Wills...what do you do?

[Lillycache]

I will spend whatever I need to spend... or want to spend.  It is afterall MY money and I earned every penny of it.   However, when I die, if there is any left, I will give it equally to  my two sons... even if horrid DIL benefits.  If they do good with it or waste it, it's up to them.  I certainly won't be here to care.

[constantmargaret]

Agree Lilly.

If I die first, my husband gets everything. If he goes first I'll drown my sorrows in Kahlua drinks until I spend the last farthing and then I'll throw myself off a mountain top like Chief Chocorua.

[momnomore]

So many different ideas and thoughts. Thank you all for the input.  Our DD has nothing to do with us now..it's been over a year.  She's taken our GC away and she is now close to her brother, which is something we've wanted forever.  She thinks it's fine he drinks which is a total turnaround.  She's so different now I don't know her.  She changed her values.  I never in a million years thought she would ever do any of this to us, but here we are.  My DH said she's been hateful to us for several years and I just refused to see it.  I'm trying not to be bitter and full of hate.  Part of me would love to get this trust done and not leave the DS or DD anything,  and scream "take that" on my way out!!!!      I'm lashing out....and guess what, it still hurts.  We've always had to live without much and now we will soon retire and sell property and have something.  We've worked extremely hard for what we have.  My plan was to leave it all to them and live frugally the rest of our life.  We've always given everything we could to our kids.  Now I'm having to rethink all of this. 

[firelight]

change your plan momnomore.....maybe a trip to Aruba to start??     (I'm a terrible influence). 

[not like the movies]

anything left goes to my son. he has been the most loving. understanding and respectful. he also knows if my daughter is doing better he can give her some of whats left if any to her. he is of good mind to know what to do and when. i watched my folks go through every dime due to health issues and the cost of assisted living. both passed away at the beginning of this year. they died with nothing left. it was actually easier. nothing to do about nothing.

[Elise]

My mother used to quote her grandmother as having said " blessed be nothing". Some truth there I suspect.

[Keys Girl]

It just struck me that since my son is not in touch with me, it's entirely possible that I could die and he wouldn't know about it for months or even years.

If we are still estranged over the next couple of years, I'll leave instructions that he not be notified until my ashes are scattered, I would imagine that he and the cupcake could make a lot of trouble for my close friend who is going to manage my affairs if something happens to me and she won't need that.

I expect that any money that was left to him would be spent in a fashion that I would determine to be wasteful.  I'm going to start spending a bit more on myself and not worry about leaving anything to him.  I'll leave the photo albums and other mementos from his younger days and he can do whatever he wants with them.

I believe a lot of the hostility comes from the early days when I divorced him and my ex told my son that I had ruined his life because I broke up the family.  He wasn't even 5 years old so I imagine those wretched remarks have sunk into his brain like a sponge as well as all the other malicious remarks in the last 25 years.  When you boil it down it's still a matter of one parent stopping at nothing to punish the spouse who left an awful set of circumstances to try to make a better life for her and her child.

I think that my ex is likely very satisfied that the wonderful relationship that I can with my son is no more.  His jealously over the years must have been hard to deal with, however, while it's difficult to see so many years of work and effort and affection apparently lead to nothing, "Living well is the best revenge" and I intend to keep that sentiment on the front burner and go out and buy myself a nice piece of jewelry to remind me of WWU.  No sense in leaving it to be squandered by the "kids" along with my ex if he is still around when I'm not.

KG

[luise.volta]

When I think about this, which isn't often because I have nothing to leave anyone, it seems to me that we need to do what is being done here and that is to approach it consciously. A lot of estates have gone to those who are undeserving because changes weren't made...or no directions were left. Whatever we do, we can undo it later, if we see fit. In the meantime, I think the experience of overt, calculated abuse needs to be addressed by some of us in relationship to reward. Others don't see it that way and that's OK, too. What doesn't work is not addressing it at all either because it's too painful or because we forget that we need to. Sending love...

[Pen]

Hey, we should discuss this further at www.agingwithwisdom.com! I hear it's a great new site

[luise.volta]

Beautiful! You wanna' start it? I'll jump on it and hope the everyone here does the same :My new site needs loks of help geting started! D!

[Footloose]

Every penny I have I earned thru hard work and financial responsibility.  I bought a home to raise my son in and have not left it yet.  It has been up for sale the past 6 mos and now we will rent it in August.  I am happily remarried and we have 2 homes now. It's funny that we must remind ourselves that we are not poor and can buy new things even if they are not a great value.  We have lived this discipline for our entire lives. 

Originally we decided that if I should go 1st, my hubby is instructed to keep it all and spend most of it.  If anything is left, we will give to a Georgia organization that provides summer camp to kids w/ physical and emotional disabilities.   We might open up another building and name it after ourselves?  Never know but that legacy would make us proud.

As our years together continue, we can make changes if we want to and even leave inheritance to young friends who need a boost.

Leaving it to my son simply out of tradition is out.  If he chooses to live his life w/o me, then so be it.  If the grandchildren forge a relationship w/ me after they leave the control of their mommy, then they may be included.  I will not give any support to people who do not take any time to get to know me.  If you want me in your life, excellent!  If not, your loss as I will continue to find lovely strangers and true friends to share with:)  As I do today!

[Doe]

re: aging with wisdom - I would post there but can't get past the security questions that pop up.  Is it possible to set it up like it is here?

[momnomore]

luise.vota, I agree with you wholeheartedly.  We all need to approach this consciously.  I think we can do more harm than good giving it all to our loved one who is not deserving and  has caused us so much pain......and even worse than that not cared!    Calculated abuse does need to be addressed and hopefully a valuable lesson will be learned if we're wise enough to give for the right reasons.   For our own child to grow up and consciously take our GC away from their loving grandparents is VERY calculated,  and why would we reward that kind of behavior.  That person has shown no wisdom or compassion, and how much worse they could be if given money.   They've not only hurt us as parents and grandparents , but they use their kids as pawns and also hurt them in the process.  The one thing I see out of this is we all must make an effort to not get bitter because it only hurts us.  We need to use our strength to live life to the fullest and focus on being positive so we can survive this.   

[Smilesback@u]

Yes, I agree with not rewarding bad behaviors.  I also agree it is important how to let go, without anger and bitterness, just deep understanding of what is not working in our relationship.  I had an epiphany today regarding my DSs, and posted here.  My response to guilt trips, bad behaviors etc is not to give them money.  So my work now is to let it all go, use my money for the good, and be happy about it.  Sending smiles 

[luise.volta]

I had a dear friend who went through what we are addressing here with her AC and GC. She had (to me) a sizable estate. She left it in turst to a low-income, day care center to fund a program where grandmothers volunteered. The teachers needed it, the children love it and the grandmothers got to be who they are!