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DS and GF/mother of our GS

Started by grammyto2, October 02, 2010, 02:10:12 pm

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I am new to "blogging", and found this web site at 3 a.m. Wish i'd found it 6 years ago when all this started.  DS is with a GF who has one 5 y/o dear sweet daughter, whom we've been involved with since she was 6 months old.  From day one, GF has had this "thing" about us that we don't like her.  We come from different schools of thought, but we have ALWAYS been welcoming.  I think because our son told her we are not into piercings and tatoos, she feels inferior... that was put to rest a long time ago, we do not judge a book by its cover, and have let her know that.  But the rift still continues.  We have welcomed her even when she throws herself down on our couch with her arms folded in front of her and wouldn't carry a conversation when I approached.  It was, primal ugs and m-mm's.  She gave birth to our 1st GS back in January 2010, we have but seen him maybe 5 times.  She wouldn't allow us at the hospital when she gave birth.  DS just goes along with what she says.  Its a mess, too much to share in one blog... I should have been Journaling all this time, and I really wish I would have, just to look back and see what crazyness and madness is involved in this situation.  I know I haven't given much information about the situation so you can comment, but I was just kinda giving a foundation and synopsis.  Her dear daughter is a sweetheart, whenever they do allow her to come over, its for an over-night stay, and once I had her for 2-3 days, (when they had to go to a funeral out of state and had no other recourse)  Anyhow, she and I have  a sweet relationship, I'm a former PS Teacher and love little kids.  My GS hardly knows me/us, the longest we have been with him is maybe 2-3 hours.  My heart is broken, at that, and at how our DS has treated us.  This all started with another gf back when he was 19 (is now 27).  When he invited her to sleep over in our home.  I was very angry, cause he knew the house rules.  I told them to leave, He fought me to the ground for his car keys and left me there and walked away. My heart was broken  We had never even ever had an argument prior to that... He went and lived with her and her mom then they moved to Arkansas, (unbeknown to us he had been spending nights at her house when he was supposed to be a a 'friends' house) my DH helped them move (in the mean time both DH & I were laid off our jobs, his being a 30 yr. job)  We had to sell, and we moved from TX to WA.  DS didn't speak to us for 6 months and started responding to letters we'd sent.  He ended up moving out of gf's & her mothers, and in with some guys (still in Arkansas).  He agreed to a visit by me for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I purchased non-refundable airline ticket for both holidays... ha never do that again!  He ended up moving up here Nov.1st (2004) and within a year found this gf.  Its been peaks and valleys, as her moods change.  Some of the battles have been STUPID!  Like when we bought a Swingset for gd birthday (and had pre-authorized it with our ds) then it became a "we are trying to buy her love and affection thing" when all we had here was a "craigslist play kitchen" and some dishes and a tricycle.  No elaborate swing-set just a plain 3 seater with a slide.  They invite us to go places like the Zoo on a specific day, then never follow through and don't call.  We plan dinners fix them and they don't show up, she never even acknowledges (meaning never says thank you) for gifts we've given her...  I give up.... I have tried to invite her to have coffee or tea with me or a soft drink but says she doesn't drink them ... I've offered (when she was pregnant to help her with anything she needed) she just doesn't want anything to do with me.  I am not a perfect person, nor do I give err of being that way, just a loving person, as any of my friends would tell you.  I've often thought to have all them write a "Letter of Recommendation" to DS's GF and her family too (especially her mom)  DS & GF live with her mom by the way!!!  (as he did in Arkansas)  hmmm... do I see a pattern here.... duh yeah!  Anyhow I'm 58 and soon to be 59 DH is 66 and we are worn out by all this... sometimes I feel like selling our beautiful home on a river and going RV'ing the rest of our days, but feel like we'd miss out on any opportunity we might miss at restoring relationships... but then again... it might open DS's eyes (he's an only child).  He has cousins up here that he can't even associate with, his GF gets mad if he talks to us too long on the phone.  I hope he's happy!!!  (but he has told us different, he's just there b/c of the kids, is what he tells us).
Worn out in Washington
Blessings... My New-found Friends


Well, you've come to the right place. There are many GPs here who are going through something similar. I'm not a GP yet, so I hesitate to comment on your situation except to say I read your post and hope things turn around for you. Sometimes taking care of ourselves and reinvigorating our lives and the relationships we have with those who do want to be around us changes things. At the very least it's a positive step forward. Best wishes! Stick around and see what the much wiser women have to say :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome to this site.  Many us got here by accident.  I had been searching for a site where I could find the answers I needed.  I am now addicted to this site.  I usually come here at nights because it is when I have the time. 

You are not alone.....many women here are having the same problems.  Sometimes you even feel you wrote a post which you didnt.  The same issues....same attitudes,,,,wow unbelievable.

I hope I could have a good advice here this moment.  Probably tomorrow I will be more enlightened.  Meanwhile I just wanted to let you know that we are always here for you to support you.  We understand what you are going through and we will support you. 

Some wise ladies..will give you great input.  Just hold on friend.... we are here to help you. 
I have learned so much in this site.....

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


Welcome! My advice is to see what you can do personally to restore your own balance and sense of self worth. I know in the midst of crisis that's a tall order but that's when you most nee...self-love. You matter. You are important. You can't change others or their behavior but you can survive and go on alone, if need be. Sending love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I am new to this board too, and you will see that you are not alone. My situation is similar and the advice that I have bee getting is pretty spectacular. I think what I have summarized from all the posts that I have read...We NEED to take care of ourselves and not let our DIL drag us down to their level. We have done the best that we can with our sons and the rest is up to them. I think it's very sad that the young women of today are so posessive, selfish, and controlliing. I worry that DIL will raise GD to be that way too. My heart is with you.


I just wrote this on m counseling Website:

Your son has chosen the path he is on and has to learn how to deal with it in his own time and in his own way. If he condones your DIL making the rules, pulling the wool over his eyes, telling lies, gossiping and getting others to pay for her financial indiscretions, those are all his issues and you can't help him grow into his adult role. I know the worst one is how she controls their child and the time you spend with him...but it is your son's home and these are things he has to work though...or ignore and pay the consequences down the line. It's out of your hands.

Some of it may apply. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama