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How should I proceed with invitation?

Started by Begonia, November 13, 2011, 07:18:02 AM

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Begonia

Hello WW:  My DD has been slowly making attempts to smooth the waters since her blow-up at me last summer.  My DS is also reaching out with a request to get together. 

This morning my DD sent me a FB chat and we had a nice and pleasant conversation and she issued an invite for the Sat after Thanksgiving..."we'd love to have you here."  Last summer in a conversation I suggested driving over (5 hours) like I always have, and she told me my visiting wouldn't work and all this other bad stuff that floored me.  You all know the conversation.  I really wondered if she was drunk.

That is when I stopped any communication, and found this site. Weeks later she called me for something and I drew the boundary, telling her we could talk but she had to agree to never talk to me that way again.  She agreed.  I have instigated no contact. 

I found out today that DD life has been very dramatic with taking in her troubled DH 19 yr old son last summer, and now her DD best friend is living there too because she was getting in lots of trouble at home.  My DD and her hubby are really good parents (different from me of course, but they can connect with kids very well).  The 19 yr old has stopped drinking, etc. and has a full time job.  He was homeless.  My DG (14) has ADHD and if you know about that it can consume your entire life.  DD and hubby (not GD dad) have really been admirable in dealing with GD behavior. OGD is doing wonderful in her last year of college.  I would love to see them all. My sister and her family will be at a hotel in the same town. We all get along fine.

I told DD "it might work," but depending on weather, etc.  It's a long drive alone and I wonder about how my stomach will be and how uncomfortable it will be...after all, DD has this entire support system for her and I am by myself.  I am still wounded from her outburst at me last summer.  And I really don't want to drive all that way, be in knots, and then exhausted to go back to work Mon after dancing on hot coals in case I say the "wrong" thing, whatever in the world that might be.   

Need help on this, please. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Pen

Is there a dear friend who can accompany you? I agree that you may feel the need for some support of your own, if not a travel companion.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

I like Pen's suggestion.  And it can be framed as needing a travel companion. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

lancaster lady

As your sister will be there , I would say go .
If you don't , you will wish you had . they are reaching out to you , if you refuse
it may be a while before they repeat the invitation .
I think it's worth the effort , don't you ?

Begonia

LL: I had this typed and saw your response.  I agree with your idea and normally in all the past years, this is what I have done.  One thing is that my sister and her hubby will be spending all their time with their two AC who are meeting them there.  I will be like a ball on a string...where to go, what to do, who to be with.  I am really torn but I know to follow my gut and I realized this afternoon it says stay home. 

Pam & Pen:

That would work except there isn't anyone who is free Thanksgiving weekend..if that were the case I would probably be spending the weekend with them and this conversation would be unnecessary. I could have politely said, "Bill/Joe/Margaret/Fido and I are spending a quiet time together so maybe another time."   The price to pay for being single=no DH excuses.

My gut sense is that I am going to stay home--I just don't need a bunch of drama right now.  I thought of asking them to meet me half way for lunch on Sat so I could drive over and home the same day.  But of course they only want to see me if I do all the effort and I know they would decline that offer (kids have this, hubby has this, etc.)  I feel too fragile right now to pretend that everything is fine.  I feel as if I would be stepping into a mine field and they all have tanks and I don't even have a helmet. It feels like a trap to me, but then I just might be so raw from the situation last summer that I can't put it into the right framework.  I think my trust has been shattered and it is going to take a long while before I can get on solid footing with DD.  And there is no talking to her alone because she has her troops all rallied around her. 

As much as I want to see GC and my sister and family it is just not the right time to flail around in that family jumble.  Maybe I am just too scared and fear that DD will go off on one of her snits, leaving me to drive all that way home crying my eyes out.  And me, not wanting to let GDs see any conflict, will just suck it up and not make a deal. This has happened before.  I have no evidence to suggest that DD has really changed, just that this is the honeymoon phase.

Sorry for all this blabbing about it..woe is me.  I just need to say no and forget the darn guilt.  I really can't damage things any more than they have been damaged by staying home.  And I can put a stop to my stomach ache right now--well, mostly anyway.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

pam1

Well, following your gut is the way to go.  How about asking them out to eat another weekend coming up soon?  Instead of just saying no, offer a rain date.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Begonia

Pam:  Brilliant!  Sometimes I have my nose pressed so close to the glass that I cannot see that the door is open.... :-\

I will do just that...suggest another time they can meet me between Tksgvng and NY.....That is such a better way than just saying no...that part had me in angst.  And my whole family is all about Black Friday and shopping and Christmas presents (for them, not me).  That whole thing forces me into the present thing and I vowed not to do that this year.  Thank you. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Kate123

Begonia, how are you going to feel if she gets mad/hurt for your delining the invitation and does not want a rain check? Are you prepared for that?

I totally understand how you feel, it would be a difficult day for sure, But as someone here said to me about Thanksgiving- I could choose to be alone, or go and possibly be welcomed. I was invited to my boyfriends, but hesitate because of past visits not being comfortable. It is now probably a non-issue because we broke-up last night. Holidays are going to be great this year (sarcasim).

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Begonia

Kate:  So sorry for your break-up, hope things will look brighter.  And thank you for your insight....It won't surprise me if she doesn't want a rain check, anything sets her off, regardless. My DD and D Sister are quite passive-aggressive.  One time my sister's DS was graduating from HS in a town 8 hours away.  I had a huge workload and a deadline so offered to come the next weekend instead.  My sister did not speak to me for 2 years. I made dang sure I went to her DD graduation the next year even if I didn't even see my sister because she was so busy entertaining.

Yes, I have always been motivated by the "right" thing to do, the motherly thing.  Always there, driving in snowstorms, horrible holiday traffic, driving at midnight while I leave everyone else eating pumpkin pie and watching TV, always depended on for the nice gifts, handmade wreaths, photos, gifts for GC, taking everyone out for dinner. Would anyone even check to see if I got home?  Nah.  So I am burned out of being nice and pretending I fit in.  It reminds me of Rhett Butler, "Frankly, my dear, I just don't give a dang."  (about pleasing people any more!!). 

Like I said, I just don't have the energy to do it this year and these past few months without my DD or DS drama have been some happy months for me.  I live a really peaceful life here with my work, my garden, my friends, my two cats and nobody is hurling insults at me.  Who was it that said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?   There is a part of me, the traditional part, who has this dream of my family together but it is mainly just a dream.  I just don't know how I want things to go right now.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

lisafox41

Hi Begonia,
I know exactly what you mean about not being strong enough to continually deal with the drama. In the months I have pulled back from my DD ( and the drama), I am also so much happier. I realized the amount of energy I was expending on an ongoing basis to try and fix the "situation". Well, I am done with that!
Take care of yourself and trust your gut instinct. It is rarely wrong.

Begonia

Just a little update.  I told DD and dear sister I would not be able to make it. (truly my little kitty is on medicine and I have to be here for that), and DD did not react in a bad way...in fact this morning on FB she said we were enjoying having coffee together as we listened to some music!  Apparently she is trying her best, as I am, not to do any further damage.  I know she misses me as I do her and we have been very close because of me being a single parent, etc. etc.  Then over the last years the nasty treatment. 

I have heard nothing from my sister, but I worry less about that.

I just want to say that it has been a few months now since I drew the boundary and things have been smooth.  A lot of restraint on my part not to call or reach out.  I have left that to DD (except for her birthday, a tradition to sing to her first thing in the morning, which went well~~~not the singing but the call...LOL. 

DS recently send an invite to meet on his way back home from doing moving duties for his MIL (a common occurrence to help her as I have posted elsewhere) and he suggested I drive 40 miles RT to meet him.  I suggested he drive those miles (really not out of his way as much as for me) and he agreed. 

The things I have changed that have made a difference are that I offer no opinions on any family stuff, just umm, oh, I see, great, that's nice, good for you, etc.  I have completely taken myself out of the mother and grandmother role.  I realize now that I was mothering my kids as if they were still teenagers....probably so ingrained in me from being so protective when we were together and I was their only advocate.  Like an overprotective grandma I was offering "suggestions" which I can see now were taken, over time, as my having no confidence in my AC decisions.  And I see now that as a single woman I wanted to feel needed and included because boo hoo here I am by myself.   By letting go I probably will get my relationship with DD and DS back, even if it is just to love each other from a distance.

And I now have the freedom to pursue things without first expecting that I check to see if they "want" me.  In essence, they have given me a gift to be my own person first and then a DM and DG.   So it goes on a good day.   Circle of love to all the WW I have learned from.   
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

pam1

Quote from: Begonia on November 20, 2011, 11:07:19 AM

And I now have the freedom to pursue things without first expecting that I check to see if they "want" me.  In essence, they have given me a gift to be my own person first and then a DM and DG.   So it goes on a good day.   Circle of love to all the WW I have learned from.

Right back at ya!  Good for you, I'm glad this is working out for you :) 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Keys Girl

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Begonia

And then~~~today in my email a friendly INVITE from my DS and DIL for ALL of our family to get together after Christmas.  It seems the more I let go the more blessings happen to me.  Of course I said, "That's a great idea!"  And left it at that.  Normally I would be the planner, this and that and bring and cook and and.  Let's see how the reins get handed over to DS and DD.  I am happy as a lark...get to see the GK!!  But I also know a big blizzard could wipe out the best of plans so am holding myself back from jumping jacks.  I thought something was happening as yesterday my DS posted on FB a pic of handmade Christmas decorations I made for him with the dates:1977 and 1979.  It melted my heart to know he has kept these things.  I guess it's never too late to open hearts and heal.  Peace and love to all WW hearts.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)