Author Topic: Need help on how to act  (Read 3381 times)

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barelythere

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Need help on how to act
« on: October 07, 2010, 08:50:47 PM »
Dil called and they want to meet us for dinner for my Birthday tomorrow night.  I don't know why they are doing this except they do remember us on our birthdays and for that, I'm grateful.  I don't know where we stand with them. 

Husband in the hospital and they don't come by or check on him?  (this was this past summer)

Granddaughter who I practically raised and who loved me so much is now a 13 year old who doesn't seem to want to be with me. You know the Facebook thing and when I go to watch her games, she won't look at me.  She's a sweet girl, don't get me wrong.  The other ones are younger and do want me, though. 

The last time we saw our son, he was angry in his demeanor, even my husband noticed it (he never thinks anything is aimed at him or me, just that our son has a problem.)  Tonight when DIL called, I could hear him in the background all happy, talking to the kids.  So he's doing fine.  He meant all that hatred stuff toward us.  This guy was the most loving guy before his marriage and even up until several years ago. Seems like he'd like to shove us aside now.  They go for the richest people in town, more their style....they are really impressed with money.  They are rolling in it themselves but they do like to associate with others like them.

DIL is being nice now. In the past she has wanted something but this time, there's nothing to get so why do I feel scared about how I will be?  I guess when people have treated you bad in the past, it does scare you. 

I think my concept of a family is not what theirs is.  My son wasn't raised like that at all.  He had such a love for family.  He no longer does.  Not even for his brother.  He's become so self-centered. I'm beginning to wonder if he always was.

So, please help me know how to act when we meet?   I'm feeling very insecure and I'm not insecure normally. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2010, 08:57:37 PM »
All I can think of is to enjoy yourself without setting yourself up. By that I mean, don't count on it being more or meaning more that it does to them...and appreciate what comes your way. I hope you have a wonderful time!  ;D Sending love...
« Last Edit: October 07, 2010, 09:38:36 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2010, 09:08:16 PM »
All I can think of is to enjoy yourself without setting yourself up. By that i mean, don't count on it being more or meaning more that it does to them...and appreciate what comes your way. I hope you have a wonderful time!  ;D Sending love...

Thank you...I'm always hoping it's going to be great but it never is what I was hoping for.  I'm looking for a close family unit like I always dreamed and like I see all around me and it never is.  To me, when you're not there for your family, it's not a family.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2010, 09:41:21 PM »
Yes, that's what trips us all up, our expectations. In a perfect they would all be met. We deserve that but more often than not, we don't get our hopes and dreams fulfilled. It's terribly hard. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2010, 10:02:10 PM »
Happy Birthday BT
I would accept the step forward that your family is making.  I hope you and your husband have a great time.  Be sure to take your camera, might be a good opportunity to get one or two pictures with your grandkids.

Thank you...I'm always hoping it's going to be great but it never is what I was hoping for.  I'm looking for a close family unit like I always dreamed and like I see all around me and it never is.  To me, when you're not there for your family, it's not a family.

Right now your family doesn't resemble the picture perfect Rockwell and that's ok.. it's your family... I'll bet if you sat in with some of those perfect families you see, you might be surprised to find what skeletons are in their closets. 

Go, enjoy the evening, you and your family deserves it.

Thank you, Laurie!  I guess I only see the perfectly happy families and not the skeletons.  :'(

Offline Nana

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2010, 10:25:56 PM »
Barely there.  Have a Happy day.  You have aprehension because of what has happened in the past.  But relax.....this could be good.  They want to see you (specially son)  so enjoy it.  Dont be nervous....everything will be just fine. 

Please let us know....how it go.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pen

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2010, 11:49:45 PM »
Happy Birthday, dear BT...I understand how you feel. The WW are right - try to relax and enjoy being with your family on your special day!

Here's a little trick - think of Queen Elizabeth. Seriously! Picture yourself as a benevolent queen, with the power to forgive others and to reward them with knighthoods or whatever. You don't have to say anything out loud, just think it to yourself. Hold your head up, but not obnoxiously so, just graciously and a bit regally. You don't have to overdo it because you know you are the Queen! Smile that Queen Elizabeth bemused smile. Picture yourself knighting those who would otherwise treat you unpleasantly, because you have the power of forgiveness. Smile some more. Tilt your head just so and listen to the conversation going on around you, nodding appropriately and picturing yourself with a crown on your head. Hey, it works for me. Oh, and I try to get a mani/pedi/hair app't before the big event if I can possibly swing it, and I make sure I wear something that reminds me to "Queen Up" although a real crown is probably pushing it :) When in doubt, lean over and sneak some food to your pretend Corgis (not really.)

Have a wonderful time!!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2010, 04:03:50 AM »
 ;D  I'm smiling at Pen's suggestion....good one Pen...

Happy Happy Birthday Girl....

You are Queen for a day, and it's going to be a lovely day....why not, it's the day y ou were born....so, go and have a wonderful time....you are Queen Lizzy....LOL and it's great that the kids invited you out for a dinner....will be thinking about you and sending lots of love....be happy and have a really great day....

Creme

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2010, 04:38:32 AM »
Happy Birthday BT!
I'd be yourself...enjoy yourself, don't let them feel your fear. Take this as a stretch of communication (which is better than none)
You are stronger, wiser and you see the truth...keep that in the back of your mind, but enjoy your day and the dinner. It will be o.k. You will get through it in flying colors.
SMILE :)

barelythere

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2010, 06:23:12 AM »
Happy Birthday, dear BT...I understand how you feel. The WW are right - try to relax and enjoy being with your family on your special day!

Here's a little trick - think of Queen Elizabeth. Seriously! Picture yourself as a benevolent queen, with the power to forgive others and to reward them with knighthoods or whatever. You don't have to say anything out loud, just think it to yourself. Hold your head up, but not obnoxiously so, just graciously and a bit regally. You don't have to overdo it because you know you are the Queen! Smile that Queen Elizabeth bemused smile. Picture yourself knighting those who would otherwise treat you unpleasantly, because you have the power of forgiveness. Smile some more. Tilt your head just so and listen to the conversation going on around you, nodding appropriately and picturing yourself with a crown on your head. Hey, it works for me. Oh, and I try to get a mani/pedi/hair app't before the big event if I can possibly swing it, and I make sure I wear something that reminds me to "Queen Up" although a real crown is probably pushing it :) When in doubt, lean over and sneak some food to your pretend Corgis (not really.)

Have a wonderful time!!!

Thank you to all of you!  All such good advice...you know how I feel, most of you.  It makes you feel scared.  I am the Queen, though so watch out!  I rule??? :(

Offline Pen

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2010, 06:57:27 AM »
BT, you're not the "off with their heads" style of queen. Think less 'ruler' and more 'kind, accepting role-model.'   :D

The trick is to have images or objects that remind you of your confident, centered, fulfilled self who has a great life apart from all the IL drama and hoo-ha. If you act needy, emotional, or insecure it may affect how others see you...your true self won't be able to shine through.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

barelythere

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2010, 07:05:52 AM »
BT, you're not the "off with their heads" style of queen. Think less 'ruler' and more 'kind, accepting role-model.'   :D

The trick is to have images or objects that remind you of your confident, centered, fulfilled self who has a great life apart from all the IL drama and hoo-ha. If you act needy, emotional, or insecure it may affect how others see you...your true self won't be able to shine through.

Oh Geeeeze, tall order but I'm going to visualize myself as (I can't think of anyone yet)  :-\  I have to expect nothing.  That's the trick. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2010, 07:45:51 AM »
You'll do well! Don't forget to enjoy your day!  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

free_at_last

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2010, 07:47:00 AM »
Try to keep it in your mind that this is a good thing, they want to spend time with you!  I love Pen's idea of getting your nails and hair done before the event....anything that will give you confidence.  Enjoy this for what it is...a special time with them, and try not to look for hidden meaning in things they say or do.  Don't worry if your gd acts a little stand-offish or even snotty at times...she is 13 and acting like a 13 year old...it may take a couple years but she will outgrow that attitude...try not to take it personally.  Happy Birthday and have fun!

barelythere

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Re: Need help on how to act
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2010, 07:58:11 AM »
Try to keep it in your mind that this is a good thing, they want to spend time with you!  I love Pen's idea of getting your nails and hair done before the event....anything that will give you confidence.  Enjoy this for what it is...a special time with them, and try not to look for hidden meaning in things they say or do.  Don't worry if your gd acts a little stand-offish or even snotty at times...she is 13 and acting like a 13 year old...it may take a couple years but she will outgrow that attitude...try not to take it personally.  Happy Birthday and have fun!

Thank you, Free.  I will live on those words.  Some of you don't know how much your kind words mean to us!  Thank you...