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Re: Would a wise woman ask - New Member

Started by Reba, July 17, 2012, 01:45:38 PM

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Pooh

Hang in there Grammie.  There is a freedom to being ourselves.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Reba

I have another question for the forum.  If said GS and Girlfriend do not let me take my GS any where because we are not allowed should I put my foot down?  It makes me sad and mad that I am dealt with in such a manner that I am not trusted to take GS any where!  Glfriends mom gets GS all the time and is trusted to care for him.
Peace and Love R

Grammie

Reba M, Personally I would not.  When we were told that the new tradition for Christmas would be opening gifts in private and we were not welcome I essentially put my foot down.  I sent an email, tongue in cheek and said that our plan was to come anyway and watch through the window.  I know, stupid thing to do.  I went on to ask why they would do such a thing and say if that was the plan we would not be coming.   I later apologized but the damage had been done.  I have been told in no uncertain terms that they have a right to make their own decisions regardless of whether or not I like it.  It seems now that their decision is not only can't I have my GC unsupervised, I can't see them at all!
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

SCW

Reba...
Yeah.....ummmmm   no.   I am sorry, I just had to get a point across. 
Sad as it is for GM's, we are not the ones who make the rules where are GC are concerned.  If your DM had "put her foot down" when you were a new mother, about anything, would you have stood for it and allowed her whatever she wanted?  Or would you have put a stop to it?
I am not saying what you are asking is not reasonable, but when a person in an already strained relationship with you is pushed against the wall, claws will come out.  In the end you will loose.
They have the right to do whatever they choose with their own children, even if it does not seem fair.
(((hugs)))
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal

Grammie

To be clear, we were invited to come later in the day on Christmas after gifts had been opened.  We went to the home of YS for Christmas instead.  We did our tree with OS/DIL on Dec. 28.  However they were upset with us then too and complained about everything we did. It's been downhill ever since.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

Smilesback@u

I really appreciate hearing other mothers' points and thank my higher power that there is this place, this forum to see me through all the changes I am going through.  WWU is the place to see all possible options we come up with before taking a decisive action.  So far each visit has been challenging but I am learning about myself and my family.  Since I have 6 DSs and only one married -- I really  need to learn now what I want to do because it is going to happen again and again.  Anyways, I have 2 GC ages 3 and 5 and have been going through intense reactions to DS/DIL when we visit which I have posted about here several times.  My DS/DIL do not serve us in anyway other than provide us a place to sleep.  They treat us as if they are doing us a favor and the atmosphere is intense, heavy and stressful.  DS says he loves his job, but coming home is very stressful - so I know it is not all about me.  I can barely stand the visits - so uptight!!  However, I am learning to adjust better with WWU's help.  I consider any adjustments I need to make necessary in order to see the GC.  I figure our time together is going to get less frequent since they grow up.  Spending a couple times a year to visit is expensive but worth it.   I take pictures, send cards, call on occasion, and make an effort to see them on holidays.  When someone brings up something from the past, it is not pleasant, and I have said more than once, *Oh, you do not want to go there!* They are opening up a can of worms we would all be sorry about.  However I have made it a point to tell my DSs after I have cooled off, how exactly I feel and want to be treated.  Basically they can tell me how they feel, but they are not allowed to hurt me with their words.  It is not going so well, as they continue to be angry with me.  So what else is new?  Moms do not cater to their sons, now or ever.  I do make photobooks after our visits to give to GC.  I have been going through my scrapbooks and scan everything and make photo books as gifts.  They will not get money from me anymore for birthdays, Christmas, or even store-bought gifts.  They are adults, and can provide for themselves and their daughters.  I don't have to explain myself to them either.  Less is more I think.   I treasure my memoralia and keep them close to my heart.  If you don't go visit, you are robbing yourself of memories, don't you think?  If you have to basically only talk with the GC in order to have a peaceful visit, then do that.  That is practically what I do now.  Just putting the finishing touches on visits - such as staying in a motel, buying my own meals and entertainment, and not expecting anything from them.  Unless they have something special going on and plan it with me, I am not going to babysit.  It seems to me that seeing the family twice a year is not enough time to get all worked up about anything.  So I grin and bear it, in order to have something to remember of the GC growing up.  All too soon they get busy with their own lives.   Hope this helps you get what you want.  sending hope

Pen

Reba, I'm with those who say do not "put your foot down" towards GF regarding your GS. Only put your foot down towards yourself regarding how you will react to her.

We MILs/GMs have no power over what our AC & their spouses do or how they feel about us. They set their limits & boundaries, we abide or decide to move on. Even if you politely but firmly set your limits & boundaries rather than "putting your foot down," chances are they will move on rather than abide by your wishes or demands. Are you ready for the possible consequences (not seeing GS at all?)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

NewMama

Reba, have you asked them if you can take GS out? Or are you waiting for them to ask?

My take is not to put your foot down about it. You may get to speak your mind, but unless you're prepared to accept the potential consequences I wouldn't. My experience has been that the minute someone demands to do something with my son I'll say no. I have no problems if someone asks me, but my mama bear instincts kick in royally when someone dictates to me what they will be doing with my baby. There might be better way to try to resolve it than putting your foot down.

Grammie

New Mama,  understood.  However what DILs fail to realize is that the man you married is your MILs child.  She felt the same way about him for many many years.  When a DIL fails to realize this and becomes overly pocessive of her family it hurts and causes problems.  As a new family you have the right to make your own choices but keep in mind that someday you will be a MIL to the spouse of your child.  Treat your MIL the way you hope to be treated one day.  Teach your children love and respect.  If grandparents are absent from the lives if your children that may be the norm in their lives as well.  I believe that my DIL has chosen to pick us apart to our son to the point that she has convinced him that he was never loved and we are bad people.  That is abuse!  My heart is broken but I am helpless to do anything about it.  I believe that he is doing what he is doing because he has no choice.  He loses us or he loses his children.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

Footloose

Grammie, you make a great point.  All moms who mistreat other family members and trash talk to their own sons may very well be on the losing side once the son marries and throws his family away.

Teach your children well?!  Wish I had known discarding family was a possibility as i would have reinforced the proper, respectful behavior beyond my own modeling.  It evidently was NOT enough! We have had some elders and other fam members who were hard to deal with and had issues w/ mental health but we kept them in the fold.  Now this new family feels like ANY inconvenience or difference in ideas or behavior is a direct challenge and insult to their own abilities and values. We are NOT talking about ANYTHING immoral or illegal here, folks! 

These differences DO NOT INCLUDE ANY ABUSE OR SUSPECT DANGER TO THE new family, they simply cannot be bothered to even try and compromise.  Heck, they do not even give reason. 

NewMama

Grammie, I understand where you are coming from. However, not all DILs fail to understand this. I had a wonderful relationship with my GPs and just recently lost them both. I'd love more than anything for my son to appreciate his the way I did mine.

I bent over backward trying to include my MIL during pregnancy and since my son was born.  And have spent the last 8 months biting my tongue for the sake of my son and DH. I smile and am pleasant to a woman that's critical, physically forces my child away from me, and doesn't treat me with any amount of respect. She's sneaky enough to keep all of that out of DH's sight and hearing. This is my MIL. I don't believe all MILs are like that. I ended up here trying to find a way to rectify it. Some of us DILs do try very very hard.

Footloose

New Mamma,

Wouldn't it be great if the bad MILs and DILs were matched?  Then the Good ones could be matched too and we would see people get relationships they deserve!  Please do not put yourself into the category of those we MILS have major issue with!  It sounds like you are one of the many good ones!  I am sorry if you took my comments as intended for all DILS. 

No matter what we do, good or bad, we are at the mercy of the new family rules, right or wrong.  We either accept or walk away, depending on how much either party (especially the good ones) can handle.

Pleaase know that your perspective and input is so valuable!  We all must understand the different vantage point!

Thanks for being here and helping us learn to better get along!

Hugs!

Grammie

Well said Footloose!  New Mama,  You sound like a wonderful young woman and I didn't mean to put imply that you and my DIL are one in the same. However people have different perspectives and there are two sides to every story. My DIL could have written your last paragraph!  I thought she was wonderful in the beginning but she started to change after her daughter was born.  Two years ago OS told us that he wanted us to raise his children if he/DIL were to die. DIL disagreed when he presented her with that option.  Now OS is not speaking to us and we are not allowed to see our GC.  They insist that we have changed and they have concerns about their children being in our care.  This statement came one month after asking us to care for the children for 5 days so they could go on vacation.  Have you tried sitting down and discussing your concerns with your MIL or are you holding your tongue waiting for her to change?  During an all out fight is not the time to bring up imperfections in your relationship.  The comments could cause hurts that can never be overcome.  It seems that my DIL had issues with me but never said a word.  She smiled, sent lovely Thank You cards and made me believe that we had a wonderful relationship while the hate festered.   I stepped out of line one time and she turned on me with a vengeance.  We tried to talk to OS/DIL and I was floored by the level of her disdain for me.  She was rude and disrespectful then went home and cried for two hours over our perceived treatment of her.  Our son tried to talk to her and explain our point of view and she accused him of taking our side.  How do you deal with someone who is so unreasonable, uncaring and uncompromising!  My MIL also made comments over the years that were hurtful but I bit my tongue and did as you are doing.  She is 84 years old and still makes a snide comment from time to time.  That is just who she is.  I don't necessarily like her but I love her son so she is and always has been a part of our lives.  I am not a mean person.  I bend over backwards to keep peace.  I have driven a school bus for 17 years so how bad can I be?  I know where the problem is in my family but that is of little comfort as I am on the outside of my once close family.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~

Scoop

Ah but Footloose, I believe that it's the bad combination of DIL & MIL that make our relationships so hard.  I don't there is such thing as 100% Good DIL / 100% Bad DIL or 100% Good MIL / 100% Bad MIL. 

For example, my Aunt.  I love her dearly, but I'm glad she's not my MIL, she can be controlling and so can I - not a good combination.  Luckily, she has a VERY understanding / easy-going DIL, who brings the kids to visit for days, without her DH (my cousin).

Or for example, on this board, one of the posters here and I have had some disagreements.  Obviously, I would be an Evil-DIL to her.  Sometimes there are people that you just can't get along with.  It happens and it's really sucky when it's someone in your family.  So in this particular case, I've stopped responding to her posts, so as not to stir the pot.  To me, this is the same as what I've done with my MIL.  I've pulled way back, in the realization that I can't just 'get along' with her.  No amount of discussion will make my MIL realize how I feel like I've been treated for the past 15 years.  She would not 'get it', she would mis-remember things that were said that hurt me deeply.  I think the chasm is just too wide for us.

SCW

Quote from: Scoop on July 24, 2012, 09:53:15 AM
To me, this is the same as what I've done with my MIL.  I've pulled way back, in the realization that I can't just 'get along' with her.  No amount of discussion will make my MIL realize how I feel like I've been treated for the past 15 years.  She would not 'get it', she would mis-remember things that were said that hurt me deeply.  I think the chasm is just too wide for us.

Scoop, I could have written that with 20 years!

Grammie,
I feel your pain and I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.
I read your last post a few times and one thing kept striking me.  You said the OS/DIL asked you to care for GC while they went on vacation, and a month later they decided you had changed.  Is it possible something happened during the 5 days you had GC, something they might not have agreed with, or approved of?  Could GC have said something to their parents that was misconstrued?

I just wonder if this were the case, could it be resolved?
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.
Junvenal