Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

[overwhelmed123]

I probably should have expanded on my point.  They were very adamant to me before we got married that they wanted to be able to invite their friends, since their first DIL did not allow them any guests at the wedding.  Even when they offered to pay for the people they wanted there at his 1st wedding, the DIL refused.  So they were adamant that they get to have their friends there at our wedding.  I mean I think GMIL said to me at one point, "Oh boy, we get to invite who we want to this one!"  There were people they asked us to invite that I did not even know, and DH had not ever met before.  I didn't invite them there for me or my H.  I invited them there because MIL asked us to, and we gave her half the guest list. 

Also, I actually took some of MY college friends off the list to accommodate her friends and extended (definition: very distant) family.  No, it wasn't for me and my H.  That was solely for her and her family so that they could "get to" invite their friends.

I think my point is that my family shelled out tens of thousands of dollars- yes, for my family too, but also for her family and friends to have a good time.  They didn't ask for a contribution and his family didn't offer.  So, honestly, yes, I think a "thank you" was warranted since we let them invite their own friends that THEY wanted to share the day with. 

If everything about the wedding was ONLY about me and my H, more than half the people she invited would not have been on the list and we wouldn't have paid for them, because we didn't even know them.  We will probably never see them again.  They are not relevant to our lives, were certainly not relevant to our wedding, and I feel like my mom and I (we were the ones to plan, budget, and coordinate) were very generous in giving her the amount of people that we did and not asking for anything in return.  Okay, I'm sorry, I take that back.  Obviously I am asking for a "thank you" in return.  I didn't know these people and some of them didn't even make an effort to introduce themselves to me.  My H had to ask, "Who??" when he saw some of the people's names.  But MIL just had to have them at our wedding, knowing it would be on my parents' dime.  Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I don't feel like I am.  I felt like my parents were taken advantage of, and I felt like if it were me, I would have soooo graciously thanked the people who paid for MY guests and MY friends to come eat a free meal and drink unlimited drinks all night. 

[overwhelmed123]

Did I sound too harsh there?  I hope not.  I just felt like...I literally gave her free reign of a guest list.  It wasn't DH and me inviting her family and the people in it we were close to.  It was her list to invite people she wanted there- DH and I were hoping it would be only people who would be a part of our lives, but that's not what it ended up being.  And she certainly made sure she took every spot she was offered to take full advantage of the situation.  Just a simple, "Thank you so much for allowing me to invite my friends to this, it meant a lot to me," would have gone a long way.  I hope I haven't offended you.  I get the feeling maybe this isn't how your son's wedding went?  Did they do the inviting or did they give you your own "guest list" to write?  I went out of my way to make sure it was "fair" for everyone since they had so many complaints about his 1st wedding being "unfair."  Yes, it was definitely "fair" in every aspect except who paid for it.  Which I wouldn't have a problem with if I felt like it was at all appreciated.

Of course, all of this probably stems from the fact that my ILs think my parents just have all the money in the world to throw around at whatever they want so they probably saw it as something they were owed since my parents could afford it and they couldn't.  They are very judgmental about my parents and their lifestyle.  Wow, as I'm typing this all I'm realizing why I felt so sensitive to no thank you.  It wasn't the words, but just the showing of appreciation.  We've never gotten that from them with anything- guess when you throw in my parents' hard earned money, it becomes even more sensitive for me.

[LaurieS]

Another happy moment in life that so often turns to drama.  Tens of thousands.. wheww ok we are determinately on a tighter budget for my daughter.

I agree, that the groom's mother should have been gracious enough to have thanked the bride's family for their generosity.  Looking back now I wish that I had sent my dil's parents a 'after-the-wedding' basket.. since they worked their tail ends off.. fun or not it's still work.

[pam1]

Agh, I know how you feel OW.  I think we are sister in laws.  Does one of our brother in laws do that thing at dinner that everyone is totally repulsed by but no one is able to say anything to him? 

DH and I paid for our wedding and gave in A LOT to MIL's wishes.  It's not the $$ but it's the careless and callous behavior of an entitled person that goes along with it. 

[holliberri]

OW,

Didn't you have a receiving line for everyone to meet you? Also, I thought it was custom for the bridge and groom to go around at the reception and thank everyone for coming.  My relatives still ream me out for not spending a few minutes with them in between dancing.

I never really heard of anyone sending a thank you note to the bridge and groom or to the bride's family. I just googled it, I can't find it in on any etiquette sites. That is quite common for weddings I think, so long as the bride allows...which you did.

While it certainly would've been a thoughtful gesture, I'm not sure many other people would've done that. However, for future reference, I think I will keep that in mind for myself. It'll be an easy way to earn some brownie points.

[holliberri]

Okay, I can see your point after your second post. 

[LaurieS]

I can hear what you're saying OW... sometimes when someone is obviously financially more sound, that is taken advantage of.  We were prepared to help with the cost of my ds's wedding when it was a small intimate wedding.. but as it started to mushroom and take on a more luxury affair, I told my son that we had our concerns and limits.  When originally asked about our guest count it was implied that it was really only family and very close friends of my ds's...so that was all I gave a count for.. before long her list had grown along with the venue and the formal dinner.  That was when I stopped making cash offers.  My son asked if we could host the rehearsal dinner which dil wanted held at her grandparents house..so that was easy enough and I gladly did so.  The church was a little lopsided needless to say, but I think my dil had the wedding that she dreamed of.  We stepped up and were very generous with a gift for their new lives together.  I hope everyone was happy with the final results.. no one has really spoken about it again so I'm not sure.

[overwhelmed123]

And, holli, just to clarify, I didn't even really think they needed to put a pen to the paper and write a thank you note.  Just a "thank you" said to my parents at the reception would have appeased me if it was among one of the few things his family said to mine that night.

We didn't have a receiving line, but we did go around and socialize with everyone after dinner.  Well...everyone who was in the room when we were doing that.  It took us a longgg time but I made sure to hit everyone we could find.  Coincidentally, I think MIL's friends were congregated outside the reception room or something because I couldn't find some of them when we were thanking everyone for coming.  Well, that's partly a joke because obviously I can't speculate on what they were doing but it was hard to go looking for someone when you don't really know who they are anyway.  I promise we definitely did go around though!  MIL also made no attempt to introduce us to anyone we had missed.  I had a smile on my face the whole time we were socializing, too, even though I just wanted to go dance! 

Laurie- that was very generous of you, even rehearsal dinners aren't "mandatory" for parents to pay for these days- I definitely would have sent you a thank you note if I were your DIL!   Shoot, I even gave my MIL an out in case she didn't want to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  And yes, it just felt taken advantage of from the very beginning...ie- the smile my GMIL got on her face just assuming they could invite whoever they wanted now that OW's parents were footing the bill!  A little tact goes a long way...

[Pooh]

I have to admit, I didn't thank DILs parents for the wedding.  But since it was at my Mother's house, we did do the rehearsal dinner, and were never asked to participate in any of the plans, I didn't think about it.  And, I was hurt by the fact that her and her Mother handed out "Thank You" gifts to everyone but me and my Mother.  The bridesmaids I get...but she gave them to the servers, the women from the church that helped decorate, the catorer..everyone but us.  I didn't expect a gift, but I did think she made it obvious that she wasn't including us.  And expecially my Mom as she gave them free run of her house and grounds.

Of course, she was miffed at us for our lack of respect towards her family and friends, so I found out later.  They had a big tent in the back yard and her request for a rehearsal dinner was a cook-out.  Now mind you, she had invited about 50 people to the rehearsal so by the time we got all the sides done and into the tent, we started cooking burgers and hotdogs at the end of rehearsal (And we were not in the rehearsal as she didn't have the Moms walked down, we just sat down on our own).  Me and DH spent over an hour grilling and later I heard she was mad because we didn't come in the tent and socialize...ummm....I was a little busy.  As soon as we finished grilling, people were leaving and we sat down to eat.

And the next day, during the reception, it had turned off to 40 degrees with a wind chill of 30.  When we arrived in the tent, all the tables were full, so me and DH, my Mother, my best friend and YS went in the house to eat.  Once we were done, we came out to the tent and stood around watching the cake cutting, socializing and everything.  We spent the rest of the reception in there, but she said later we didn't eat in there because we didn't want to be around her and her family.

Now, the admittance part.  No, I was not overly friendly at the rehearsal or wedding except to my side and friends, because my Ex was there with his new girl and all her family were around them.  This was the first time that my Mother and real Father had been in the same place in 40 years, so I was a little anxious and watching them most of the time in case I had to usher someone out.  This was my Son's worst nightmare that something would happen, so I had made him a promise that I would take care of anything.  So I was not rude, but I was not overly friendly.

Now hindsight.  I could have probably hired or talked someone into grilling during the rehearsal dinner if I would have known she would have felt that way.  I guess we could have stood and ate in the tent during the reception.  But I couldn't do more than I did about being friendly to my Ex and his family.  This was just 4 months after our divorce and the first time I had been in the same place with him since he walked out.  And I will never be interested in talking to the "other woman".  The best I could do was be civil and respectful.

[holliberri]

In my book, Pooh...there should've been enough chairs for you. Just sayin'.

[LaurieS]

But I couldn't do more than I did about being friendly to my Ex and his family.  This was just 4 months after our divorce and the first time I had been in the same place with him since he walked out.  And I will never be interested in talking to the "other woman".  The best I could do was be civil and respectful.

How did you keep from using the cake knife to slit his throat.  Only 4 months that would have been tough.

And your mother should have been singled out and thanked for opening up her home to everyone.

[stilltryen]

overwhelmed, yeah, a bit of background helped.  I think I would have said to your IL's, you are more than welcome to invite anyone you want, up to XX amount of guests.  Period.  We got to invite 50 guests, her parents invited 50 guests and DIL & DS invted 50 guests.  I couldn't even invite more if I wanted to pay for them, the venue would only accomodate 150, so that was the end of the subject.  There were no hard feelings about someone inviting more.  So your MIL could have invited anyone!  Just no more than XX.

Oh, and by the way, I hand-addressed all the invites, I did other things to help with the wedding, we pitched in about $20 grand for the wedding, I took care of setting up the rehearsal dinner AND invited all their out of town guests (her family all lives on the opposite coast, so there were about 50-60 people at the rehearsal dinner (16 being our family and the bridal party), I sent out all the announcements paying the postage for them, etc., etc.  At the rehearsal dinner, my DIL gave out gifts to the bridal party and her parents, thanking them for everything they'd done.  DH and I got nothing, and it was actually embarrassing with everyone sitting there thinking we weren't being thanked because we'd done nothing.  That was the impression left with her family.  And yes, my DS got an earful later on!!

[pam1]

I have a question, now where are all the DS's and DH's in this?

My DH had definite plans and opinions of what he wanted to do with our wedding.  This was no Brides day and way only.  In fact, I think he was even more interested in a lot of the stuff than me.  But I digress...

When we are going on and on about what the other woman did or did not do (MIL or DIL here) I can't but help wonder why the DS didn't get his parents a gift.  Seems a heck of a lot more cold that the actual child didn't pay attention.

[stilltryen]

Geez Pooh, we were writing the same thing at the same time - I read your lines, "And, I was hurt by the fact that her and her Mother handed out "Thank You" gifts to everyone but me and my Mother." and I had just written almost the same thing.  Depressing, huh?  Yeah, it's too bad we can see things so clearly in hindsight that we should have anticipated, but didn't.  Sometimes you think you've covered all the bases, only to find that, oops!  Something got missed.

[Pooh]

Holli, to give them their due on the chairs thing, my parents have full wrap-a-round porches and the weather had been gorgeous.  There was seating outside.  It turned off cold and I don't think they had a plan B, so everything got crowded into the tent with heaters.  The way her family and my Ex's were sitting, I would have had to sit with them or right up against them. 

Laurie, it wasn't easy because I sure wanted to.  The only saving grace was I looked fabulous, while "new girl" looked horrible!     And yes, my Mother should have been thanked.  I did have words with her MOH earlier in the day when she came out of my Mother's bedroom and ordered my Mother to fix DIL something to eat.  I very politely explained that I would be happy to fix her something, but only if she understood that ordering my Mother around in her own home was a no-no.  So I am sure she went back and told DIL that too...Lol.

As soon as I read yours stilltryen, I was like...Yeah! That!  I didn't want a gift or even a public thank you, but when you are going around the room handing out gifts to everyone and exclaiming how you couldn't have done it without them...then yes, I felt we were purposefully snubbed.