Death of a Mother in Law

[Prissy]

Thank you so much. I am really trying. I've come a long way too. I no longer burden my friends with this.  I look back and don't know how they could stand it. Constantly in tears, constantly confused.

I do owe myself more and I am trying.  I have made that much progress.

[luise.volta]

What a beautiful exchange. Lovely...

[SunnyDays09]

Thank you so much. I am really trying. I've come a long way too. I no longer burden my friends with this.  I look back and don't know how they could stand it. Constantly in tears, constantly confused.

I do owe myself more and I am trying.  I have made that much progress.

That is exactly what I was feeling along with "what did I do"??!!  I always blamed myself.  Tried a little harder, or not as hard.  Not sure if this was a day for bad stuff to happen or not. 
   I was always trying to keep the peace.  To please.  To make them comfortable at my expense.  Whatever they wanted or needed.  I was there to help them. 
   It was very much like I have read in households where the children grow up in the fear of alcoholic parents.  Never knowing what or when the switch was thrown to have the troubled parent react.   Not that the DIL scream, throw things, etc.  But it's that moment of silence that you dread for fear of the unknown.
   And to know this is a woman our sons have chosen to love.  If they feel fine with this, then I feel fine walking away from all the messy mean and not looking back. 
    Hope things improve Prissy.  I do know. 

[Prissy]

I'm going to really try to look at all this and learn. I've tried to read the Codependent books because I know I am that....but I can't seem to concentrate on it. I'll try.

Thanks for all this information. I know it would help. 

[luise.volta]

What a lovely visualization. I am going to put it to work in my spiritual practice. Thanks! 

It is the next morning, now, and I wanted to report how easy the process is and how rewarding. Thank you so much for passing this information on. It is easy for some of us to drown in self-help books...there are so many to wade through. Millions?  

I can do something simple like this and use it to heal. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

[Prissy]

I have to try something....thank you Alicev for ideas on what to do.  It seems like a counselor told me once to do this kind of thing.  She also said that no child (me) should ever have to go thru what I did as a child.

It's funny; I did pretty well until she came into my life. I have really "had" it with counselors since the last one I went to said: "no, your son does not love you! You can't talk to or allow anyone to talk to your Mother like that if you love your Mother"

I'm tired of paying money to someone else when I am innocent!  I'm not guilty of anything except loving my kids.

That's why I think this exercise will be good for me.  Thank you!!!

Luise! Your pluses are getting off the chart! I'm filled with envy! 

[Prissy]

Lostone,
I wanted to thank you for your kind words to me.  I want to change your name to "Highstone" because you are trying to take the high road in your challenges and I admire you!!

[luise.volta]

Beautiful! Thank you again!

My husband will be 98 years old in October and there is such a sense of peace in his demeanor. He doesn't say much about it but everyone who is around him senses that he is "vertically connected" and in some sort of state of Grace. What a teacher! He smiles and says life for him is a Near Death Experience because death can't help but be near.

His memory is bad and his hearing and sight are impaired but he takes the dog for several long walks every day, keeps the kitchen neat and tidy, (I haven't washed a dish in the 20 years we have been together), makes his own bed...etc. No walker or cane for him but he moves slowly and carefully. We still converse easily and comfortably and he helps me daily with my question and answer website; http://www.MomResponds.com .

Talk about acceptance...

[SunnyDays09]

  I was reading her poster name as lost one! duh. 

[SunnyDays09]

I am a recovering codependent myself. And it took me a long way to even understand what was wrong with me. I knew it was something because I didn't feel right to myself, I just couldn't pinpoint at what was wrong. Anyways, through my trials and tribulations I finally came to the term codependency and I immediately recognised that this was me. There is lots of literature out there of this topic, what has worked for me most, are books by Melody Beattie. Her book "Codependent No More" literally saved my life. Ever since I have read through many of her books and step by step with practicing the principles of healing, I have found peace in my life.

  I have that book around here somewhere...or did I let someone borrow it? 
  I found it to be quite helpful when dealing with issues of my parent's alcoholism and that of my son's as well.

Along with many, many private counseling sessions with a fabulous therapist!
   Information is out there and will only help if you are willing to put the measures to work.
  I am so happy for you, alicev.  ((((hugs))))

[Prissy]

To give you an idea of how codependent I am, I was at a funeral Friday, sadly, when I noticed a friend, who was going to sing at the service.

She was sitting alone.  I went to her and said: "I feel responsible for you sitting alone.  I feel like I should sit with you". (this was before the service started)

She knows me very well and smiled, "you're not responsible for me sitting alone" (she's about 15 years younger than I am)

I said, "when did you learn that you are not responsible for everything?"

She said, "about 2 years ago!!!!"

This must be a new phenomenon.

[just2baccepted]

Prissy - How would you define a co-dependent?  I've heard that term many times before.  I wonder if my MIL could be this. 

My MIL chronically tries to make my husband and SIL bring her her happiness and socialization, but they don't want to.  I think because she has smothered them for many years.  I've seen the links she's gone to get her children/grandchild to give her attention and to keep it.

[Prissy]

Gosh, you got me there....I think it's when you're constantly trying to please everyone around you?  Is that it?

[Prissy]

and, that you're not happy unless everyone else is happy? 

[luise.volta]

Anybody got a working definition?