continuation of losing my son need help!

[cocoanut8]

  Sorry for the long venting, Anytime i try to call My DS his GF to make some type of plans his GF always tells me not this weekend etc.. we have plans with my family.  Their visits have decreased to next to nothing. MY DS told me that he was going to take my brothers kids out{very rough time for them} well "looks good and sounds good on paper} my DS never followed through instead took his GF nephew fishing. We are occasionally invited to GF family for get togethers but DH and myself feel very out of place {we are strangers to them} When we invite GF and DS to come out, always an excuse have to go see GF family this time etc. My DS and me have always been close and now me and my DH are being outcasted.  And if i tell my DS anything i get "sorry, i am just very busy".  DS called me 2 weeks ago and said"you seem so sad, do you want me to come over and visit" well i heard GF in the background say"not tonight i am making burgers" i don't think that he knows i heard GF.  He then told me sorry, mom, i really can't i am just to tired. I just cry all the time i miss him so much.  I know he has his own life but why is GF family so important and we are the leftovers?  I just don't understand. Mind you he used to visit @ least weekly and call weekly that has diminshed to maybe every other month i get a phone call.

[DDM]

It sounds to me that DS is probably just in love with being in love with his GF and for now that is his main focus. Boys especially, can become somewhat brain dead when they are young and in love. I have raised 3 boys and have experienced similar behaviours with all of them. The good news is they do eventually come up for air. If all their time is being spent with the GF's family I would suggest that you make the effort to build a social relationship with them. Try not to feel out of place when they include you in their family get together or better still invite them to your place for a smaller gathering. Get to know them.

There does come a time when family dynamics shift. Instead of our children being part of our lives, we have to make that extra effort to be part of theirs - which includes the GF and her family.

[Postscript]

Girls too are famous for focussing solely on their current love, to the exclusion of all else.  I think we have all had friends that disappeared every time they got a new boyfriend and reappeared when broken up.

But this might not be a new relationship?

[luise.volta]

We see DILs putting their family first and DSs putting DILs first a lot. Again, we trip over our expectations and feel such a sense of loss we can hardly stand it. They, however, get to make the rules and pretend to be adults until they make it. And we get to let go of our expectations and accept their course of action, no matter how unwise and unfair. Do we have to like it? No way! What's to like about being dropped like a hot potato for no reason at all?

We come here, regroup, heal and go on. And sometimes, believe it or not, it gets better!   

[catchingup]

Hi Cocoanut8,
I read your post earlier on today.
I feel so sad when I read a lot of these posts that I dont want to read anymore.

Hope I never hear you apologize again for venting.This is where you vent.

I am sure your son loves you but I have said this before and I need to say it again.
If we hold a bird in a closed hand it will struggle until it is free.It is unlikely it will want to fly back to you.
You must let your son fly away and he will come back to you.

This about the only good thing that came out of a very bad mother-in-law experiance it taught me to never tie my sons down.

Look at it this way they tied us down too.Now this is our free time to do all those things we missed out on while devoting the best part of our lives to them.
We are free so why cant so many of us fly??

I am very fortunate that I have my own interests. Also my sons live in the U.K. and I am in South Africa so I only see them every now and again.
I have had a problem with one of my FDIL's and this is the reason I found this site. I was looking for answers.

Nevertheless, I dont  know how old you are but at a guess 50 going by the  age of your son.
It is not too late to find a hobby.Do whatever you enjoy,develope new friendships,offer your help at a charity.
Dont depend on your son for company. What I am trying to say is Live,come alive,get so involved in your own life ,be independant of your son and his girlfriend. You will end up being so cheerful they will love being around you.
Your life will become miserable if you sit around fretting about something that probably wont happen--losing your son.


It is not easy at first but take it day by day. Do a puzzle for an hour or two. Clean out a cubboard ,
concentrate on something other than your empty nest syndrome.

Sending blessings and hugs.

[luise.volta]

My mother once said..."The closer we look...the bigger it gets. Better pass on the magnifying glass." And at the same time, we need to feel all of the feelings that come up and let them pass through us. Keeping them is lethal. Sending love...

[Nana]

Dear Coco:

As you can see you are not alone with this mil-dil problem.  It is unbelievable how similar all this stories are.   You son is very young and tries to please GF. That is, all is centered around GF and son know we will always be there for them.   It is very unjust that dil's want to keep their families close while kiching BF'S (or husband's) family out.  I am sure she does not mean to hurt you but as young as she is---she is self-centered.  Let's face it, young people are usually selfish and care only for what is convenient to them.  Eventually they will mature (I hope).  You just try to hold on and probably things will start to straighten up. 

What else can I say....it is how it is...

I always say something that I read.....""Your rights end where mine begin" and so you can make your own decisions on whether you can wait for changes or move on with your life. 

I wish you the best of luck.....and a big hug for  you.

[Laurashelby]

I feel your pain!  I don't understand why these young adults cannot find balance for two families.  Lord knows I did and I didn't force both sides to be together ....they were on separate ends of the spectrum.  If the significant other doesn't want to go no biggy but our children should call and come visit especially if they came from good, kind loving homes.  I keep thinking what goes around comes around and they won't understand until their children do this to them. By the time I healed my own relationship with my mother I only had her for two years before she passed.  So much time was wasted.  I have days where I scream..."I'm Done!"  I have been direct, begged, used guilt, and written a contract for holiday time....nothing has worked and now it doesn't even feel natural. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of my son who I know loves me but then he goes back to the madness.

[luise.volta]

Oh, what a precious glimpse!

[catchingup]

Nana "Your rights end where mine begin" Amen
Going to post that on my facebook.

Have just posted this one there "The more I try to be perfect,the more imperfect I realize I am.
I may as well just be myself."

[Nana]

Yes catchingup:

I would say "The most perfect I try to be, the more imperfect I become." lol.....
Good night....good quote.   

[cocoanut8]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts much appreciated. You are all absolutely right i need to let go, if i fight for my son's attention he seems to become more distant.  So @ this time as hard as it will be for me it's time to let go and just accept this as "it is what it is."  And an earlier reply guessed my age @ 50 well close i am 44 sorry i did not state my age, sometimes i would like not to remember that i am climbing to over the hill, LOL.  Anyway, thanks so much again for all the loving concerns.

[luise.volta]

You are climbing over the hill at 44?  (You are barely dry behind the ears!!!)

[catchingup]

44!! Free at 44 to do all those things you could not do while attending to children.

Go Girl Go!! Dont spend the best years of your life fretting. Life begins at 40.

[luise.volta]

Or 50, or 60 or 70...or would you believe 80?