Thought I'd give my last ditch effort

[Miss Understood]

My DH is step father. 2 brothers won't talk to him for what he is doing. My DH called him several times, he never answered, refuses to do it anymore and he turned my ex against us. So...I have no chance with this. He was close to sisters, but he won't call them either and cursed them. So sad

[LaurieS]

How can I fix or even assume...when I don't know what is really happening.
My DH and OD seem to think they got themselves in way to deep and if he makes up with me he'd have to eat a BIG HUMBLE sandwich to everyone he knows and he is just not mature enough to do that. It scares me that he never will either. I miss the baby so much. I miss them too. I just don't miss the yelling and screaming and the games.

Isn't it sad that a misunderstanding can lead to so much destruction within a family..as far as a bike ride goes, that in itself seems harmless and if they were opposed to this type of activity to the point of feeling that it deserved a total separation from the family then you'd think that they would have spoken to you about this in advance... face to face... it's the only way you know that someone is fully comprehending what is being requested.  A text? they are claiming that they had strictly forbid this life altering activity and the best they could do was a text. 

I feel for your breaking heart and I can certainly see how you miss your son and his family... but the yelling screaming and games that you mention may have become a large part of who they are as a couple and if they are feeding off of these negative feelings and almost becoming empowered by them then it's just a waiting game for the time being.  Give them their space and keep them in your prayers, at some point there may be a slight opening to the real truth to their anger and it possibly has nothing to do with you...

[Miss Understood]

Thank you. I pray constantly. I just feel hopeless so much, as the mom I am, I absorb everyone's suffering and want so very much for this pain to stop. I think having all of you here and my prayers is all I can do. Just such a shame. They are doing this to the baby too...they just don't see it.

[jomama]

Oh, Absolutely. In a nut shell. She made fun of my son for being a "mama's boy" all the time. He loved me, loved my cooking...I was good to her when ever she needed me...more so than anyone else. I think they had some marital problems and maybe my DS threw me into the equation and then the poisoning started...this is what my DH thinks. Then he picked on my ODD who has a daughter that he loved...that's why he wanted to have a baby. It's just a mess, lies they spread, told and they hurt us so much. No one did anything against them. My DS said they told me no bike ride and I went against their wishes...that did no happen. I was set up in a way. They claim they texted me, I didn't get it. Either way...she had a wonderful time and my goodness....I raised 5 kids, all on my bike. I ride my other GC on my bike, I am actually heading out on my bike right now. I am an experienced rider. NOTHING happened and I appologized. I don't deserve the silent treatment and cut off. Absolutely no communication. So, How can I fix or even assume...when I don't know what is really happening.
My DH and OD seem to think they got themselves in way to deep and if he makes up with me he'd have to eat a BIG HUMBLE sandwich to everyone he knows and he is just not mature enough to do that. It scares me that he never will either. I miss the baby so much. I miss them too. I just don't miss the yelling and screaming and the games.

Miss U-
This is exactly where my DD is now. When this latest scheme fails, she'll eventually call and pretend nothing ever happened. And so we rant and hurt....and wait.

[Miss Understood]

I have a little dilemma I think. My DS didn't call my folks for over a year, didn't bring the baby over or anything. My parents were furious...my mom is ill. Everytime I saw my DS, I'd encourage him to do so. I brought the baby over to see them, etc. When this happened...my folks lied to me about seeing my DS and building a relationship with them. My parents see all bad in me and I am sure they encourage him to not talk to me. My folks are still lying and making it out like it is my fault, though now...my DS is super after listening to how horrible to them my DS was for over a year. I am afraid they are steering him to punish me because that is what they do. My mom even said on the phone that I hurt her and made her cry...now it is my turn. Even after I pleaded here for support because I felt bad that she is dying and want to resolve this issue...they were seeing and talking to him all along. They shout at me, "what ever is going on between you and DS is you and DS's issue, not ours." Of course it is...but when DS was doing the silent treatment to them...I listened to how horrible he was and never once left them hanging.
I seem to be misunderstood all around and wonder what the purpose of my life is because I am good to people and try to do the right thing all the time...but constantly get squashed and kicked. I hate it. I also got from my father the other day (shouted at me) if your mother dies and your DS doesn't come to the funeral because he doesn't want to see you...that is your fault. Well...see my dillemma. I'm the bad guy to my family all the way around.

[Pen]

MU, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. In some families there has to be a scapegoat, and lucky you got the job. I've been my FOO's for years, and if DS rejected them because of me I'd hear about it for sure. I find myself accepting a lot of bad behavior just to get along.

Perhaps you need to calmly let your dad know that this is not your problem. You may need to repeat it several times. The only person you can control is yourself; your dad & your DS are grown ups and are making their own choices. I think it's cruel for your dad to use your mom's possible demise to hurt you. {{{hugs}}}

[Miss Understood]

Oh Pen...I tried. They twisted and plotted. They don't hear anything I have to say. I have been in therapy for years over this. My mom and dad blame me for everything wrong in our family. It's awful. My DS knows this and I think that is why he is over there on their side now. Just like the silent treatment. My DS saw what they did for years and now...he is joining in. He knows the Silent treatment hurts me and he has manipulated my parents into another soldier on their side against me...their daughter. It is awful. Sometimes I get so depressed about it...My DH gets mad at me for keep going back in...but they are my parents. Just like my DS...I am trying to do the right thing, be the better person. Just love them...even if it is killing me. I'm a sad case...when I read this...no wonder no one likes me and I am out cast. I am a doormat.

[erma]

MU, so sorry!  you don't deserve the treatment your getting from your foo, and that's the most cruel thing Ive ever heard said, what came from you dads mouth!!! how awful! don't listen to it anymore! get away, heal yourself! pamper yourself and stay away from them for now!
i have seen this before in my bff's family once.  where her children took sides with my bff's parents, all the while blaming all the bad things that happened in the family on her. (my bff)
now, hindsite is 20/20 mind you, as it turned out, after her parents died, they left everything to my bff's children. (they had some money) they had never been close to their grandparents until they were very old and sick, then the children moved in like vampires, to suck every last penny out of them. the only reason they sided with them in the first place was to get their money in the end. it made me just utterly sick!!! her children have a relationship with her now, but their behavior continues to be selfcentered.
so take heart dear lady, its not you, its them!!

[Miss Understood]

Thanks Erma. That is what my ODD said about her brother. All of a sudden....He is using them for what he needs right now.
1. to justify why he is doing what he is doing (he knows my folks will give him a million reasons...their reasons, but my DS will now own them)
2. My mom is dying and my dad is old.
3. Most importantly...he knows it hurts me that he is moving to their side. My parents didn't even go to his wedding reception because they were mad at me (even though I hugged them at the wedding and told them I am glad they came) My DS was mad at them for a long time over that. He has seen the way they treat me, fight for no reason, oust me and then give me the silent treatment. He knows it kills me.

Hard to stay all away from my mom because she isn't going to live much longer. It is going to be a mess if DS doesn't make things right before she dies. Makes things right with me that is. His sisters and my DH are furious and I can just see a lot of drama brewing...It is already brewing. Breaks me up inside because this is the way my mom is ending her life and putting the guilt on my shoulders. I am suffering all around and am finding it hard to see a reason for any of this. I know that GOD tells us he has a purpose for everything....I have been through so much in my life and I was looking forward to these years...seeing my accomplishments, my children's life, my GC. I feel like a bomb went off and i am burning away in this debris...trying to salvage some sort of life to look forward to. My poor DD's. They don't deserve this from me. The hurt me. I am always such a fun, loving and devoted mother...they see me worn, tattered and beaten. I can barely muster a smile anymore. Sucks!
Though I am trying hard...I don't think I will ever be the same person again.

[Nana]

Miss Understood

I know your mom is old and she is going to die.  That makes matters worse for you.  But I am sorry to say that she knows that she will die and still want to leave you with the burden of not being in good terms with her.  How can she do that?  Isnt she a mother?  I would never want my children to feel guilty after I am gone.  She is not giving you a chance.  Sorry I get angry with your mom....its not fair.

God Bless You

[Miss Understood]

Ya know Nana, I am angry with my mom too. I took them out to lunch the other day with my ODD and GD who were visiting me from out of town. My mom used to be so close to my ODD, she was the only GD for 7 years. Then recently...she stood up to them about something and they are nasty to her in a way. She hugged my mom and told her she missed her and my mom's response was, "doesn't seem like it, you never come and visit." O.k. I would have said, "I love you and miss you too...wish I could see more of you." That is the difference with us. But my mom has a lung thing and can't be around people much cause it sets her back. The other day after the lunch, I asked if she heard from my DS. They both, my mom and dad verbally attacked me and went round and round with BS excuses and couldn't even tell me the truth...again. Why wouldn't they want me, their own daughter, to be happy, to have hope that they will help and encourage DS to make up with me. My mom was in the background screaming as my dad was reading me the riot act. I could hear her yell, "you made me cry...now it's your turn, now it is your turn to suffer." Like she was enjoying this. Like she really wanted me to feel her pain.
My ODD did something horrible to me years ago (stupid 20 year old) it hurt, but I never bring it up and hope she never endures that from her DD. It's what good people want for their family. I feel bad thinking my mom is leaving this earth with leaving me feeling awful about myself. my therapist says that my mom looks through different glasses at me than she does with my brother and sister. I am the no good...even though I am not the person she sees me as.

[LaurieS]

MU.. how we all wish that there was a magical word that could help you through this maze.  I understand where you are coming from concerning your mother, but if you don't accept the guilt from her then it will hers to take to the grave.  Her   actions are between her and her God.  We all have enough to shoulder without taking on more when we have no control over the outcome. 

The worse  part of the whole situation is that the ones who are supportive of you now are the ones that you are moving away from.  While I understand that you can't  turn a blind eye from your son's  family and your own parents, you can and must find true  happiness with the family who is there for you. You  said, "I am always such a fun, loving and devoted mother". It's time to be one now for your husband, your daughters, most importantly for yourself. 

I  understand how easily it is to become consumed by the hurt, anger, and sorrow..  been there...done that.  Earlier there was  mention of  writing letters full of your thoughts with no true  intention of sharing them with anyone.. this alone does not  always clear my mind so there  are  several things  that I  do when I feel an onslaught of depression.. first..honestly I increase my daily water intake and vitamins... then I make list.. I list all the great things about each of my kids, my life, my dreams...I even list what is making me angry and disappointments but always keep a ratio of many positives to each negative.  I know this sounds silly but it does work for me.  This is how I quit smoking after 20+ years, and it's how I've maintained a very good relationship with family members.

When my kids were younger I started that approach with them.. they would come home from school angry with a teacher or friend and  before I'd allow them to rant they would have to name off 5 really positive things that happened during the day first. I found that this helped to cleanse and balance the mind, and then you can proceed without such a negative rush of anxiety. 

Those are little things I try.. I'm sure others have more possible suggestions.. but you've got to do something for yourself because you really don't deserve to feel as low and lonely as you do right now.... You are in our hearts.. we really are pulling for you.

[Miss Understood]

Thank you Laurie, I appreciate the idea for the positive. I am doing o.k. though it is hard to see that in the writing. I don't feel well though... I feel sick, congested, tired and just wore out. But, I am trying to keep pumping along.
Sometimes I sound like a Martyr, and I apologize for that. It just comes out wrong. It's nice to be able to speak how you feel bad and have someone show you compassion. In my world...I am not allowed to feel bad about me. Not even when I had my cancer. I am not allowed to have a sad day, feel sorry for myself or even complain without people getting mad at me.
I wish we could all just go out for lunch, cocktails and hug eachother. Wouldn't that be a hoot of an afternoon?
Thank you my dear friends for letting me be myself.

[luise.volta]

Bless your heart, MU. We all have many selves. I have one like that who often comes to the surface. A weary one. I wish I had one that could play the piano...but I do have one that sings. :-)

[LaurieS]

That is the beauty of sites such as this.. you can vent..scream..shout..cry and it's ok.  Truly OK.

I understand what you mean by not feeling that you are allowed to have blue days.  I was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer on my face and yeah my family could accept my depression for about 3 hours and then I felt like it was dismissed.  My dh fumes and worries over nothing to the point of losing sleep... I on the other hand......

It's when my body gets worn down that I can see myself spiraling with little control... that is when I really do step up the b-complex vitamins... but your suggestions of lunch  and drinks would work for me as well   I can be dressed and ready in an hour.