Feel sad, DS up to old tricks

[Begonia]

Well, after all my posts about how DS was reaching out to make plans for our family (DD, DS, my D sister and our families) today he sends a note saying he "forgot" he had another commitment of tickets to somewhere as a surprise for his family so there will be no plans as planned.  I feel so kicked in the gut.  But the redeeming thing is that I never got one bit excited so anyone would know and I never planned one thing.  Still, I am sad, angry, upset that I "fell" for his stories again.  This has always been how he does things.  I will admit I had some hope he had changed.  And he sent the note to DD, me and my sis and never even said he was sorry for cancelling. 

[Doe]

Give us his address and we'll all meet there to give him what for!

arrgh!

[luise.volta]

Good for you for not buying into it and jumping through hoops. That is so cruel! Sending Love...

[Pen]

Begonia, I understand how you feel. (((hugs)))

We make progress, but that doesn't mean we're suddenly immune to getting our feelings hurt by loved ones who treat us inconsiderately. But everytime it happens we weather it a little easier & set our expectations lower. I don't count on DS anymore for anything, sadly.

[Begonia]

Doe, Luise, Pen:  Thank you so much...just knowing that you care and offer such caring words helped me through the crisis with dignity...I didn't lash out, didn't let anyone but the WWU angels know my distress. 

After reading here for awhile, and crying, and hugging Iris, my big understanding cat, I thought to myself....well that was dirty pool on DS part, but he hurt all of us and so why throw the nice babies out with the bath water? 

The best revenge is to live a loving and good life.  So I emailed my sister and DD asking if they were still open to meeting and sis says YES!! and so we will meet and it will be in DD town (unlike before, which was a long ways away for everyone except DS) so I know DD and family will be there at some time.  We will have our party and I will see oldest GD. 

My DS and his IL will NOT rain on my parade again.  And I do know my sis and her hubby will drive over hot coals to be there and if for some reason DD cannot make it I will keep my head up and enjoy myself regardless.  I know oldest GD will be there because she has her own car!! 

Thanks, WW and those of you who light the way for our rocky paths!!   My heart feels lots better today.  Hugs all around. 

[Shelby]

Begonia - sounds like a fabulous, CONSTRUCTIVE way to react.  Good for you.  And afterwards he may hear from other family members what a great time you all had.  Maybe he will realize he is not the center of the universe.  Do it this year, and next, and next, and next.  Let him be on the outside looking in.  You have a great time with DD, GD,, your sister, etc., in a location that is convenient for all of YOU, not him.  Let him join you next year, of course - at a location convenient to DD and all the rest of you.  Good for you. 

[jdtm]

today he sends a note saying he "forgot" he had another commitment of tickets to somewhere as a surprise for his family so there will be no plans as planned.

Begonia - I don't know the background concerning your son, but the same thing used to happen in our family again and again.  It was not our son; it was the DIL who did not/would not interact with us.  It would have been so much easier if our son had said "my wife hates you and so, unfortunately, we won't be seeing you for some time".  I kept trying to plan and plan and plan around them; it did not work.  A dear friend of mine said to make "our plans" around our younger son and his "considerate" wife and then inform older son of our plans.  We've been doing this for about five years now.

Update - our son divorced his wife over two years ago.  She "got" all of the holidays for ever and ever.  So, our son now comes to events; our grandchildren do not.  However, this Christmas our son actually suggested a date that our grandchildren could attend.  It's not Christmas (it's a school night) but it's very doable.  Of course, our younger son and his family agreed to this day.  We'll see - I still would not be surprised if our ex-DIL "swoops in" and takes the children on that date but at least our son has begun to "notice" his children are "missing" contact with their paternal relatives.   I also feel that our son "thinks" we favour the younger son's children (we don't - just have more access to them and their activities).  This is the first time in over a decade that I may see all of my family in the Christmas season (not on any of "the" days - but, at least, the season).  I am pleased but not excited as I have been disappointed so many, many times before.  Whatever will be, will be ....

[Begonia]

Thanks so much Shelby...I always enjoy your insights!

Jdtm:  Your story is so much like mine. SO NICE your DS is bringing the GK around.  Yea!!!   

I know the DIL (omg, I typed "the DIL") has her say in things and that was my first reaction, but now I realize that the two of them play things to their own advantages.  And I have to admit that DS was manipulative towards me and the family way before DIL arrived on the scene.  And I love DIL for being a good mom to my GK, but she has always been very cold to all my family and my DM, who could tolerate anything in the name of family, did not like DIL at all though I never discussed my dislike with her or she with me. So DS and DIL deserve each other.  And not having them with us will eliminate all the awkwardness. 

My sis and BIL are great people and are good to me, and caring. I never discuss any problems I have with my DS and DD with them because they have "perfect" AC (out of college, on their own), but who still bring their laundry home!!!  To my knowledge those kids have never in all of their lives ever done anything wrong, even though they never give my beautiful sis anything for her BD or Christmas. 

I learn something good every time I read posts here.  Thanks again for being "here" for me and others.

[luise.volta]

Of course they have done things that are wrong! They still bring their laundry home and they they don't give their mom BD and Christmas gifts...only dirty laundry. Perfection doesn't exist. If my son brought me his laundry...I would ask him for $5 and then give it back to him in quarters and send him on his way. Why would I be his laundress? To feel of value? No way... Sending love...

[Begonia]

Luise......I agree about the laundry. Good grief anyway, but I zip my lip.... But my sister is a bit of a saint and never complains.  I make sure I spoil her a little bit and she loves me for it.  We lost our dad when sis was 16 so I know she has let that influence how she spoils her kids.

[luise.volta]

We all get pretty good at zipping our lips! 

[Pen]

Begonia, have a wonderful time! Good on you for making new plans. Way to bounce back & not allow DS to affect your whole holiday.

[colleen01]

Begonia, I feel for you with your sisters AC around her even if they don't buy her gifts. I'm starting to think the moms who spoil, not keeping boundaries to teach right/wrong,value,resposiblity, get there family around them for good. I'm not saying your sister did that since they are in college and independent. I am having regets today. I was strict and thinking I was protecting and teaching the right things. Looking back if I had been much more lenient I think my 2 ODD would be around today. Maybe. ODD was so strong willed, wouldn't listen at all,ever!. So middle DD would run to her when grounded. (THey're 12 years apart) Middle DD doesn't hear from ODD until middle is mad at me then ODD swoops in and they team against me. Now both DD are witholding GK from me. I'm very sad, and wish I had not been so strict. My ODD 12 yr.old DD,my granddaughter can do almost anything and she hasn't run off to me. She has tons of freedom? So far,God has protected her.

[Begonia]

Colleen:  Sending a big hug out to you.  I think there are WW here who were lenient and their AC treat them badly too.  My sis and her DH have catered to their AC every whim.  They pay for their car insurance yet, although the OAC is near 30, they pay for airline tickets, hotel rooms, etc. for all of the AC, all of the time, so they will spend time with them. All the AC text their mom probably three times a day. When I'm with her her phone is just beep beep beep all the time. Needless to say, none are married and none are independent thinkers, although they are really nice people and have never gotten in trouble.  They are a bit like robots around their parents.

Like you, I raised my kids to be independent and know how to take care of themselves...this probably translated to me needing to be independent.  I could not stand anybody constantly texting me or calling me or hovering around--much less bringing their laundry here or expecting me to cook (I used to allow this stuff). 

I have a quote on my refrig that says, "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."  When I get too serious with myself this makes me smile.  Carry on with pride, Colleen....at least your AC seem to have opinions!! 

[colleen01]

thanks Begonia...that was good! Yes, for sure they have their own opinions! Heck, they have their own talk shows!  (just kidding!)