Wills...what do you do?

[momnomore]

 My DH and I are getting older and have to start on a trust.   What do you do about leaving these AC anything?  Do you completely ignore them and leave their inheritance to nieces and nephews etc?  Do you reward their bad behavior and leave them everything anyway?  I feel so angry and hurt my first response is to leave them nothing....is this wrong?  We have suffered with an DS for over 20 years.......if we leave him anything he'll buy booze with it and lose the rest foolishly.  We've worked so hard for what we have.  What is right?

[Scoop]

Momnomore - there are definitely alternatives to giving it to your kids.

1 - spend it.  All of it.  Enjoy yourselves TO THE MAX.  Quit working and do what you love for the rest of your life.

2 - leave it to an organization you care about.  Church, SPCA, whatever.

3 - leave it to your GK's, skip that whole middle step.

4 - all of the above, split it up between your kids, GK's, nieces, nephews, church, SPCA, ect.  Spread the love around, such that everybody gets a smaller piece of the pie.

[Elise]

Another thought might be to set up trust for DS which will preserve capital and pay out only a certain amount annually/monthly to him if you have concerns about his having a place to live/food etc.  May not be appropriate depending on his circumstances though.  Please do find an experienced attorney and be forthright with that person about the situation(s) - some have a lot of experience and may have alternate suggestions.

I also agree you should spend it on yourselves and enjoy it and maybe give to those who have been kind and helpful to you as time goes on as well as favorite charities.  Those documents can be altered as circumstances change.

[luise.volta]

I think we were so used to thinking that our assets were our children's assets when they were growing up, that we forget that we earned that money and it's actually ours. I don't have any to leave but if I did, I would look at who means the most to me and has been the most loving. It might be the organization that stepped in and rescued my precious dog. They're really high on my list. Sending love...

[Smilesback@u]

I agree it is my money until I die.  Then, I have a different point of view.  I think before I would not leave anything to DSs, I would detach myself totally while I am alive without anger, and really focus on myself, my own happiness and would be spending money to enjoy my own life.  I would let things settle down and then let *it* all go in order to live in peace.  I prefer not to use money to give any final blows once I am long gone.  My Dad has a problem with me, always has, for example.  If you ever saw that play/movie *On Golden Pond* , our relationship is something along those lines.  I doubt he will leave me an inheritance as I always bucked his system, I thought for myself, I rebelled against being dominated by him and the church, and it was the 60s, so among other personal things, I was anti-war, a feminist, wore no bra, dated out of my race, and had to get married because of getting pregnant.  My behaviors were not acceptable, though fairly typical of some teenagers back then.  My behaviors hurt me more than they hurt my parents in reality.  In my point of view, I grew up the best way I could and and once I became an adult I had no one to blame but myself for my life.  My Dad holds the past against me, as the judgment on who I am.  I choose not to do that kinda *work* on my DSs.  I won't hurt them for being butt-heads by not leaving them an inheritance.  People do change and I am proof as I changed for the better.  It is tough to separate out our negative feelings sometimes and that's the work I am doing now to establish positive grounds to enjoy my old age and be able to see my DSs and GC without tripping out each time.  Not doing that great so far after visits with them, but I am learning to recover with WWU help.  heck,  I am doing the best I can too   Good luck!  Live long and heartily

[momnomore]

Our DS is an alcoholic.....so anyone in their right mind would not leave him a lot....BUT he also has serious health problems.  Artificial heart valve, and nerve damage from a horse accident which causes him pain daily.  He's caused us so much hurt the last 20 yrs and we keep hoping and praying he'll "come around" and it just hasn't happened.  He's wasted more money on liquor.............so why would we contribute to that.......but he's not healthy???

[luise.volta]

You make a lot of sense to me. It wouldn't be punitive to leave it to him, it would be dangerous. I think a trust with a limited, monthly payout would make sense with special authority for medical expenses beyond the allowance, after incurred. (I have no legal background but it seems to me that it would be a good question for an estate attorney.)

[Pooh]

Spend it!!!!

[pam1]

Spend it!!!!

I agree!

IMHO, when adults have trouble functioning (in whatever manner,) the last thing you want to do is give them the tools to continue not functioning.  And mainly, that's money.

[Keys Girl]

It's a tough question, I hope to leave the planet with $20 in my wallet.  I agree, spend it while you can, you can't take it with you.

I think if your AC is an alcoholic it's a mistake to leave him anything, it will be spent buying rounds at the local pub in a week, but you could leave it in trust to an organization or individual who would see that the funds are spent on more sensible things, like groceries.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my son, I suspect anything that I leave him would be squandered by him and his bride in a type of revenge spending.  I would rather leave it to a good friend or an organization that has helped me or someone in my family.

KG

[Karenna]

I would caution you against (1) giving more money to your daughter than your son and (2) creatinga a trust for your son and making your daughter the trustee.

This can only poison your children's relationships with each other.  Your son may resent his sister, thinking that you always loved her more.  He may challenge the will, keeping your other heirs from using the money until the court case is settled.  He may pressure her to "do the right thing" and give him a share of her portion.  If she's the trustee, he may be embarrassed by the power she has over him, or he may come to see her as his personal ATM.

If I were setting up the trust, I'd hire a lawyer or bank representative to be the trustee.  They will charge a surprisingly large fee for rubber-stamping requests for money, but you'd be doing both your kids a favor by using someone else.

[Pen]

Karenna, excellent points.

[firelight]

Of course, I'd say spend it or give a percentage to charity and some to your kids/grands/nieces/nephews if that is who you want to give to.  I don't think your DD should be punished for your DS's poor choices so whilst you may or may not choose her to be your executor, I feel she should get something should there be something to give and that is where your heart is.  Karenna has great points but what is the relationship between your DD and DS?  If it isn't good I wouldn't even worry about it and if you trust the DD, then by all means, use her if she would be in agreement.  Otherwise, Karenna makes a really good suggestion. 

But, I will not be left anything as there is nothing for my parents to leave me and my sis.  We already know this and so there is nothing to worry about there!  On my life insurance plan, I have it where my DH would recieve 75% and DD 25%.  I am starting to rethink this in light of all the poor choices and things my DD is doing now.  I did not leave any provision for my step son as he has a mother and his dad for that.  My DH is signed up to leave his DS 25% and me 75%.  I guess it's just personal preference.   

[firelight]

I really love luise's idea of the animal rescue organization.   

[Keys Girl]

If I were setting up the trust, I'd hire a lawyer or bank representative to be the trustee.  They will charge a surprisingly large fee for rubber-stamping requests for money, but you'd be doing both your kids a favor by using someone else.

Wise advice, I wouldn't leave funds in the hands of anyone other than a lawyer, as they won't have their arms twisted by siblings or anyone else.  I second Luise's suggestion of animal rescue organizations.

KG