Feeling a little wobbly

[Begonia]

Hello Strong Women:  Here it is Christmas Eve morning and I woke up with that dull foreboding feeling.  Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my DD (from a mail order book store). I was really happy to get a "present." But, I had been thinking back (bad activity) and this just felt so empty to me.  Then I reminded myself that my DD usually is 2 weeks late with things, if at all, and my heart warmed up.  I knew I was dwelling on those old ghosts of Christmas past where family was together and the house was all bustling. Today I am up early to chase away the blues and go shopping. I have lots of activities for the next two days and then I will see DD and D sis families on NY.  I have absolutely nothing to feel blue about.  Then this floats into my mind.

There is a memory that I have chased away for all these years (20 years) and that is of our last family Christmas together when my then abusive H said some horrific things to my son as we were opening packages. It wasn't a surprise that he did this--he was emotionally abusive to all of us, but I had it in my head that Christmas was a holy time and he would be kind and loving toward us for that night.  That event was so horrible that it gave me the push to move to the guest room and move out a few months later followed by a divorce. We had been together 18 years.  It fractured our little family (me, DD and DS).   My DD and I have spoken about this but DS, DD and I have never talked together. It seems as if it is a wound that won't heal.  I know it is a shameful event for my son because of the horribleness of XH comments, which I don't need to share--all of you WW know about bad comments.

Any suggestions from my WW friends?  Getting this out here helps me to acknowledge it and read it over.  I had this feeling that "Oh for goodness sake, get over it, nobody died."  Perhaps this is why it doesn't heal because I have not fully acknowledged how damaging this was and I down play it.  But it signifies the end of my belief in Christmas, the end of my family as I knew it, the end of decorating my lovely home, and the end of the relationship I thought I would have forever. Time sort of stopped for me while my life went along with much success.  It's just now, these days, that the ghosts come around. I am not one to complain about things to others (except to you WW  bless your hearts) so this is something I have never shared until now.  Maybe this year I will make progress toward closing that wound. Thanks, all.

[Kate123]

Hi Begonia, I too was up early today with the ghosts of Christmas past and wishing with all my might that I could turn back the clock to a happier time.
Your X sounds like a horrible person and you did the right thing by leaving him. Your children should feel very loved that you did that for them and you should not feel bad; he (X) was the abuser and you did what you could at the time. Maybe after the holidays you can sit down with your ACs and ask them how they feel about the past situations.
Life can be full of regrets and guilt for things we may not even be responsible for. Luise says we need to live in the "right now" so try to focus on your NY's. Sorry I don't have more advice but just know that we here understand, and that you should not be so hard on yourself bc you did the best you could and that is all anyone can do.

[Begonia]

Kate: your words mean so much to me, thank you for just being there when I needed a little comfort.  It just helped me to write about it and your words that "my children should feel loved that I did that for them" were so uplifting that I felt that bounce of optimism return! 

So Kate, know that you were just my Christmas angel this morning.  And I wish for you great happiness today and that your heart will be light.  Make some memories today that surround you with love.  And I will too.   Let's change our view of the past and know that all those events brought us to today and to here for each other.  Thank you again. Hugs out to you ((((  )))).

[luise.volta]

Beloved B. - I don't think we can keep those things locked up and do well. Writing about it and sharing your thoughts with us is a healing thing to do, IMO. It was awful...why try to say it wasn't? When we sweep things under the rug, it leaves a bump in the rug...and we trip over it. When we bring them out into the open, we can sweep them up and throw them out. Sending love...

[Begonia]

Thank you so much Luise...your wisdom and guidance are blessings beyond.  I treasure you for giving all of us a safe place to meet and I admire so much your open heart.  I wish for you the best of health and some wealth  , and peace in the way you want it. And I send you love from my heart.  You are so right about the bumps in the rug, I feel that I have moved ahead another peg today.  I grieved and I let it go.  Thank you.

I put my "big girl panties" on today and decided to make things beautiful by putting up lights in my back garden.  They are shining now and I hope in some small way they might send out a bit of joy to others who walk by.  They remind me of what is meaningful and how fortunate I am to have friends, family who love me even if on their own terms, a good job, and two cats who thoroughly enjoyed their new cat nip presents!!   

Wishing joy to the WW World!  Hang in there, everyone...you're doing GOOD!!   

[nikncon]

I can relate to your situation.You did leave which I didn't do.You had more confidence than I had.I admire you for that.This did affect my DS deeply.He and I both have had councilling.Speaking with your DS would be great if he wants to discuss it.My son never spoke about it.He  finally decided on his own after many years to try therapy.You have to talk to somebody.Good luck.

[Lovethemboth]

What a great step to helping all of you. You are taking care of yourself and your kids by doing so and, if they are ready, they will respond. I find my children are not always on the same page as I am with wanting to discuss past situations, but I still try. So many things happened in our past lives. I am just beginning to be able not to dwell on those events and let them keep dragging me down. I hope and pray that you continue the self loving act you began. For years I hated Christmas. Now I try to look at it (and other holidays) as a time to focus on any and all joys I currently have in my life. Believe me, some holidays that is not easy! Continuing to allow yourself to be punished is self abuse. IMHO I think we really have to love ourselves and think of our strength and endurance in difficult situations. Thanks for sharing your story, it helped me too.

[Pooh]

You did great Begonia!  Yep, let it out so you can move past it.  And I like to think of it this way.  My GM passed away on a Saturday.  I can't go on with my life dreading every Saturday, cursing Saturday or letting it ruin all my Saturdays from here on out. 

Create all new Christmas memories and think of it as Christmas gave you the strength to make a great decision for yourself instead of looking at Christmas as the day it all fell apart?  Celebrate Christmas as "liberation day!"

[Begonia]

Pooh:  Thanks for your . It is so interesting how something can control your life for years and years and then if you bring it out into the light the control of it disappears.  I can say that this is the first Christmas that I didn't let that grinchy ghost grab hold of me for very long, by geepers. 

And I would have wished for every single WW to have been at the Christmas dinner I was at where four single women talked about every outrageous thing under the sun...we were nearly under the table in hysterical laughter.  And, this is the neat part...the hostess was friends with one woman, but the other two of us had never met.  We had such complete trust in one another that people said things they had never said to anyone before---and we found out our circumstances were so alike....and none of us could have imagined that these other poised and gracious women could have ever gone through these things.  It was the most healing therapy and it swept away all the other icky stuff from other Christmases. I thought to myself "This is how to live life full of love, compassion and gratefulness."  And not a single package was unwrapped.  And nobody talked of family, just who we are and what we dream of as women. And not one cell phone rang, even though we all have families.  It was the holiest of times and I am not even a religious person!

So, Pooh, you didn't know it, but it was a "liberation day."  Hugs to you!!

[Begonia]

Pooh....I meant to say, "Thanks for your kind comments."  The gremlins at work!!!

[lisafox41]

I was a little nervous about Christmas this year. It has been a hard year with my AD. I decided I just have to force myself not to think about her and some of my GK's not being with us as we celebrate. It was difficult at times.
But as the others have said, we must move forward. You can't undo the past. Create new Christmas memories and new traditions just as you did.
I went on a long walk with my fat dog Christmas day. It was wonderful!

[Pooh]

Well Lisa, maybe "fat" dog will lose some weight with the walks!