Wills...what do you do?

[pam1]

Interesting take, Keys Girl.  I can't imagine anyone I know (one set to inherit) doing it though, regardless of financial gain. 

I think everyone should do what they want, but this sort of idea leaves the impression of a gift with strings...I really don't know many people that would participate to get the inheritance.  In fact, I would wonder about those who do!

[Grammie]

Smiles, Hubby does all of the trip research and does use cc often.  We chose this particular cruise for several reasons, timing being one of them.  One of the few that is at sea on Christmas day. 

Pooh, well said!  Personal responsibility, what a novel idea!  An inheritance is a gift not a right!
IMO: When it comes to GC I cannot blame them if they choose not to be close to us when they are grown. If they never have the opportunity to know us as they grow it will not be their choice but that of their parents.  I will not slight them because their parents made poor choices.  They have already been slighted enough.   My attorney was visibly troubled when we bypassed OS but understood when we explained.  He had another couple doing the same thing the day we were there.  He said that he hopes we'll be changing the Will again in a couple years.  OS knows we made changes and probably assumes that he gets nothing.  His wife is "aghast" at how we are behaving!  Seriously? 

I think that the one thing we are struggling with right now is GC that may be born to YS.  Since OS's portion goes to his children we certainly cannot give to them and not to the children of YS.  We figure that when the time comes we will give YS half and divide the other half among all of the GC.  That gives YS's family 75% increasing the chance of OS contesting.  Not sure how else to handle it.

[Elise]

My eldest sister and her husband estranged themselves completely from our parents and the rest of us siblings when their eldest child was 16.  Those children - 6 of them, had spent a lot of time with my parents, their grandparents, until that point as they lived within a few miles. It was a silly fight which caused this estrangement and while my parents held hope the children would come around once grown, that never happened, and the eldest of those children is in their 50's now.  I think despite what had to be good memories of their grandparents to the time of estrangement, now 30 some years ago, whatever my sister and her husband had told their children, kept them away forever.  Children are not always allowed to form their own opinions, lots of parents teach them to take on their views. I would not wait for the gc to come around once grown based on my personal history of this.  I was told I must choose between my parents and that siblings family by my bil about 28 years ago, and that if this went to my parents graves it would go beyond.  Lots of unbearable sadness for all I believe. One of those nieces contacted me maybe 15 years ago when she was having trouble with her parents - she told me her dad had told all of them that if they had any contact with their moms foo they would be disowned. I cried and sent her back to make it up with her parents. My parents eliminated that daughter from their will maybe 20 years ago, though my sibling actually died a few months before my mom under 2 years ago and her children also did not inherit anything - little left anyway by that time.  They did come sniffing around after mom died though, have not heard from any of them myself since. I was very close to them and took care of them a lot as a young adult. The one who came around told me she had wonderful memories of our times together when she was a child, so I content myself with that. I think their memories in our cases are more valuable than any money they might have inherited, had there been a significant amount left.  Perhaps it would be different if they had never known their grandparents - as is true of the youngest - the seventh not born until around the time of the estrangement.
Each family is different though and this is just my own history with this topic.

[Grammie]

Elise, awful story!  I am so sorry for all involved. 

[Keys Girl]

Pam, you are right, you can't legislate charity.

I can see why not leaving anything to an adult child might be the ultimate rejection, but not seeing a parent and cutting them off during their lifetime is the same.

Thanks,
KG

PS. Is is possible to split the cruising feedback to another thread or has this thread pretty much run it's course?

[SCW]

My OP have taken an interesting stance on their will, I wanted to share.  This is for the parent who wants to be fair to all AC.

My DM has kept meticulous records of everything she spends on all of us AC.  We jokingly refer to this as "Mom's Book."  She lists gifts, and loans, and what ever each line item is for.  With five of us and all have been in need at one time or another, one sister lived with them for years with her two children, I think she has been afraid to leave anyone more then another.

DP have many beautiful antiques and collectables also, the above named sibling went through the house and placed her name on so much of this.  Literally, she used tape and taped her name on bottoms and backs of things.

So DP decided, and we all have a copy of the will, that everything will be sold before or upon the death of the last spouse, at auction.  If we want anything we are allowed to bid on and win any of the items. 

All auction money and savings, etc. will be combined, "Mom's book" will then be taken into account.  Those amounts will be deducted for each sibling, from their share, then proceeds will be  split 5 ways.   I know it sounds confusing the way I put it here, but it actually works out nicely for those of us who have been more self sufficient.

Mind you, DP are not denying themselves anything.  They travel, spend on themselves and plan for their future. I would love to see them spend it all on themselves.

I have one sibling that cannot wait for them to die, he insisted when DF went into hosp one time, that we "have a meeting to handle everything." This was 15 years ago!  I refused to attend.  The other sibling noted above, claims to not want to hear about the day when it happens, but her actions speak differently.

Myself, I would use the thought "You reap what you sow."  My AC know that we do not have much, since I have been disabled for the past 12 years.  We do not travel, even a vacation a year does not happen for us.  If the expect anything, they are sorely mistaken.  But one never knows. 

Now, should I win the lottery and they begin to "love me" again....hahahahhaha!  I think I will have the memory of an elephant 

[Pooh]

PS. Is is possible to split the cruising feedback to another thread or has this thread pretty much run it's course?

I think I got the cruise posts into a topic on their own, if I didn't mess it up too badly 

[luise.volta]

Thanks, Pooh, for doing that. I tried that once and made a real mess of it. I think this thread may have run its course, as well. We have all pretty much had our say and have expressed our varying experiences and points of view. Therein lies our strength.

[Keys Girl]

This topic has been on my mind a lot.  I didn't start a new thread because I thought it was a good idea to have the previous feedback.

I have to go for tests in the near future, there's a strong chance I might have problems with my kidneys.  If I do, then that opens up the door to a new chapter that is likely to reduce my life expectancy.

I've thought about whether or not I should get in touch with my son, and what to do about my will because I'll be meeting with my lawyer in the next few weeks. 

After a lot of back and forth agonizing, and a few sleepless nights I've decided against contacting my son.  The last time I had problems with my blood pressure and I just wanted him and his girlfriend to back off and give me some space, they went ballistic which eventually led to him telling me he didn't want to keep in touch with me and not being invited to the wedding that I refused to help fund.  If I do have some more health issues to sort out, I don't need the added hassle and stress of dealing with them, and having watched his new wife and her sisters argue and divide their grandmothers' possessions with all the affection of a group of piranhas, (and that would be before the grandmothers had a terminal illness), piranhas of any type aren't going to be invited back into my life.

It's profoundly sad that at this stage of my life, my son is not in it, but my blood pressure is the lowest it's been in many years, so I know I've been doing something right.

I've found some negative feedback on my new family doctor that fills in the blanks with my first experience with her so I'm looking for someone new and non-abrasive if I'm going to have to deal with more complicated issues so that might delay getting them done.

I'm going to "Keep Calm and Carry On" and see what the test results show, and in the meantime, I'm going to practice a little "retail therapy" (shopping)

KG

[nikncon]

OMG Keys!!before I left for the winter I was told that my GFR is 59. I must see a nephrologist's for tests in April.I too have high bp. when I stress over things and often my DS My bp goes up which is bad for the kidneys.Hope that you get good news when you have your results.Thinking of you.PS when my DS didn't talk to me all of Jan I seemed calmer.I didn't know what was going on in his life.Now he contacts me and I love  our talks but I'm worrying again.Must get this under control too.

[Pooh]

Well KG, sorry to hear you may have some additional health issues, but glad you are finding someone new so if you do, you can get on a treatment plan to help you.

I struggle with this issue as well and my DH has even asked me that if I became very sick, or had a wreck, or anything that put me in the hospital, did I want him to contact my OS?  After going back and forth with myself, my final decision was no.  I decided the same as you, that if someone was going on, the last thing I needed was more stress because OS/DIL showed up.  I know many here would be happy to see theirs, but I would just be angry and that wouldn't help me or anyone that loves me, during an already trying time for everyone.

I feel if they don't want anything to do with me when it's a good time, I don't want anything to do with them when it's a bad time.  And when it comes to "end of life" issues, I can just imagine how upset and angry my DH, my Mother/Father/StepMother/Stepfather/Neice....I could go on and on, with the people in my life now that really know how much OS/DIL have hurt me, have watched me cry a river of tears and have been hurt themselves by their actions would feel for them to show up.

At this point in my life, I feel it is best for everyone involved that they stay away.  Part of staying away is no provisions in my will for them.

[Kate]

Totally agree Pooh.  I have agonised over an appropriate response to any hypothetical contact from YS.  In the scheme of things it is unlikely that I will have to deal with the situation, but my ES and SD probably will when I am no longer here as one of DILs parting shots was that they would contest my will if YS 'didn't get his share'.  My solution has been to leave his share to his biological children - he has only one daughter of whom I am aware.  Of course, it is trickier if the estranged adult child has no children. 

In the hypothetical where he turns up at my death bed, I hope I would have the strength to be polite.

[Keys Girl]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, Pooh, I think I'll take your lead. 

I'm not going to worry a whit about anyone who isn't in my life.  It's not the way I ever expected that things would work out, but that's the case for a lot of things in life I found out.

I'm going to concentrate my energy on those who ARE in my life and enjoy them as much as I can.

KG

[luise.volta]

I don't have anything to leave in a will but a friend once told me she was advised by her attorney to add..."Anyone who contests this will...will be automatically disinherited." I wonder if that really works? If I had anything,I think it would go to those who hold me in their hearts with kindness.

I know we're all vastly different, as are our circumstances...but/and I seek the comfort of mutual respect. Anyone, related or not, can hate me because that's about them...but they can't abuse me unless I make myself available. I simply choose not to. Even if it would cause me the loss of my grandchildren, I don't think I would budge on that. Why would I want to hang on to my grandchildren if, in the process, they had to be exposed to watching their parents being cruel? It's just not anything I'd want to participate in...even passively.