Slowly, it goes s.l.o.w.l.y

[Begonia]

Hello WW Community.  The situation with my DD has slowly gone to being loving again after a year of me holding back and being reserved, not nasty, not angry, just reserved.  Last week I had lunch with her (She treated!!!) and she let some more light on the subject of her erratic behavior a year ago.  Keep in mind I have asked nothing in a whole year, have sent very friendly but short replies to general texts...a photo of her garden flowers, etc.).  This has been some of the hardest work I have done, as indicated by my frantic posts a year ago.  Not to expect anything, to give her her space. To know that she did not hate me.  She let it be known that her DH has some severe health problems.  I said nothing, just listened.  I did not say, "Oh, are you doing OK, do you need me to HELP?"  Ugh, that was the me before.  So we are finding our way.  I realize she has a lot on her plate but I do not get into it at all.  It feels really good to have come this far.  And I do thank the continuing support of this site for helping me to realize that I was doing a lot of enabling and was playing the victim too.  Nobody told me this, but I could see it through my own posts and reading the posts of others.

Now I am on this same journey with DS.  And because DD has slowly started reaching out to me after I set the rule last year of "I need you to promise to never speak to me like that again." and she agreed), I know that in due time DS may reach out too.I do have good kids, but I have allowed myself to be diminished over the years.   And I will never allow either of my AC to talk or act disrespectfully to me again.  And for now, that means that I am being reserved toward my DS and DD.  Not mad, not vindictive, just reserved.  My life is good. 

It feels so nice not to have that drama and uncertainty.  And as I have said before, eliminating my FB account has helped me get rid of the angst about who is doing what with whom. 

Just my little update on SLOWLY....(gads it's so hard to be patient, it's like dieting...ugh!!)

[Pen]

Good to have you checking in, Begonia. I'm glad to hear things are improving, even if slowly. You've found a way to relate w/your AC...listening and not jumping in to offer help, not accepting disrespect, being reserved, etc. I appreciate how you equated the patience required to deal with your AC to dieting, lol. Doing both right now myself. Your post gives me much hope!

[Elise]

Begonia - I am happy to hear things are improving with your daughter. Thank you for your thoughtful post. It encourages me to continue to work on my listening only skills with my ds and dil.

[luise.volta]

B - Wonderful to hear from you again and to know that you are healing...no matter how slowly. (We all know how long it took to build Rome, right?) You sound so much more in balance, stable, mature...healthy. Sending love...

[herbalescapes]

Three thumbs up!  Congrats on the progress.  Your diet analogy was perfect - of course we want to lose 20lbs in a week, but it just don't work that way and if it did, it wouldn't be healthy.  The really great thing is you have changed things for yourself, so if DS or DD act up or whatever, you are still in your own driver's seat.  I hope you have continued success and progress.  It's nice to see a success story. 

[Doe]

Thanks for sharing your success, Begonia!

[Pooh]

That's awesome Begonia!  So happy for you!

[pam1]

That's great news, Begonia!

[Begonia]

Wow, thank all of you SO much for encouraging me.  And Pen, (and others) I am dieting right now too and feeling good about healthy choices.  I find that when I feel in control of my weight I feel so much more in control of my emotions too.  One woman at our weight loss meeting said, "I have committed to this being a life-long journey."  I feel that way about both my weight and my relationships...keeping a balance in one tends to make it easier to balance the other. 

So thanks again, Wise Women, and I love to read of your progress too!  But we know that there will be glitches, there always are.

I was reminded of this the other day when I was reading posts.  Luise had locked and closed down a post.  I really appreciate that there are so many moderators who keep this a safe place for us.  And I know that keeping a website like this running smoothly takes a lot of hours and hard work---and it reminded me that there are glitches here too, and Luise (and the other Mods) meet those head-on and then in the next minute they can offer support in another thread to those in need.  In this world of so much conflict, this site remains a place of peaceful interaction.  Many thanks to all who post. 

[firelight]

Begonia, your original post gave me encouragement and hope.  You've practiced not enabling I see.  I need to practice the same and quit offering so much "help". 

[luise.volta]

Can anyone please find me that recent quote again about the difference between support and enabling? I can't find it and I want to have it tattooed on my forehead! My "ex" is going down for the count and headed for a nursing facility and I so want to get in there on that one (and, if possible, take over!) He has two very capable sisters, a nephew who is an attorney and my Kirk, who's his beloved stepson, who all live close by and are doing an intervention...so I need to stay out of it! Simple but not easy. (Who said that?)

[constantmargaret]

Is this what you were referring to, Luise?

"Remember this, when you "help" someone you are doing something for them they cannot do for themselves.  When you "enable" someone you are doing something for someone they can.....and usually should.....do for themselves.  What your doing is right.   Hugs to you."

Author Momnomore.

It struck me too.

[luise.volta]

That's it! Thanks! Profound...

[firelight]

constantmargaret,

Thank you for that one!!! I'm going to print it and put it on my bathroom mirror so I can see it several times a day....maybe even in my car.

[luise.volta]

And thanks to the author...momnomore!