Feeling wobbly, need a little support

[Begonia]

My birthday is coming up.  It is tradition for years and years that AC and I call each other on our BD to sing Happy BD; they sometimes say, "Am I the first one to call?"   It is a fun competition.  This year, after being estranged from DS since May, and DD has just stopped contacting me (for no reason, it seemed things were friendly after our split a year ago and we had been exchanging a few texts, photos, etc.). Now nothing for weeks. And I no longer keep trying to connect.

I don't want to hope for their calls, because it makes me sad to think of it not happening, but how do I stop?  It makes it worse because my BD is on Thanksgiving.  My sis has invited me to be with their family, but it requires a lot of travel and frankly I am not into the whole chaos of Black Friday traffic.  I know this sounds like I am being a martyr, but I don't want to spend my BD snarled in traffic. I do have friends here who I could spend the day with, and I could volunteer at the free dinner like I have in the past, which is very satisfying. I guess I just want the whole day to be over.

Arrrgh, this is difficult, it's like waiting for a tornado.  These are the things that cause me to relapse into feeling down. Can you offer some reflections?  Appreciate all of you!!

[jdtm]

Can you offer some reflections?

I find that the thrill and anticipation of a happy event more exciting than the actual event.  I believe that the opposite is also true - the dread and fearfulness of a sad event more devastating than the actual event.  Perhaps the tornado is passing by right now.  Just one opinion ....

[Elise]

I hope you do whatever will make you feel ok on your birthday, be it staying home or going to your sister. For myself, sometimes when there is a difficult day I must get through somehow, I tell myself it is only 24 hours and it will be over. That helps me somehow - be it a holiday without family or a birthday without hearing from my son, both which happened last year. Usually being with people helps me even when I sort of just want to have a private pity party.  I have in  the past given myself 10 minutes on those days to stand in front of a mirror or just sit and think about how sad I feel and even cry a bit. After the ten minutes, I pick myself up and get on with whatever is available to me rather than focus on what is not available to me. Faking it is highly under rated on those days in my opinion. Nothing will probably prevent you hurting on those special days, though you may find your own way to mitigate the painful thoughts and feelings.  Hugs to you.

[Begonia]

jdtm & Elsie: Thank you, you both offer different windows to look through.  I know that once I get somewhere (with my sister, with friends) that I am usually glad I have gone.  I love the idea of having my few minutes of sadness just for me and then getting on to other things...Hugs back to you...

[Scoop]

 Hugs to you Begonia!

Okay, you need a PLAN, so that you're not foundering over 'maybes'.

Plan A - FUN-FUN-FUN  Go to your sister's and enjoy yourself as much as possible.  Really let your hair down.  But make sure you get yourself  a new CD or book on tape to listen to in the car.   The CD should be something that you can sing along to at a LOUD volume - showtunes, AC:DC, whatever floats your boat - BELT IT OUT.  If you can get a copy of the book "Let's pretend this never happened" by Jenny something or other who blogs as The Bloggess - she's HILARIOUS.  You'll be laughing your head off.  Throughout all of this, when you think of your kids, you'll have to say "too bad so sad FOR THEM, they're missing all of this and ME".  Personally, I would be thinking RUDER words, but Luise doesn't like to hear us talk like that.

Plan B - RELAXATION  Prepare yourself for a day of pampering and relaxation.  Unplug your phone, turn off your cell, cover your computer.  The only TV that's acceptable would be yoga DVD's or similar, or having the "spa music" or "nature music" channel on from the satellite TV music channels.  Prepare yourself some spa water and light but delicious meals (and gloat that everyone else is probable feeling STUFFED).  Take a detox bath with epsom salts.  Do your finger and toe nails.  Do a mud facial.  Do a hair nourishing mask.  Slather on some thick and wonderful smelling lotion.  Listen to or read a calm book that nourishes your soul (sorry, I have no recommendations).  Take a nap.  Do some light exercise, go for a nature walk or do some stretches.  Your mentality that day, will be that you are taking care of YOURSELF, mind, body and soul.  If you have negative thoughts, you have to (and I don't care if it sounds silly, but you HAVE to) put them in a bubble and blow them away.  Seriously, make a shape of a bubble with your hands, mentally put the thought in there and actually BLOW it away.  Surround yourself and your space with white light.

Plan C - WORK  For this you're going to banish all thoughts of everything else, because you've got TOO MUCH to do.  Put your gardens to bed for the winter.  Clean the garage.  Clean out the storage area.  Organize your books.  Organize your Christmas decorations.  Do you know someone who needs help?  Help them.  Help at the free dinner or the shelter.   Do your Christmas baking.  Bake some extra for the people at the shelter.  (A friend of mine once brought a beautifully decorated sheet cake to the shelter on Christmas Eve and they were SO appreciative.)  In fact, you can make it a whole birthday month plan that you're planning on helping 60 people for your 60th birthday!

Anyone else have any other ideas?

[Doe]

Good ideas - my only addition is to take some preemptive action by sending out the message to your DD that you won't be around on T'gving.  I won't be available that day so I hope you have a happy one, blah blah blah.  That way you won't be wondering that day and listening out for the call.

[Begonia]

Scoop:  I felt BETTER just reading your post.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking all the time to write this out.  You are a birthday present and it ain't even my birthday yet!!!  Love these ideas.  I realize now that it isn't so much about going to see my sister as it is about coming home, driving all that way by myself (5 hours).  I have done this alone since I got divorced in 1992 and I am just tired of it. 

So nurturing myself sounds like the best idea of all.  Going to the free dinner to WORK, so I have something scheduled (you're so right about that...fill the time).  And then spending the rest of the weekend doing kind things for myself or others. 

Doe: Thanks for your suggestion. Part of me would like to do just that. But, I know my DD would use that as one more thing to hold against me, that I am trying to hurt her by telling her I am not going to be home, so knowing her I am opting for silence. No more games with her.  And knowing me, I will answer the phone if it rings and I can hear it.  If it doesn't ring I am treating the day like any other.  I am putting my bubble around me, like my therapist tells me.  And a person never knows WHO might call out of the blue...maybe that old boyfriend whose mother has the same BD as me??  But ooops, he's married, forgot.  Ha.  I am trying to think with a loving heart, no matter. 

Hugs back to you WW.

[Scoop]

Begonia - our library will let you "borrow" books on tape,  you should check yours out.  Do you have an ipod? Maybe you can download a book for the trip?  We even have an adapter that will play our ipod music over the car radio - it could be your gift to yourself.

Five hours in the car is a long time, but it's long enough to listen to a book AND belt out some good tunes!

Is it stressful at your sister's?  Could you spend another day there?

I just really want you to be in a place (even a head space) where if your phone rings or not, it doesn't impact you.

[Notgivingup]

Everyone has such GREAT suggestions! I am going to read Scoops suggestions OFTEN! I started using some of the suggestions today:) and I may even buy some bubbles today to help me remember to put those negative thoughts in bubbles and blow them away!

I would like to add that I am finding it very helpful to eat healthy, limiting sugar, flour, fats and alcohol. I know it sounds hard but I'm on my second week and I've started losing weight, sleeping better and wanting to get busy on projects and doing outdoor activities I enjoy. Please consider putting yourself first for a change!

I've even planned a 3 day camping trip for myself and my other kids in two weeks. I invited my DD but she did not respond. That's OK...I know I invited her and she will be the one missing out, not us.

LIFE GOES ON! Walk it in love!

[Begonia]

Scoop: Yes, I love the books on tape and my I-pod...Here is the deal with my sis.  Sis and hubby are going to the city where two of their AC live so we will be staying in a hotel. If it were just sis and hubby ok, but they dote on their AC and sometimes it gets to be a bit much and not very much fun and I am quite a fifth wheel.  Most of this is just me as they are wonderful folks and very kind to me but my gut says not to go.  Even my sis last night when I asked her if they had made plans she said not yet.  They are not planners so I will not even know where they are staying until the last minute. That is not fun for me as I am a planner. It really sounds like I am a wet blanket but I have lots of experiences with them to know how things go   And it ain't always fun   ....but we have never had a falling out.  We are all good about letting things go.

NGU:  WE CAN DO THIS!!!  Thanks for the uplifting note on your progress.

[Pooh]

And then come here and we'll sing to you!!!!  (gonna be really glad that you can't hear me when I start)

[Begonia]

Pooh:  That is the SWEETEST thing....thank you.  Who cares how somebody sounds when they sing HBD?  It's the thought that counts and you count a lot.  It is just the best place to come to when I feel all sad n' stuff...lol.  Such a great family we have here!! 

[herbalescapes]

It's your birthday - be a martyr or a wet blanket or whatever.  Priviledge of being the bday gal.  Sounds like going to sis' wouldn't be the best.  Maybe arrange to visit just sis and her hubby the following weekend so you have something family-ish to look forward to?  Have fun whatever you choose.

[Pen]

Is there a halfway point between your towns where you & sis could meet for a special outing (or just lunch, whatever) on a day not filled with holiday tension?

[Keys Girl]

Do it up, Begonia, do whatever makes you happy!

KG