The stomach ache starts now~~~

[Begonia]

It seems like fixing a broken bridge...when I get one thing sort of repaired then another thing is broken.  Hope WW can help on this as always. 

As I have written, DD and DS are keeping in touch--barely--through FB mainly with little messages that are positive.  And I respond back with a little positive message if I feel so inclined, otherwise I just leave things.   still have not reached out to either of them in my old pattern of calling at least once a week.  They each live a distance away in opposite directions so do not see them often. 

About now I get this stomach ache about the holidays.  Part of me longs to have the "old days" back where I had all the usual preparations for days and days.  Then I quickly come to my senses.

I thought I was always  welcome at my DD (she always has said, "Mom, you can stay here anytime." ) But in August I wanted to go over to see the GC before school started and that is when DD blew up at me out of the blue and said that wouldn't work because of something I said to her husband in May just as conversation when we were out for a fancy dinner in a fancy place that I thought they would enjoy after driving the long way to see me--which I had orchestrated by asking my SIL for help building a small deck, which I paid him nicely for. I recall saying something about life is hard work and those of us who are strong can handle more, etc (they are both strong people, like me) It was nothing out of the ordinary and there had been no hint of argument as they ate their $30 steaks. I am sarcastic about it now when I think how I used to "buy" their attention and see how pathetic it was. 

I question whether they have ever liked me at all when I think back on things.

So now the holidays.  I don't know how to handle things this year.  My thinking is that I will just send a nice wreath to DS and DD houses for all to enjoy.  I hate not giving something, but much of what I have done is not appreciated. I have done everything from gift cards to weekends at a resort--you name it.  Last year I thought I had a good idea.  I told DS and DD to look through the Lands End catalog and pick out a winter coat.  4 AC and 4 GC.  They had to send the order to me and then I had it shipped to them.  My DD and OGC loved their coats, and DS did point out that GC had their coats on in a pic he showed me in June.  But that was the extent of any thank yous.   And, mostly I get some little thing from them a week after Christmas or sometimes nothing at all.  How did I raise such cold-hearted AC?  They lavish hundreds of dollars on their kids.  Sigh. 

I think the whole thing is about my family totally forgetting about me.  That is why I so dislike this time of year.  I don't want to be cruel and I am a very generous person (probably why I raised such selfish AC).  I know this is rambling because many of you face the same situations, but can you offer some guidance?...I am feeling wobbly about this..parental duty stuff and all.....Aaaarghhhh! 

[Doe]

Step back for a minute.  They did say they loved the coats, right?  That was a thank you.  I'm not sure what else you were looking for.

I would stop giving them so much and spend more on yourself.  If you are going to give, do it for yourself and don't focus on how much gratitude you get. 

If you want some dramatic gratitude, try giving to some poor children whose parents can't afford presents or some homeless people who are spending the holidays in a shelter food line.  Those people would truly appreciate your generosity.

[Ruth]

I sent many, many gifts to my ds- never received a thank you, my friend.  I shipped expensive packages overseas and could not find out if he ever received them, he would not answer the question when I emailed him.  Sometimes I found out through the grapevine that he got something, and maybe even liked it, but never a 'thanks Mom for the whatever'.  I don't ask for a lot out of life.  Just a very simple thanks, or even just hey I liked that Mom, would have made my day with bells on.  Nothing.  I'm not minimizing your distress Doe.  But if they even remotely thanked you or expressed pleasure, I think I had scored and would just go about cheerfully selecting modest gifts.  I'm in a big quandry whether or not I'm going to do a single thing this year for ds b/d or Christmas.  I think not. 

[Doe]

My parents developed the habit of gifting us sporadically - but not on holidays.   My dad cancelled Christmas at his house when we were all adults because he didn't like some of the spouses my siblings chose.

It was stunning at the time, but I think unlinking gifts and holidays was brilliant.  They also went to cash only gifts, figuring that we would know best where the money should go.

Sort of clinical, maybe, but I don't worry much about gifts and  holidays anymore.  I realized for myself that I shouldn't buy baby clothes for GB since the mom has her own sense of style.   I've never see the GB in anything that I've sent so I'm going the cash route when I feel like giving something.

[pam1]

Doe, your father sounds brilliant lol.

I know I sound like a broken record here but the holidays and gifts have just become an absolute chore and burden to me.  I think sporadic gifts is the most natural.

[Begonia]

Many good points, everyone.  Thank you.  Doe, did your dad announce that there would be no more Christmas?   And what about the GC? 

[Pen]

Yeah, I'm over the whole gift thing too. However, there are members of my immediate family who are not. It's difficult to come up with a solution that doesn't aggravate someone.

[Doe]

Yeah, I was home from college and Mama told us we weren't going to celebrate - if we wanted to do something we (my siblings) could go to one of their homes.  It was a little weird at first but then we all made other various plans the next years.

He gave $100/gc/birthday and per Christmas but made the checks out to me.  I invested half and and gave half for them to blow but only after the thank you note was sent.  I think at 18yo , he stopped those gc gifts.

[luise.volta]

Once we get that we are in charge of our own happiness, everything changes. Sending love...

[Begonia]

Luise:  Then I am going out to find me a very young lover and I probably won't even realize it's Christmas or New Years....I feel better already, I better get busy looking around

[luise.volta]

Mine is very old (85) and not a lover since Val is still alive. But I can tell you his calls every night (he lives 2,500 mines away) light up my life. And you're right. He came to spend Christmas with me last year and I never missed my kids. What kids? lol He was here again in April and July and will arrive again in 16 days, but who's counting, right?

[Begonia]

OK Luise...your post reminded me to be open to whatever age.  It sounds delightful to have a companion...and I really give you lots of credit for living life to the fullest. I'm all done revolving around my DS DD and GK.  Yup!  One more step!

I do think that I have gotten in a rut and have put myself in such a pristine position because of my GC..being a role model and all.  But HECK, they are never here to see what I do--I could be swinging from the drapes for all they know~~~  Time to kick up my senior heels and say Yee Haw!  Thanks for the encouragement.   Bless you over and over.   

[luise.volta]

Welcome to the I Don't Give A Rip Sisterhood! Yes!

[SunShine]

My DD never writes thank yous. I think I've talked about that issue. She doesn't write them to her grandparents and I sent her a gift recently for an occasion and she didn't thank me at all. I'd stop sending personal gifts and send a nice wreath or food for everyone. Do a gift for all of them. Food is always good. It takes care of your AC and your grandchildren. One gift for all. A wreath is great. I doubt the comment you made to your SIL bothered him at all. It probably only bothered your DD. We can't watch everything we say and yet they expect us to. They never watch anything they say and yet we take it. I think parents should start calling their AC out on their mean behavior. I began and others began to realize that AC bully us, control us and throw fits at us. They use us as punching bags. I have no clue if my DD is coming for the holidays, but I feel like leaving. I think DH and I will take DS who still lives at home, get in the car and drive to Florida to see his father! I'd like that. Perhaps you should send a one gift fits all present and do spend the money on yourself. Perhaps a nice little holiday trip that you would enjoy. We can't control their bad behavior and I really doubt much of it has to do with you. Somehow they don't grow up these days and blame the parents for everything. I think the entitlement generation needs a wake up call. Entitle yourself to a nice little holiday trip, even if you drive to a nice inn to stay for a few days. Don't be home for the holidays and send them a token gift all of them can share. It's not like years ago where everyone went to grandma's house for the holidays. I'm in my fifties and I guess I'm part of a different generation. I won't be here for Christmas. That's my answer to my DD and her indecision on whether she will be spending it with us or not. Take care of you first. I know it's hard, but I feel like I'm eating crumbs and I won't be anymore. Dont take crumbs, go treat yourself well with the money you'll save.

[Begonia]

Luise:  Thanks again!  You give me a reason to smile.

Sunshine:  Your post was just the right thing...I had a low point today when things started to weigh me down and it was great to read what you wrote about AC bullying.  And about not being here.  I especially resonated with driving to a nice little inn. 

And what is it with the indecision our AC have?  Geepers, I have waited my last holiday for them to invite or decide or for me to rush around at the last minute because they "might" be available.

Let's make a pact to not eat any more crumbs!  You're the best...I send you love and peace.