Author Topic: trying to cope  (Read 11452 times)

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erma

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trying to cope
« on: October 06, 2010, 09:18:41 AM »
here i am again, trying to cope with the fact that my son and DIL are refusing communication of any kind, and whats worse, we are shut out of our GS life! i have emailed and called, no response at all. my son at one point, shortly after my grandson was born, said he would always include us in our GS life no matter what happened. my father and i were estranged, so it was important for my son at the time for his son to have grandparents. all my life i have waited to be a grandmother, hoping to share and love and spoil a grandchild. part of being a grandparent means to me anyway, is we get to just share time and precious moments, love and admire our grandchildrens growth and achievements, all the while upholding their parents wishes, which to me means, we as grandparents get to have all the fun and then let their parents do all the "raising" of the kids.
we have never over stepped our boundaries, now we don't even know what we did to be completely ignored. are they holding our GS over our heads as punishment? for what? the only thing i can think of is a situation in which i told my son about, where i was dropping off some presents for them and the baby, when i remembered she told me i was not allowed to just "drop in" on them, so to follow her rules, (talk about walking on eggshells) i parked in a parking spot just 50 feet from their door, called and said i was in the neighborhood and would be by shortly to drop off their presents, she did not answer the phone, i knew she was home though, i could see the front door open, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she didnt hear the phone, gave it about 5 mins, got out of my car to take the gifts up to the house, when all of a sudden the garage door opened, and out she drove with my GS in tow! was she leaving because she heard my message? this is how it looked to me, i do know for a fact that when i call when she is home by herself, she does not pick up the phone. my son always answered, when i asked to speak with her, he always has some silly excuse as to why she cant come to the phone or wont answer when hes not home. some things i can believe, but 4 years of her not speaking to me? she is the most rude dishonest person i know, and yet we still wish to show her what a family is! my conclusion is, she has been so hurt in her past, she doesn't trust women, or elders. her family unfortunately, has said in their own words "she is hard to deal with", her own sister wants nothing to do with her or her family, I'm not saying were perfect, we all have our imperfections, but my family has stayed intact, yes even my estranged father has come around, i will never give up hope on anyone, but i am having a hard time coping with something i first off, don't understand, and second, why are we on ignore? we wish to see our GS, my heart is absolutely broken. especially with the holidays coming!!   :'(

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2010, 09:35:54 AM »
Erma, and lgrover,
I don't know what we as human beings are supposed to do about these kinds of people?  Erma, can you even imagine what your son has to put up with?  I don't understand it but she is like she is.  Unfortunately for us, we are the recipients of her personality. I will almost guarantee you that none of us were raised like that. 

lgrover, I'm so sorry your daughter is acting like she is.  My gosh, what a waste of a life. I know she's angry with herself but that doesn't really help when you're in the middle of it. 
Blessing to both of you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2010, 11:20:57 AM »
I am so sorry, too. Who needs this? Who can possibly understand it? It's nuts! Sending love..
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

erma

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2010, 12:42:25 PM »
thank you for your kind words, and forgive my inquiry, who is "Igrover"?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2010, 12:45:34 PM »
I have no idea!  ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

miss_priss

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2010, 01:29:45 PM »
Quote
we have never over stepped our boundaries, now we don't even know what we did to be completely ignored. are they holding our GS over our heads as punishment? for what? the only thing i can think of is a situation in which i told my son about, where i was dropping off some presents for them and the baby, when i remembered she told me i was not allowed to just "drop in" on them, so to follow her rules, (talk about walking on eggshells) i parked in a parking spot just 50 feet from their door, called and said i was in the neighborhood and would be by shortly to drop off their presents, she did not answer the phone, i knew she was home though, i could see the front door open, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she didnt hear the phone, gave it about 5 mins, got out of my car to take the gifts up to the house, when all of a sudden the garage door opened, and out she drove with my GS in tow! was she leaving because she heard my message? this is how it looked to me, i do know for a fact that when i call when she is home by herself, she does not pick up the phone.

I am sorry, erma, that you are hurting.  This sounds like a very tough relationship and one where no one really wins.  I have to respectfully "agree to disagree" with barelythere and Luise though.  While I certainly think your DS & DIL should be handling it better than what they are and could be nicer to you than what it sounds like, I can't tell you that the instance you gave in your story is ok, because it really is not.  It's really not even an inkling better than showing up completely unannounced. 

Some people (myself included) do not like unannounced company and lots of people are like this.  Whether I am at home or not is irrelevant, my house could be a mess (and this really embarrasses me) or I could be....idunno, bra-less or even "coital" (sorry for the yucky thought there)?  Or maybe I just don't feel like company.  Some people don't even enjoy having company ever.  Hard to imagine for some folks, but it's true!  I know lots of people like that. 

My point is, it doesn't matter "why" or how you go about doing it, when people do not want to be dropped in on, and especially when they have verbally expressed it, it is really rude to do it anyway.  Maybe they are annoyed by your lack of concern for her boundaries and this is why she avoids you?  Especially those boundaries she has verbally expressed and you are fully aware of.  I don't know all the details, I'm just throwing out a possibility based on the instance you gave. 

I don't know, if my MIL were drive to my house to see if I'm home...then call...then just show up on my doorstep 5 minutes later...I would really feel "stalked" and creeped out.  But that's just me.  I really value my privacy, and a lot of people do.  It's not unreasonable to feel that way, eventhough your DS and DIL should probably manage it a little better.   

I can't speak for everyone on this forum, but I can tell you that the more my own MIL pushed and forced her way in with no regards to our boundaries, the faster she was pushed OUT, for good.  That wasn't all there was to it, but her disregard for our boundaries played a big part.  I don't want to see that happen to you, I never want to see that happen to anyone.  It hurts all parties involved, and believe it or not, even the DIL (even when you think she's a heartless succubus). 

Maybe you should give them some space for a while?  And by a "while" I mean more than just a few days until it drives you nuts that you haven't seen DS.  Don't call, don't email, don't drop in (especially, Lord ESPECIALLY unannounced!).  Let DS come to you?  Some people can't do that, but it might go a long way in showing them you want to respect their boundaries if you can make yourself do it.

Really sorry for the novel (I have been bored at work today with little to do).  My prayers are with you erma, I hope this gets resolved peacefully.

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2010, 01:51:23 PM »
thank you for your kind words, and forgive my inquiry, who is "Igrover"?

Erma, while you were posting your question, lgrover posted one too.  A new member, I think.

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2010, 02:09:08 PM »
Erma
There are some DIL's out there that would rather play hurtful power driven games then to put the same energy into  being civil.  You would not be forced into resorting to this had someone had the decency to answer a phone call.  These are control issues, demanding notification before being allowed to step foot in their lawn, yet refusing to ever answer phone calls.  Bet she accepted the gift though. 

All you can do is to continue being the person you are.  One day DIL might change her behavior, but if she is so self-centered that she would use her own child as a pawn, you might not have a lot of luck in the near future.... Best luck to you and your family.

Laurie, I had not thought of it as a control issue but it is.  I can't imagine doing that to anyone, especially the driving out of the driveway like a demon.   I think this has been asked before but what causes people to be so controlling/borderline cruel?  It is tiring and you just don't want to be around them anymore. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2010, 02:43:52 PM »
My take on "controlling" is that people who are fearful do it. They may be afraid of change or a thousand other things. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

erma

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2010, 04:43:37 PM »
Quote
I don't know, if my MIL were drive to my house to see if I'm home...then call...then just show up on my doorstep 5 minutes later...I would really feel "stalked" and creeped out.  But that's just me.  I really value my privacy, and a lot of people do.  It's not unreasonable to feel that way, eventhough your DS and DIL should probably manage it a little better.   

we have always been respectful of her boundaries, i DID call her before i left my house to let her know i was going out to shop and run errands and would call when i was near their area and let her know i was coming, and IF she was not home i would leave the presents on their front porch. the day just slipped away, and on my way home ( they live 5 mins from us) i drove by their house to drop the presents off, i was tired from errands and shopping, i know, its hard to believe that older people get tired and forgetful , ;) but not wanting to upset her,  i called AGAIN when i realized i didn't call from somewhere 20 to 30 mins away, out of respect for her boundaries.  I'm am not "stalking" nor would i ever do such a thing. i simply forgot to call as i was driving and thought i should call before i went to the door.  i would be "creeped out" too if someone was driving by my house just to see if i was home. but really, i don't give her that much power in my life. i pray for her to be whole, so she can find some peace in her heart. she is my GS mother, and for his sake and my sons, i wish her peace.
and yes, she did accept the gifts, but not a "thank you" spoken from her though.  :-\

Offline Pen

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2010, 04:48:44 PM »
Erma, at least you know you're not alone in this :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2010, 04:57:41 PM »
Quote
i don't give her that much power in my life.

You did everything right and you've earned my respect by not giving her that much power in your life.  Of course she wouldn't thank you, seems to be a trait in totally self absorbed people.  Stay true to who you are, she may eventually grow up  ;D

Ditto, Erma  :)

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2010, 09:31:36 AM »
Erma, and lgrover,
I don't know what we as human beings are supposed to do about these kinds of people?  Erma, can you even imagine what your son has to put up with?  I don't understand it but she is like she is.  Unfortunately for us, we are the recipients of her personality. I will almost guarantee you that none of us were raised like that. 

lgrover, I'm so sorry your daughter is acting like she is.  My gosh, what a waste of a life. I know she's angry with herself but that doesn't really help when you're in the middle of it. 
Blessing to both of you.

Erma, your story just kills me because you tried your hardest to do whatever she wanted and one little false move and it's done.  I swear, so hard~~!  Wishing you all the love in the world. 

Rose

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2010, 01:07:39 PM »
Erma, Please take a look at this from your Daughter in law's perspective. I have been in a similar circumtance from the other side.  I am the Daughter in Law in my situation.  I am not trying to argue or insult you.  I would like to help you.  In my situation I have been estranged for over twenty years from my Mother in law.  This is how it started, with the visits and the phone calls.  It got worse from there. In my situation I asked for calls before visits because I had a home invasion and I am afraid when home alone.  I have PTSD.  My Mother in law is not the only one who was asked to call first but she is the only one who didn't listen. 
My Doctor said I was having a normal reaction and making a resonable request.  My Mother in law called it demeaning and making an appointment.  No, this is not the only reason for our estrangement but it was the begginging of the end of our relationship with her.
 
we have never over stepped our boundaries, now we don't even know what we did to be completely ignored. are they holding our GS over our heads as punishment? for what? the only thing i can think of is a situation in which i told my son about, where i was dropping off some presents for them and the baby, when i remembered she told me i was not allowed to just "drop in" on them, so to follow her rules, (talk about walking on eggshells)

I had a great deal of trouble with this part. You told your Son.  I feel like you told on your Daughter in law.  She was a bad girl. 
 
Second: your Daughter in law asked to be called first, maybe she is a horrible house keeper or she likes to run around in the nude, maybe she just likes privacy it is her house and that is her call. 
 
OK, you forgot but I think to have a good relationship with your Daughter in law, if she makes a request that you call first and you disregard it you can expect it to go badly.  That is her boundary and when you stopped over you broke hers.
 
From my experience not answering the phone/door or visiting was a defensive move, self preservation thinking.  You probably made things tense in their home with tattling and in order for them both the retain peace you are being avoided.
 
Walking on eggshells, oh my.  Listening to your Daughter in law when she requested her privacy is not walking on eggshells.  It's taking into consideration someone elses feelings and being considerate, whatever her reason for having them is.
 
 i parked in a parking spot just 50 feet from their door, called and said i was in the neighborhood and would be by shortly to drop off their presents, she did not answer the phone, i knew she was home though, i could see the front door open, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she didnt hear the phone, gave it about 5 mins, got out of my car to take the gifts up to the house, when all of a sudden the garage door opened, and out she drove with my GS in tow! was she leaving because she heard my message? this is how it looked to me,

Maybe your Daughter in law had a Doctors appointment.  That is what happened to me with my Mother in law.  When I told my Mother in law that I was leaving for the Doctor she yelled at me that I didn't have my shoes on.  It doesn't take long to put on flip flops in fact they were in the car, something I did a lot of when I was pregnant as I was then.  All that and my Mother in law didn't call first then either.
 
i do know for a fact that when i call when she is home by herself, she does not pick up the phone. my son always answered, when i asked to speak with her, he always has some silly excuse as to why she cant come to the phone or wont answer when hes not home. some things i can believe, but 4 years of her not speaking to me?

If you knew that your Daughter in law has a problem with you then why call or visit when your son isn't home? If you call and you would like to ask a question ask your son, he lives in the same house and if he doesn't know the answer then he can ask.  Don't put her on the spot, you may think that you are being friendly but if she has a problem with you then give her space.  Tell your Son to say hello to his wife when you call but don't put her on the defense by asking for her.
 
Please look into the stalking laws in your area.  The driving past and parking and walking to there home you may find yourself in legal trouble.
 
 she is the most rude dishonest person i know, and yet we still wish to show her what a family is!

Ouch, please don't judge your Daughter in law by what others say.  Only go by what you have experienced yourself to be true. If she went by what she knew about you she could say that you were estranged from your father.  Give her the benefit of the doubt as I am sure you would want done for yourself. She already knows what a family is, if you said that to her she would shut down and not open to you again.
 
my conclusion is, she has been so hurt in her past, she doesn't trust women, or elders. her family unfortunately, has said in their own words "she is hard to deal with", her own sister wants nothing to do with her or her family, I'm not saying were perfect, we all have our imperfections, but my family has stayed intact, yes even my estranged father has come around, i will never give up hope on anyone, but i am having a hard time coping with something i first off, don't understand, and second, why are we on ignore? we wish to see our GS, my heart is absolutely broken. especially with the holidays coming!!   :'(

But, your family is not intact, you aren't seeing your GS and your Daughter in law won't speak to you.
 
Again don't go by what someone else tells you.  You don't know what may have happened that she doesn't get along with her sister.  I don't get along with my brother and he can say some pretty mean things about me but he won't tell you that he threw me down a flight of steps and almost broke my jaw with my 8th grade Math book because I caught him dealing drugs in our parents home, which is probably why I had a home invasion.  Realize there are two sides to every story and give her the benefit of the doubt.
 
Erma, please realize that your Daughter in Law is put off by you. She may feel threathened or maybe you insulted her although  unintentionally.  You don't think that you broke a boundary but your daughter in law probably thinks that you did.  When you went to your son and told him the situation I'm sure she was even more livid then when you popped in for a visit.  Please consider calling when your son is home.  Plan your visits ahead of time and give advance notice.  Your son already knew there was a problem because he has given you lame excuses for why she can't/won't come to the phone.  Giving her the head on approach isn't going to bring you all together as a family.  It may not be the Norman Rockwell image of a family but at least you may be on friendly or friendlier terms. 

Don't end up like me.  It's been over twenty years and I really wish I could have had a reasonable relationship with my Mother in law. Please consider calling your son and saying I have been thinking about my visit and I wanted to apologize for the way I handled it.  I understand that Daughter in law would like me to call first and I regret that I didn't.  I will call first and I would like to stop by sometime when everyone is home if that would be alright.  Name the day and time and then be there, on time.  If they aren't available try having them name the day and time.  It may not work, they may need sometime.  If they don't pick up leave a message saying that you are sorry for the visit and you regret it.  Tell them you will try to do better and then try.  Do not ask for your Daughter in law, Do not put her on the defense.  Give it time and don't expect miracles overnight. Don' t be surprised if they don't answer.  With the holidays think long term not short term.   I hope that you have a Norman Rockwell.  Maybe not this year but maybe Easter or next Christmas.
 
If you are lucky enough to get that visit.  Don't stay long, be pleasant.  Don't be confrontational.  Tell Daughter in Law you are greatful for the visit.  If she refuses to be there do not say anything bad about your Daughter in law to your Son. Do not say that her request of a call is stupid.  In time I hope you move past this and have a normal family relationship with all of them.  Do not think that one visit has fixed everything.  It may take time to lose the eggshell feeling and just feel like family. 
 
Only you can decide if it's worth it to be nice to her try to make her feel comfortable with you.  If she has already not been speaking to you for four years it's going to take some time to fix this be patient.
 
Good luck and I will be praying for a better outcome for you and your family.
 
Rosie
 
 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2010, 01:19:29 PM by Rose »

barelythere

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Re: trying to cope
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2010, 03:34:13 PM »
Erma, Please take a look at this from your Daughter in law's perspective. I have been in a similar circumtance from the other side.  I am the Daughter in Law in my situation.  I am not trying to argue or insult you.  I would like to help you.  In my situation I have been estranged for over twenty years from my Mother in law.  This is how it started, with the visits and the phone calls.  It got worse from there. In my situation I asked for calls before visits because I had a home invasion and I am afraid when home alone.  I have PTSD.  My Mother in law is not the only one who was asked to call first but she is the only one who didn't listen. 
My Doctor said I was having a normal reaction and making a resonable request.  My Mother in law called it demeaning and making an appointment.  No, this is not the only reason for our estrangement but it was the begginging of the end of our relationship with her.
 
we have never over stepped our boundaries, now we don't even know what we did to be completely ignored. are they holding our GS over our heads as punishment? for what? the only thing i can think of is a situation in which i told my son about, where i was dropping off some presents for them and the baby, when i remembered she told me i was not allowed to just "drop in" on them, so to follow her rules, (talk about walking on eggshells)

I had a great deal of trouble with this part. You told your Son.  I feel like you told on your Daughter in law.  She was a bad girl. 
 
Second: your Daughter in law asked to be called first, maybe she is a horrible house keeper or she likes to run around in the nude, maybe she just likes privacy it is her house and that is her call. 
 
OK, you forgot but I think to have a good relationship with your Daughter in law, if she makes a request that you call first and you disregard it you can expect it to go badly.  That is her boundary and when you stopped over you broke hers.
 
From my experience not answering the phone/door or visiting was a defensive move, self preservation thinking.  You probably made things tense in their home with tattling and in order for them both the retain peace you are being avoided.
 
Walking on eggshells, oh my.  Listening to your Daughter in law when she requested her privacy is not walking on eggshells.  It's taking into consideration someone elses feelings and being considerate, whatever her reason for having them is.
 
 i parked in a parking spot just 50 feet from their door, called and said i was in the neighborhood and would be by shortly to drop off their presents, she did not answer the phone, i knew she was home though, i could see the front door open, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe she didnt hear the phone, gave it about 5 mins, got out of my car to take the gifts up to the house, when all of a sudden the garage door opened, and out she drove with my GS in tow! was she leaving because she heard my message? this is how it looked to me,

Maybe your Daughter in law had a Doctors appointment.  That is what happened to me with my Mother in law.  When I told my Mother in law that I was leaving for the Doctor she yelled at me that I didn't have my shoes on.  It doesn't take long to put on flip flops in fact they were in the car, something I did a lot of when I was pregnant as I was then.  All that and my Mother in law didn't call first then either.
 
i do know for a fact that when i call when she is home by herself, she does not pick up the phone. my son always answered, when i asked to speak with her, he always has some silly excuse as to why she cant come to the phone or wont answer when hes not home. some things i can believe, but 4 years of her not speaking to me?

If you knew that your Daughter in law has a problem with you then why call or visit when your son isn't home? If you call and you would like to ask a question ask your son, he lives in the same house and if he doesn't know the answer then he can ask.  Don't put her on the spot, you may think that you are being friendly but if she has a problem with you then give her space.  Tell your Son to say hello to his wife when you call but don't put her on the defense by asking for her.
 
Please look into the stalking laws in your area.  The driving past and parking and walking to there home you may find yourself in legal trouble.
 
 she is the most rude dishonest person i know, and yet we still wish to show her what a family is!

Ouch, please don't judge your Daughter in law by what others say.  Only go by what you have experienced yourself to be true. If she went by what she knew about you she could say that you were estranged from your father.  Give her the benefit of the doubt as I am sure you would want done for yourself. She already knows what a family is, if you said that to her she would shut down and not open to you again.
 
my conclusion is, she has been so hurt in her past, she doesn't trust women, or elders. her family unfortunately, has said in their own words "she is hard to deal with", her own sister wants nothing to do with her or her family, I'm not saying were perfect, we all have our imperfections, but my family has stayed intact, yes even my estranged father has come around, i will never give up hope on anyone, but i am having a hard time coping with something i first off, don't understand, and second, why are we on ignore? we wish to see our GS, my heart is absolutely broken. especially with the holidays coming!!   :'(

But, your family is not intact, you aren't seeing your GS and your Daughter in law won't speak to you.
 
Again don't go by what someone else tells you.  You don't know what may have happened that she doesn't get along with her sister.  I don't get along with my brother and he can say some pretty mean things about me but he won't tell you that he threw me down a flight of steps and almost broke my jaw with my 8th grade Math book because I caught him dealing drugs in our parents home, which is probably why I had a home invasion.  Realize there are two sides to every story and give her the benefit of the doubt.
 
Erma, please realize that your Daughter in Law is put off by you. She may feel threathened or maybe you insulted her although  unintentionally.  You don't think that you broke a boundary but your daughter in law probably thinks that you did.  When you went to your son and told him the situation I'm sure she was even more livid then when you popped in for a visit.  Please consider calling when your son is home.  Plan your visits ahead of time and give advance notice.  Your son already knew there was a problem because he has given you lame excuses for why she can't/won't come to the phone.  Giving her the head on approach isn't going to bring you all together as a family.  It may not be the Norman Rockwell image of a family but at least you may be on friendly or friendlier terms. 

Don't end up like me.  It's been over twenty years and I really wish I could have had a reasonable relationship with my Mother in law. Please consider calling your son and saying I have been thinking about my visit and I wanted to apologize for the way I handled it.  I understand that Daughter in law would like me to call first and I regret that I didn't.  I will call first and I would like to stop by sometime when everyone is home if that would be alright.  Name the day and time and then be there, on time.  If they aren't available try having them name the day and time.  It may not work, they may need sometime.  If they don't pick up leave a message saying that you are sorry for the visit and you regret it.  Tell them you will try to do better and then try.  Do not ask for your Daughter in law, Do not put her on the defense.  Give it time and don't expect miracles overnight. Don' t be surprised if they don't answer.  With the holidays think long term not short term.   I hope that you have a Norman Rockwell.  Maybe not this year but maybe Easter or next Christmas.
 
If you are lucky enough to get that visit.  Don't stay long, be pleasant.  Don't be confrontational.  Tell Daughter in Law you are greatful for the visit.  If she refuses to be there do not say anything bad about your Daughter in law to your Son. Do not say that her request of a call is stupid.  In time I hope you move past this and have a normal family relationship with all of them.  Do not think that one visit has fixed everything.  It may take time to lose the eggshell feeling and just feel like family. 
 
Only you can decide if it's worth it to be nice to her try to make her feel comfortable with you.  If she has already not been speaking to you for four years it's going to take some time to fix this be patient.
 
Good luck and I will be praying for a better outcome for you and your family.
 
Rosie

Don't end up like me.  It's been over twenty years and I really wish I could have had a reasonable relationship with my Mother in law. Please consider calling your son and saying I have been thinking about my visit and I wanted to apologize for the way I handled it.  I understand that Daughter in law would like me to call first and I regret that I didn't.  I will call first and I would like to stop by sometime when everyone is home if that would be alright.  Name the day and time and then be there, on time.  If they aren't available try having them name the day and time.  It may not work, they may need sometime.  If they don't pick up leave a message saying that you are sorry for the visit and you regret it.  Tell them you will try to do better and then try.  Do not ask for your Daughter in law, Do not put her on the defense.  Give it time and don't expect miracles overnight. Don' t be surprised if they don't answer.  With the holidays think long term not short term.   I hope that you have a Norman Rockwell.  Maybe not this year but maybe Easter or next Christmas.
 
If you are lucky enough to get that visit.  Don't stay long, be pleasant.  Don't be confrontational.  Tell Daughter in Law you are greatful for the visit.  If she refuses to be there do not say anything bad about your Daughter in law to your Son. Do not say that her request of a call is stupid.  In time I hope you move past this and have a normal family relationship with all of them.  Do not think that one visit has fixed everything.  It may take time to lose the eggshell feeling and just feel like family. 
 
Only you can decide if it's worth it to be nice to her try to make her feel comfortable with you.  If she has already not been speaking to you for four years it's going to take some time to fix this be patient.
 
Good luck and I will be praying for a better outcome for you and your family.
 
Rosie
 
Ask yourself if this is worth it, Erma.  It wouldn't be for me.   Apologize for bringing a gift and DIL not answering the phone?  Come on.  No relationship is worth giving up my dignity. Not even that of a son.  Though if you do want one, you will have to grovel at her feet.  I have a self-esteem to guard too but the way this one is arranged, I couldn't do it.  DILs aren't the only ones to have PTSD. 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2010, 03:35:47 PM by barelythere »