What to do now????

[Eva]

But the McDonald's pie is going over the top, unless... you were sending them home.. but to eat one at the restaurant and have to carry that burden for the remainder of the day won't help with this matter either.
--------------------------------------------
son told girls they can not eat it,  they have meal loaf at home waiting for them,
that they have to share...so we bought 2 more apple pies so they carry that home with them
------------------------------------------

Eva.. I can't help but to wonder, why would your son want to come for a visit at all if he did not want to see you on his wedding day?  Was there a change of heart, was he just an innocent victim at his own wedding.. I'm confused but and asking personal questions that you may not care to answer... either way it looks like this will remain sticky for some time to come.
------------------------------
Laurie we went to family catholic services together
as son was abuser and report him
to talk about molestation of his daughter by her son,
and about my son spanking (beating granddaughter)
since I report  him he did not beat girls as he is afraid to loose 50/50 custody
catholic services support me and my husband for visit 1X monthly
at their place or son's choice of place -
Mc Donald, library, park, play ground, ZOO f
just interaction with girls to make them f
eel special

so instead see girls after 14 month 27-28 December son came alone,
first accept 2 gifts, them refuse to accept them..
b/c for his wife and her kids it was ONLY FOOD basket of goodies-
chocolates, bubblegum, candies, fruit cans, cookies, cooffe, honey, tea
everything 4X times for 4 kids
bottle of whiskey value of the basket was over $100

then  son visit us January 2 at Mc Donald
both girls were so happy, take their gifts from us personally,
(at home their step mother divide their gifts in half)

at Mc Donald son promise to bring girls for husband celebration
as I invited his new wife and 2 kids to come too...

[luise.volta]

It may be time to step back and re-read these posts without getting defensive, if you can. There's wisdom here, to my way of thinking. Let it sink in a bit. OK?

[Pooh]

I think these are great positive steps.  Son called, Son is coming.

Pooh not so positive
Son coming alone, 2 granddaughters age 6 and 4 are not coming..

Baby steps.  One small step at a time.   It didn't fall apart overnight, so it will not mend overnight.

[LaurieS]

I'm not sure how you feel anyone is becoming defensive.. I asked a question for clarification and Eva was calmly answering.  I don't see a problem here unless I'm dense.

[luise.volta]

It was pretty subjective...it felt to me like Eva was feeling cornered and was more into explaining than listening. I could be way off base. (I do that.)

[LaurieS]

It was pretty subjective...it felt to me like Eva was feeling cornered and was more into explaining than listening. I could be way off base. (I do that.)

She was explaining Luise.. I had asked her to

[Eva]

Louise thank you
you know me by now, I am OK
I am listening and negative here give me some heart and soul searching
where did I make mistake
and what if...
what if ...

at Mc Donald son seem that he wanted close this chapter,
for beginning he did asked me to start calling his new wife 1-2x monthly,
just talk to her..
I was not sure about that, my intuitions tell me it was not right
like you see a red flag saying STOP do no go there!
as we could have access to girls only pleasing DIL and her 2 kids first

now after what they both did, son and DIL,
make him very sad..on his birthday
I see that as MANIPULATION, DIL want us to feel guilty that we did wrong to her

so negative here is probably how DIL must feel
going there is going into  wrong direction, not baby steps
as I do not want to be manipulated,
all I want to see is my son is happy and
that we have access to our 2granddaughters to see them regularly
so they do not feel that we abandoned them
1X monthly for couple of hours or for one afternoon
that is all what we want from our son
that is baby step in right direction for us,
if DIL come or son bring his 2 stepkids with them is OK with us..

my feeling
inviting DIL and her kids for husband 60 celebration was first step
inviting whole family as we do accept them,
her reaction is like she slap my husband in his face..
you could say NO politely not to bring past with you..

Thank you all for all for your  feedback
cake decoration is waiting for me and it would be success
all my emotions I would put into it

[luise.volta]

I know...I know...this is really hard! Sending love...in all directions!

[Eva]

I need a feedback from you

Sorry but it is standard procedure that if there are 4 children in a household, then 4 gifts are given and 4 treats are given.  To give to some and not others is being mean to children.  And being mean to children will never, ever ingratiate you to their mother.
-------------------------------
what did I do wrong?
I did asked my son last Christmas (not this one -13 month ago)
what they want for their kids
as we just gave on Dec 5, St-Nicolas goodies to all 4 kids
(it is in our tradition, we gave 4 packages)

son answer was -"nothing for little ones, they have all they need,
not toys, not clothes they don't need nothing
but if you want you could buy cross countries skies and boots for 2 older ones.."

so by standard procedure
son and DIL were mean to our 2 granddaughters right?
and it was hurtful answer?
to prefer her kids over son kids?

congesting to us we do buy presents for DIL 2children from previous marriage
and gave NOTHING to our own flesh and blood was wrong from DIL....

past year we ended up buying presents for all 4 kids-
no thank you,nothing, non communication from son or DIL
b/c we did not fulfill DIL"s wish and did not bought skies and boots
as we suppose to do..

[luise.volta]

She's a sweetie, you gotta give her that! 

[Pooh]

I think they put you in a no win situation.  Yes, I agree that if you buy for one child, you buy for all in a blended family.  But they were wrong to ask you to just buy for the older two.  You were right to buy something for all of them.  But if they didn't appreciate it, it's still not the children's fault and if I was going to buy, I would still buy for all of them. 

Also, I don't blame DIL only.  It was both of them.  If your Son asked you to only buy for the oldest, then he was wrong for asking too.  Even if it was at the DILs request, he obviously went along with it by asking you himself.  And you said you didn't receive thanks from either of them.

So I think both of them are showing disrespect.  I truly hope your celebration works out great!

[LaurieS]

There is a possibility that you will forever be judged on every move you make.  This little battle could go on forever and only adding anger at each turn.  I personally would stop buying gifts if that is what it would take.  While someone could stop your grandchild from accepting a gift, they certainly can not dictate to you to give a gift, especially if they only expected you to give to the two children that are not related and pass on your own grandkids.  No matter how they feel things should be divvied up if you don't give the gift then there is nothing to fight over.

We've talked about savings accounts before and this might be a great place to start.  Open an account, earmarked for their future.  Specify it in your will that this will go to the children after they reach a legal age. You sure don't need to tell your son or his wife about the account.  Smile each time you put money in and know that you are actually helping your grand children's futures.  This has to be more positive then having your grandkids watching all the adults fight more over toys then kids do. 

[Eva]

Laurie no we do not want that
had son asked us to buy cross country skies for all 4 kids-
we would gladly do that, take small kids shopping with us,
find good size shoes for them would be pleasure..

thank you about bank account # advise
I would do some treasure jewelry box for both girls, gold, silver, coins
plus I would write a little note what I do remember about them
since they were born, plus picture from that day
as we have lots of picture from day one in hospital

after son's wedding, me not being invited
we did changed our will,
our oldest son ( girls godfather) would be girls trustee
making sure about college fund and support,
that son's share of money are going into their hands
and nothing from our estate (if we die) would go to son,
his new wife and her 2kids, also any newborn baby to our son would be out
as we would not press for contact with that new baby..

son does not know about changed will yet

so fare his share was 1/4 from all our assets ($270 000-300 000)

[luise.volta]

Sounds like you are using your heads and doing the best you can. It's so complex and hurtful.  Sending love...

[Pen]

OK, I'm still stuck on the fact that Eva wasn't invited to the wedding.

And yet she's supposed to be welcoming to DIL and treat everyone graciously?

And DH is the one in trouble for giving a bad toast?

The first volley was fired by DIL, as far as I can tell. Please correct me if I'm wrong.