The bigger picture

[Begonia]

Things have been ragged but hopeful with DD; no contact since May with DS.   I mailed off these books of my adventure in Antarctica to my grands (2 from each AC).  My DGD who has ADHD and has had a lot of struggles was so impressed with the book!!! My oldest GD called to say thanks. Warmed my heart.  I also got a lovely present from DD and family.   I have no idea if DS two little ones got the books or not.  When I asked my DD if I should send them to DS she said, wisely, "Mom, it's the intention of love in your heart, not what happens on the other end."  So true. 

So my XH (DD and DS dad) has been very ill.  I think for the first time DD and DS have had to face the fact that we are not spring chickens any more.  DD has become attentive.  She wanted to do a surprise for her dad who is in the hospital.  She has emailed and texted about it until I really was tired of it.  I started to feel resentful about all my cheerleading for DD, and her never once asking about me, or my life or how I will spend the holidays.  But then I realized that she never had a chance to bond with her dad (we divorced when she was 7 and he was not the best at being in their lives).  So after days of corresponding with me about this surprise, which is a good one and the newspaper has even gotten involved because it is a great story, my DD told me yesterday that "you know, I never even really knew  my dad  until I was 26 years old." 

And then we talked about how DS has never had a chance to bond with his dad and that may be a lot of his problems.  "I told him he has to grow up now," my DD told me she told DS, who had (amazingly) driven a long way to see his dad.  And DD said she told her dad that he had work to do to get well.  Then DD told me her dad told her, "you know, you could do some work on things yourself."  Meaning how she has treated me.  I told him I'm trying, my DD told me. 

So I would never have believed that my XH would facilitate better communication between me and DD from his ICU hospital bed.  Both DD and DS have always known I would lay my life down for them but they probably have never known that their dad loved them.  DD said, "Dad says he loves me now for every 5 times I say I love him, and he even looks at me when he says it."  All these things as a mother that come so easy for me with my AC have been unattainable with their dad until now. (I think this is one reason why as moms we are so mad at our X, for this pain they have caused to our kids) I am so glad that I have looked at the bigger picture instead of feeling this resentment.  Such hard work but I think I can see now a bit of the pain through my DD eyes, wanting so the love of her father.  I am glad I have listened to her and glad she has included me in her journey.   It was a great Christmas present to feel my DD new awareness.

 

[nikncon]

Dear Begonia ,so glad to get some of your news.Sometimes when we look at the bigger  picture we see things differently.So glad that your AC are growing up and realising everything that you did for them.Sometimes an illness makes a family bond Your  DS and DD missed out on knowing their dad. This really affects them .It was the same for my two DS.It's too late for my ODS as his DF and DB have passed.Your AC still have a chance to bond with your x.Good luck.

[luise.volta]

What a touching story and my hat's off to you, B. We heal from the inside out, I think...not the outside in. Sending love...

[Elise]

What a great outcome Begonia. I admire very much the balance you have found in allowing other perspectives to inform your own.  It can be so hard to walk in the other persons' shoes, even when they tell us how it is for them, and much more difficult when you have to suss it out on your own as you have.  Have a wonderful Christmas - it is a special season of miracles after all.

[Begonia]

Thank you, sweet wise women: Luise, Elsie and Nik..  I send you a thousand good wishes for the new year. 

The newspaper put the story about my DD and her dad on the front page today...it was very touching and uplifting. Like you say, Elsie, there are miracles. 

[Pen]

Begonia, thank you for sharing this story with us. A thousand good wishes back to you for the new year!

[Begonia]

My apologies Elise, I always get my fingers tangled up when I type your name!!