Re: Would a wise woman ask - New Member

[Scoop]

SCW - I know that I am perilously close to being like the DIL's of the women here.  I really try and make it my mission to show the 'other side' and how things can be taken a different way.  I also set a great deal of the 'blame' for the relationship straight at my DH's feet.  He knew what his Mom was like, he knew what I was like, he could easily have negotiated between us, to minimize the hurt going in both directions.  He didn't, this is his bed, he can lie in it.

[pam1]

I think it's best to stay away from the generalities of what a DIL or MIL is like -- generally, it's not helpful to anyone.

[NewMama]

I think that's why a forum like this is good, I came here trying to see things from her side which has helped me resist the urge to go off on her, because it's there. It mostly boiled down to her expectations vs ours. She had an idea of how having a GS would be (he's the first on both sides) and this whole mess started when it was clear it wasn't meeting her expectations. But we didn't know what those were in the beginning, now I do and they're unrealistic. So we failed to meet them, and to her I'm that mean nasty DIL who keeps her from her GS, and controls her son. Reality is my DH turns down her requests for visits and I don't even know about it. But that's my fault apparently. DH agrees with me about a parenting decision? I'm controling him. DH asks my mom to babysit while I'm working? My fault. He doesn't have the need to connect with his family that I do. Again, my fault.  Her son doesn't make enough money to support the three of us, so I went back to work. My fault for being that selfish to abandon my baby. It's so easy to put me in the crosshairs, not her son. If she has issues with her time with she should be taking it up with her son, not taking it out me.

I think it's a lot of miscommunication, coupled with our own respective expectations. I'm mildly hormonal at the moment, we just found out #2 is on their way so I may be a bit touchy

[Grammie]

Scoop, No nothing happened because I did not keep the children.  My son was planning a surprise gift for his wife.  I felt that at 18 months and 3.5 years the GC were too young to be away from Mommy for that long.  We were negotiating length of vacation when holiday plans caused a dispute resulting in estrangement.  Although I reluctantly agreed to the vacation plan initially I ended up requiring surgery in December and would not have been able to care for them anyway.

With regard to your response to Footloose my feeling is that if I do or say something that upsets or hurts someone then tell me about it.  If they don't bring it up within a month then they should just get over it! I don't want to hear about it three years later.  Reliving the past ruins the future and holding grudges is destructive.  Next time MIL your says something that hurts you tell her you're hurt.  You don't have to go back to day one because you may not remember the situation accurately either.  I never said anything to my MIL because I was taught to always respect my elders, period!  I'm almost 60 years old now so what she has to say no longer bothers me.  I suck it up and move on.  For the sake of my children I would never have kept them from their GPs simply because my feelings were hurt.  I would have at least given the children the chance to make their own decision. One child stayed close the other did not. 

[pam1]

Congratulations NewMama!!!!  How exciting

Grammie, we've had many discussions on telling vs not telling.  Posters on both sides have good arguments for why it is a good reason for them vs why it wasn't/or isn't a good reason for them.  I've said it here a few times about what happened when I told my MIL the things she said were offensive (gossip about my mother who passed away) and the results.  They weren't good, in fact, it made things worse.  Over the years I've noticed she is a person who cannot handle personal conversations, she is very upset if you even voice an opposing opinion then hers that has nothing to do with anything.  Once I said I don't like a certain type of material, she went bananas on me and behind my back because she liked the material and thought I was dissing her by stating my opinion.  The stuff gives me a rash!  I don't know how you talk to anyone like that or have a real relationship with them if you can't even say an opinion that might differ from theirs. 

I think, also, that I *expected* her to behave like anyone else I knew.  Similar to what I see you writing, that people should talk to each other.  I really, really expected MIL to be able to talk to me.  It wasn't fair of me to expect that of her, especially when every day conversation is a minefield.  A very, personal one is not very realistic to expect of her.

[Grammie]

SCW/Scoop,  I'm sorry but I made in error in directing my last comment.  The first part was an answer to SCW while only the second paragraph was for Scoop.  Still trying to get the hang of using this forum.

[Grammie]

Pam1,  I'm sorry to hear that your MIL is like that.  I feel your pain because my DIL doesn't not seem to be what I would consider normal.  I was playing the same GMotherly roll that I had encouraged from my DM and MIL.  I guess I was overstepping boundaries that I wasn't aware existed.  I got in trouble for giving a small basket with candy and colored eggs without permission.  I thought I was being nice because OS/DIL were in the process of painting their new home and had not made holiday preparations.  My DIL's mother warned me two years ago not to cross her daughter.  She told me that my DIL had given her and DH the silent treatment for 13 months before she and OS met.  I tried very hard to be so perfect but I just can't win.  I guess you are right.  I'm not sure that talking with her would have made any difference.

[SCW]

Is it obvious to anyone other then me that it seems to be DS/DIL VS MIL or  DM VS DD.  Are men slightly oblivious to the situations, do they let things slide easier then we women? 
It may just be that this is a WW = women forum.  But in my case DH, while very loving and supportive, seems to not notice, or gets over things so easily.
My own DF says "I don't want to hear about it"
Why can't we be more like men?  Why do we have to take things to heart, even if it is a tiny comment about the weather. 
DF always has to be right....you cannot contradict him, ever.  I love him and let it slide.  He is older then I and I have respect for him and the way he has lived his life.
MIL has worked just as hard as DF, but she is "snippy" to me and her other DIL.  We, of course cannot do anything right for her sons.  Do I just interpret her wrong?

*sigh*  I wish I were a man.....lol not in a million years.

[Lillycache]

How many time has DIL... or MIL.... been able to "tell it like it is" and it went over any other way but like a lead balloon?  I think the relationship between most MILs and DILs can't stand up to it.    I have mixed feelings however.   I didn't learn of all my sins of the past 12 years until 2 years ago when all H double toothpicks broke loose.  I had no idea the things she brought up were a  problem.. and most of the "incidents" I didn't even remember. Maybe if I had some clue as to what bothered her I could have avoided some of the problems.   On the other hand, if these things were brought to my attention as they occurred, I think, in fact I know I would have been offended, and my feelings would have been hurt and it just wouldn't have gone over well... knowing me.     SO.... DIL was also in a way between a rock and a hard place.   

[Grammie]

Newmama, congratulations!!  I commend you for you efforts to understand the complex relationship between DIL/MIL and work on the issues at hand.  I wish I had found this site a long time ago! 

Men do have the tendency not to be as close to their families as women are.  I have two sons and now regret not trying for that daughter.  There was a time when YS didn't care much about seeing us.  His wonderful wife strongly encouraged him to visit. Unfortunately they are divorced now.  He now lives far away but he calls every week, instant messages me and plays online games regularly.  Sometimes that's all it takes to make Mom happy.  A one line email goes farther than you might think.

Having a new family takes a lot of love and jockeying for position.  As a GM I can say that I have no interest in raising or disciplining GC.  I want to see them but not everyday or even every week. I like my peace and quiet. I just like to know that I am allowed to see them.  I don't mind babysitting occasionally but all day for several days in a row is too long.  I would like to be consulted in the planning of family functions that include me, such as holidays.  They should not assume that I want to spend every holiday with her family.  If you plan a holiday without my input and I don't like the plan don't punish me because I object or make alternate plans for myself.  If you want me to respect your right to make your own choices then you must be prepared to respect mine.  I would like the opportunity to see my GC open the gifts I give them. Don't invite me to a birthday party without telling me in advance that gifts will be not be opened until later in private and I am not welcome to be there.  I live 8 miles away, I can come by another day.  Don't use my GC as pawns to punish me.  My OS/DIL told us we can see GC if we call them and ask permission to come to their home where we can be supervised.  They refuse to invite us and have not spoken to us for months.  We were not invited to GSs 4th birthday.  Not exactly friendly conditions.  As far as I'm concerned it is the responsibility of the parents to see that their children have the opportunity to bond with GPs.  If parents refuse to make the effort they have no right blaming the GPs for not being there.

[Reba]

My middle son has just recently allowed me to see 1st and only GS however we have been jumping through hoops to see him.  DIL doesn't let us take him out of home and visits are supervised! If we don't call 3or 4 days in advance we get a lecture.  We are supportive of these demands but it does get waring when things don't go as planed and then we are called baby ditchers.. ...which I think is very funny since GS is only 1 years old and doesn't understand ditching.  I am truly just about done with it because even though I love my 1st GC to death I cannot abide by my MS and DIL crazy attitude towards me.   I really appreciate what you are going through with your son too.  I never thought I would be placed on a horrible, fake mother list but alas there I am.  I am not any of that and so I am moving on. Thanks again for all the support.

[Grammie]

As to taking a small child out of the home, I have seen a few posts referring to this.  I never asked to take GC out of home because I don't have car seats and transferring car seats is a major undertaking.  DILs parents bought car seats because they are retired and have the GC much more often than I used to have them so they got their money's worth.   OS actually had his professionally installed.  I would not dream of asking him to move them into my car.  Giving the benefit of the doubt for that decision. 

[Reba]

I feel somehow you have given up.  I have car seat and I am perfectly capable of watching GS out of the home.  DIL however doesn't feel safe about it.  I drive professionally and I have a full resume on child rearing.

[Footloose]

I was required to buy my own supplies:
car seat of her choosing
Diapers/ wipes
Food/ drink
stroller
beds/ sheets/ pillows
socks, socks and socks that NEVER came back!
PJs/ Slippers (DIL thought it stupid to put PJs on.  She thinks steer clothes are just fine.  guess what?  The kids rather wear and are very proud of their PJs and it works for the bedtime ritual too.
Pick up and drop off (curb service)
Buy new clothes each year for fall/ winter
Keep shoes, socks and jackets on hand as they will never be included in the bag (he's wear those dang crocks and could not run and do out door stuff (even ride his bike) w/o coming out of them or tripping! 

So I had a daycare center waiting and used...when she worked and needed a sitter.  Once she stopped working, all overnite visits ended and only one kid at a time for outings.  No worries there as i would rather have em one at a time for obvious reasons and it gave me a chance to bond and have individual time spent on each. The GKs loved it too.

Even if you know the rules cuz they actually tell u what they are and follow them exactly, no guarantee she will not change them and then bust you later for not reading her mind.

I was always so happy to have any help that I gave curb svc to my ILs and parents w/ car seat installed in their car by me, more diapers than needed, all clothes and extras w/ shoes for any adventure and always a jacket.  Even in the summer for cool days/ rain or over cooled air conditioning. 

He was always packed w/ a few toys cuz GPs had very few and none of his faves.

So times have changed and opinions too.  i cannot keep up and now I don't even want to.

Good luck!  on your lil island DS!

Come Closer!  Go AWAY!  no, now come closer!  NOW GO AWAY!!!

[Reba]

Footloose just wondering why so angry and mean at the end of your post.  As far as an island I am not on one. Thanks for caring.