I blocked my daughter's FB and tomorrow I change my beneficiaries.  My reasoning is that if they are not respectful enough to call me or think of me or invite me to things, then I am not going to inconvenience them with spending any inheritance money.  I have wonderful grandchildren and I will set up college trusts for them. 

I worked my way up from us being on food stamps for a few months after my first divorce to now having a Ph.D. and a great job.  I have never asked my kids for anything except understanding when I was struggling through my second divorce.  I have a great relationship with my first husband (kids' father) who has turned out to be a great father/grandfather when he quit drinking. 

Anyway, thank you for listening, I am feeling more emotionally centered about this whole deal.  Like someone said here, "you had a life before you had kids and you will have a life if they are not in your life," or something like that.  That was very eye-opening.  If they want me to be miserable they will not succeed.  Bravo wise women,,,there is life out there beyond looking like a ragamuffin and pleading with your  kids to love you.  No more.  Bless you all, if I can say that after such a rant....lol.....

[Pooh]

Welcome Begonia!  That was not only a great rant, but a productive one full of strength, wisdom and courage!  I am impressed with your thoughts!  I'll just say....YOU GO GIRL!

[Begonia]

Thank you....yesterday I was on a pure pity party after my daughter's call and WOW, the posts here just woke me up...I am not going to be pathetic and that is what I was/have been.  No more.  I realized that the posts I was reading were from these quality women who, like me, have given their blood, sweat and tears to be mothers and it enraged me to think we are being slapped with disrespect from our kids.  It was so clear that I needed to take back my power.  It's never too late to have a better and more peaceful life.  And I am ok with that being without my kids interactions.  My grandkids love me and I have one who is 21 now and we are close.  The others are minors yet and can't make their own decisions, but there will be a time when we will be close too.  So thanks again. 

[Pen]

Begonia, welcome. I'm glad to hear you've already received wisdom and support from reading posts here. It's good to have you on board. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute or two to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine; we just want to be sure everyone knows the forum policies.

Let's hear it for taking back our lives and finding our centers again!

[luise.volta]

Welcome - I applaud you for reading posts here before posting yourself. It makes a big difference when a "newbie" comes in having a sense of who are and what we have to offer. You're a good fit...please make yourself at home. And most of all, congratulations for your stance of self-respect. Sending love...

[Begonia]

Thanks so much, Luise, I loved reading your supportive and firm replies to everyone last night when I was in such angst.  Thanks again for providing this site....

[luise.volta]

[not like the movies]

three cheers

[sorrowhasaname]

Hey Begonia! I like your attitude!  'then I am not going to inconvenience them with spending any inheritance money.' This statement not only gave me a laugh, but it hit home because we just decided  and are in the process of rewriting everything to skip a generation. Bless you. You gave me a real boost this morning. I'm glad that you are here!

[Begonia]

Thanks for your nice comments!!   Today I am feeling so free. A little sad but very optimistic.  I realize that every day I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop with my kids.  Or waiting for them to reply to a call or an email. Tiptoeing around.  I was feeling like a droopy pair of pantyhose., kind of like my life was over if my kids weren't in it. Not having any idea, really, what it was they are so mad about...they will never say except that I said something hurtful "Last May or last Christmas...."  I do sometimes say things wrong, like asking my daughter if she is safe because her husband went into outpatient treatment for anger management and the grandgirls have said they are afraid of his temper...I think this is what mother's do...keep their children/grandchildren safe if we can. 

I sent a note to my daughter a few days ago saying I would like to come over before school starts (and I would take the girls school shopping, or for our usual treats at Barnes & Noble, etc.).  I told my daughter that I would get a cake and ice cream to celebrate her birthday on Sept 8th.  (Begging, begging, begging UGH I can see this now and it is embarrassing to me to admit that I have let my kids bully me---how does that happen?  Because I went along with it, that's why).  The response to my suggestion of a visit was her nasty phone call four days later that resulted in me looking out of the box toward a different way to act.  I always try to reason with my daughter and she always comes around to being nice. Years of this. Now I know it is like the honeymoon phase when living with an alcoholic.  She mayl not change but I can.  And I can do it rationally and without hating.  I still love my kids but no more of their bullying. 

Happy to be here and good luck to all of you who struggle with these issues...sending a circle of love out to you...

[Keys Girl]

Welcome Begonia, and your point about inheritances is well taken.  I've changed my will and have also changed the emergency contact data with my doctor.  If I were ever to become ill, the last thing I would like to see is my son and his new bride walking in the door of a hospital room.

You are right, there are honeymoon phases, but they don't tend to last.........circle of love right back to you......and to all the women on this site.

[SusieQ123]

Hi Begonia,

I am new here also, and loved your rant.  I want to give my son a chance to forgive me and have a better relationship, but if he chooses to continue down the path he's been on, then things will change.  Change of beneficiary, no more walking on eggshells, no more spending money I don't have for ungrateful people.........no more doormat mom.

[luise.volta]

Yay!!

[Canuck Grannie]

Double yay from up here in Canuckistan!!!

[sesamejane]

I so know that feeling of "begging" and being soo careful not to offend any of them.  It is awful!  And what's more it doesn't work!  My kids dont' treat me any better when I give give give.  This is how bad I was.  When they came to visit, I used to make them breakfast in bed.  In fact when they were younger at home, I used to like to do it too. Isn't that crazy?  I enjoyed it though, a form of my love for them.  I have said before that I came from an abusive FOO, and when I was young I spent the night at a friend's house; I must have been about 10.  Her German grandmother lived with them and did special things like that. Bringing breakfast in bed, or cake out when we were playing.  I guess it impressed me, and I did it with my kids.  Being attentive and nice does not work with them I have come to understand, and I end up feeling hurt.  Not a good way to live.

I also have found that my ds and dil used their children as weapons against the grandparents - it wasn't just me, they did it to her parents too.  You know, they get mad about something and keep the grandchildren from having contact.  It is cruel and not healthy for the gc.  I made a decision to keep my distance when I discovered this.  I love those kids and don't like them being yanked around.

I admire your confidence Begonia.  It is inspiring.  My ds is out of the will, but I had forgotten about protecting myself if anything should happen that limits my abilities!  Thank You!  Will get on that right away!