Death of a Mother in Law

[Alicev]

AnnieB-

I don't think I can sit in silence any longer and listen to the way she talks to him and to my grandson.

I don't think you should. You have a right to express your feelings, when she says the mean things to your son in your presence. The way you put it (how you thought you should have done in the begining) is very assertive and clear. It is not too late to say it. There is nothing that stops you from saying it now.

Taking the child and going to Turkey is overreaction. But I hope being in her home country will bring her some peace of mind and joy and she will be able to come back well rested and not so critical of your son.

[AnnieB]

Unfortunately, I can't talk to her because she won't listen (3,914 miles away).

I can wait until they work it out. There are other things I can do with my life right now...   

[just2baccepted]

I really do believe that sometimes there are people out there that are looking for the smallest excuse to not like someone.  I know that has happened to me a few times.  Like with my FIL, I'm sure that he was looking for a reason not to like me because I "invaded" his perfect home and took away his son.  One day I wanted to leave their house early and it took him a year to get over that.  he would just turn his back to me if  I walked in the  house or something.  And then another example of this would be one of my coworkers who I've always gotton along with great.  She's 26 still living at home, doesn't like her job anymore and can't get her boyfriend to purpose.  She sees me as someone who is happily married, knows I like my job and has my own home.  Well about three months ago she started acting like she couldn't stand the sight of me and also snaps at me for minor things and she won't talk to me like she used to.  My husband thinks its just female competition and jealously.  But it still hurts.  The point is if someone wants to not like you then they are going to be constantly looking for reasons to not like you and try to push you out of their life.  That's just my opinion.

[Prissy]

I've seen this happen, Just2beaccepted, many times in my life.  Your co-worker is jealous of all you have, clearly.

When I hear the term, "because I took away his son", it infuriates me.  That's what my DIL said to me, that I was mad because she stole my little boy.

Such a strange thing to say, since she was like butter when we first met her. "Mom and Dad", she called us.  Now, because I was devastated that she came into this town, never called to let us at least speak to our Grandchildren, I said, "that hurt my feelings".

We are not supposed to react.  We're supposed to deal with whatever hit she sends.  Her actions are not the same as your co-worker's and neither are ours.

We're not picking on her because she took our little boy. We're heartbroken that she took our love we freely gave and threw it away. Someday, her sons will bring home a girl, totally different from her or, maybe exactly like her and my goodness, what a nightmare she will have on her hands.

I am being vindictive here but I do hope I live to see that day. Long live vindictiveness...sometimes it's all we have left.

[AnnieB]

It seems revealing when someone says they "took away" someone.  And I've heard both a MIL and a DIL make this claim (she took him away from me, or she's mad because I took him away).  This isn't a competition, or shouldn't be.  There should be enough love to go around..

I'd like to come up with a list of things to tell daughter in laws (I started one and have it posted elsewhere, but I would add this to it).. In my view, you aren't taking my son away, you're expanding the family.   Welcome to ours, I hope we're welcome to yours...

or something like that...

...of course, in the back of my head, that irritating poem keeps resonating-- A daughter's a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son til he takes him a wife....

[luise.volta]

I honestly believe that when we feel that all we have left are the feelings of vindictiveness and the need for revenge that they are pretty natural and temporary feelings. If and when we get stuck in those feelings, I think we are shutting out other feelings that could be more supportive and nurturing for us. We don't hurt others when we are negative, we hurt ourselves.

For me at least, the bottom line is love. I felt deep and abiding love for my son who turned from me in his teens and who passed on in his fifties still agreeing with his wife that I was the Wicked Witch of the West. Love not returned or valued is still pure and untainted. We are mothers. We are love. What others decide to do with that is about them, not us. We gave it our best shot with no guarantees and we would do it again.

[Prissy]

Well, you're right, of course, Luise and your point is well taken.  I need to work on not falling into this. 

We (mil's) are not afforded the right to get mad. We should know it's only a double hurt for us.  I hope I can be above (them) oneday and not stoop to writing on boards about even so much as our breathing.  What they say about us is bad, really bad. We try to explain ourselves and are pounced upon like we're dirt by them on these sites. I try not to read them but am drawn to them like a moth to a flame.  This is our only refuge.

I don't understand it. I never will. "A daughter is a daughter all her life and a son, well, if you're lucky, you might have him for Thanksgiving once in awhile if his wife will let him come."

[luise.volta]

Being drawn to the boards that trash MILs "like a moth," Beloved Prissy, keeps you raw and bleeding. Why would you do that? It's an abusive place and you go there voluntarily? 

If there was a physical place that tortured people...would you go there to get beaten up? Would you be attracted to a sign at the entrance that said, "Come one - come all! We will hurt your feelings, smash your pride, kill your love so freely given and destroy your self-confidence. Come on in and join us. We guarantee we will trash you and reduce you to rubble!"

Can anyone help me with this? What's the drawing card and how can something so terrible as a website that blasts MILs, draw anyone "like a moth?" Where's the appeal?

I want, we want peace and joy for you, Prissy and for everyone who knows your pain.

[AnnieB]

I think before finding this place, I kept going there because I wanted to try to convince others that I was not one of the "bad" MIL's.    It's something for me about trying to persuade others that I am good, which probably comes from having a hard time accepting that it's OK to also be "bad" i.e., make mistakes  == because that's human.   

My conclusion is that there is a level of growth for many (not all) of the DIL's who have yet to realize they, too, are going to make mistakes, that every MIL is human, etc. etc.   It's pouring salt on open wounds to go there as they cannot yet see - words words words will not convince them.

I have put a link to here on my MIL blog and another MIL article I have that gets traffic.  They also have links to some of the other sites and I am very pleased to note that many more visitors are coming here ..not that I have a lot... but... I hope more MIL's end up here and stay away from the hate.

This is a much needed site - I think you will find more MIL traffic and eventually your administrators will be busy filtering off the negative visitors we may get -- (I do hope we do not have to find ourselves defending ourselves in here -- it's such a lovely place to rest and talk and listen!)


What one has not experienced, one will never understand in print.
Isadora Duncan

[Prissy]

At first, I went there to tell my story to anonymous people.  They made fun of me, called me names, humiliated me beyond belief.

Then, I went there to try to understand what I'd done wrong, to listen to their complaints and try to not make those mistakes myself. 

Now, I peek inside to see what they are saying: "can you believe this drama queen?  She has zero boundaries and calls my husband on his cell phone. She knows I don't like asparagus and the narcissistic freak serves it anyway.  I've talked to DH (their husband's) and told him that it's his faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily and I'm not going over there anymore for their craptaculars. He's beginning to see her for who she is.  It's not my fault; he has his own mind and he's made it up. They are going to blame me but this is his decision."

[just2baccepted]

I'm sorry if it bothers some that I think my MIL and FIL feel like I stole their son away.  And actually everyone doesn't know my whole story yet.  Maybe I need to take to time to tell my story.  But I NEVER went into my marriage thinking I would be competing with his family.  They made me feel unwelcome and tried to put blame on me for stupid stuff.  THey were just looking for reason to hate me.  I realize that now.  MY MIL and FIL both decided probably before then even met me that I was going to be the one to split family up.  I know that I'm not only one who has gone through this.  So yes I'm sure that MIL thinks I stole her baby from her.

[AnnieB]

I'm sorry if it bothers some that I think my MIL and FIL feel like I stole their son away..... So yes I'm sure that MIL thinks I stole her baby from her.

I think i'm the one who made a comment about people who say someone stole their child away --- but I think you misread what I said (or I miswrote what I said, lol).  If you re-read it, I think you'll see that I wasn't bothered by what you said I was commenting on what Prissy's DIL said about her

Your comment was clear - -you didn't say you took away their son, you implied that was what your FIL's was thinking about you.... I could add that phrase to a list of things MIL's (and FIL's) could drop from their vocabulary, as well as things DIL's don't need to say.

But I wasn't even thinking that it applied to you.

[luise.volta]

To me, the idea of being negatively pre-judged is a very difficult thing to deal with. For others to make up their minds that you are some kind of an evil-stereotype before you're even introduced is the worst kind of abuse.

It happened to me when I married twenty years ago. My step son and step DIL did that. I was, (because I was 16 years younger), obviously a gold digger. I have no idea how they got that going since my husband had very little....but they started right out rude, cold and rejecting. My sons and their wives, in comparison, took the time to get acquainted and treated my husband with the warmth and respect he deserved. A huge contrast.

[just2baccepted]

I understand, thank you. Annie  I just realize that since I'm a DIL with MIL problems some may not feel comfortable with me being on here.  I just want to understand how MIL and FIL feel and boy have I learned a lot by reading these posts.  It makes me want to be a better daughter and take a second look at how I been handling the situation with my MIL and FIL.

[Prissy]

No, we want you here, Just2be.  We are not like the other sites who bash each other and try to make the poster feel like an idiot for speaking.

We are travelers too. We have things to learn and you and Sassy could help us.

I, for one, am genuinely trying to understand why all this happened.  I want the truth so I don't have to repeat them.

I still don't know why they threw me away.  Am I like your Mother, AnnieB?  I hope not.  I can't even think of anything my Mother could have done to make me throw her away or distance myself from her.

But in learning, maybe I have some of those traits. I have had a sad, bad childhood.  Maybe it colored my way of being that caused son to reject me.