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DIL is so unreasonable

Started by Mamaw313, October 02, 2010, 12:47:03 pm

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Our soon to be DIL was just like a daughter to us for many years. 4 years ago, she came home from school and her Mother had her belongings on the driveway. So, she said! After graduating H.S., my son got a good job, and was living here with us to build his savings. He came home after about 9 months and said that he found a place ands was moving out. OK, that's fine..you expect that sometime. He is growing up. Then we find out that his g/f ( DIL) is living out of her car and he has to get a place so that she will have a place to live. OK. He moves out, pays bills, she won't work a job over 1-2 months and will quit, leaving him with all the bills. After a year, she cheated on him, moved in with new guy, stayed with him a year and begs my son to take her back. He does. Three months into being back...boom...she's pregnant! We are surprised, yet happy b/c our son has had so many problems with diabetes that we did not know if he would have children. The gf knows that we are excited b/c we are first time Grandparents and can hardly wait for baby to be born. When she told her Mother, her mom cussed her out, called her trash, blah, blah, blah. After about 2 days, her Mom called her tells her she's Ok with it and they made up. All thru her pregnancy, she remained close to us, her and son coming up 2x a week. It was nice. Trying to be nice we told them that we don't expect that much with a new baby, but we would like to at least see the baby 1x every 2 weeks. That would be nice. They agreed.
During the birth, her Mother was there, held baby as soon as born. Held the baby before my son did. When we were allowed to go to the room, my DH asked to hold the baby, and he was told No. Son was in shock of being a new Dad, so we did not say anything, we just let it go. For the first 3 months of my Grandbaby's life, DIL mother has been there practically every day. We see grandbaby at least 1x a month and they only live 10 miles from us! They do not invite us over, yet we still invite them up weekly just to see if they will come. We let them know that the door here is open. My Grandbaby is now 5 1/2 months old and we have only babysat 1x. DIL will not let us pick baby up to spend a couple of hours with her, will not bring her to us. When we stopped by the other night, baby was asleep so we were not allowed to hold her, just look at her. DIL showed us pics and video with baby and her Mom and her. We are missing out on so much and it breaks my heart. Son says he has tried to find out what is wrong and he comes to the conclusion that she is crazy. We ask him to bring baby and she won't let him go anywhere without her. So that will not happen. Baby is happy when she is with us. She laughs and coos and we just miss her so much. What are we to do? At one point she tried to tell us that we could not talk to him when he is at work. When that came about, what she didn't know was, we didn't call him...he called us. Help! She is making our lives miserable and we miss our Granbaby. I keep trying to tell myself that they live far away and at least this way we don't have to discipline her! Maybe we can be the fun grandparents.


October 02, 2010, 02:07:42 pm #1 Last Edit: October 02, 2010, 02:18:26 pm by cremebrulee
Hello and welcome, I'm sorry your made to go thru this...and so sorry your not seeing your GD as much as you should be...however, hang in there and be strong...I'm going to address some things which you wrote about, hope you don't mind, and hope in some way it does help.

Your Dil was thrown out of her house by her mother?  Do you know why?  Either her mother is dysfunctional, or DIL did something really horrible for a mother to conclude that she has no other alternative but to throw her daughter out? 

Then she runs around on your son with another man, but your son takes her back?  Why?  Why didn't he go to counseling to find out why he choose someone who really has some pretty unacceptable hurtful things...by taking her back, he is telling her it was ok to do that, and I'm worried she'll do it again.

Not to mention, what kind of mother will she be...did she ever address any problems she must have had with her mother?  And were they resolved?

She works one to two months and quits?  Then gets pregnant...in my opinion, she got pregant so she doesn't have to work, so that son can take care of her?  I could be wrong?  What do you think?

Your son is either refusing to see what really is going on, or ignoring it on purpose to make his life easier...either way, they should not have had a child...but, it's to late now, my first concern is for that child and how dysfunctionally it's going to grow up...she was living out of a car?????

I think right now, all you can do is hope and pray your son comes to his senses....however, I'm very very sorry your going thru this and hope things do get better...

Your DIL has very serious problems, and I'm sorry to say, your son does to...he needs counseling, he needs to find out what he did in his life that was so bad, that  he expects and accepts so little?  For starters he must lack self esteem, b/c to choose a woman like this for a lifetime partner, and now mother, there is something very wrong here...this whole situation is very unstable...and if I  were you, I would encourage him to go to counseling as much as you can...he's going  to need it, b/c she will break him down...and then maybe she will get curious and go, but your son has to realize, this is a very unstable situation to bring a baby into....

Good luck and please keep writing if need be...

I'm so sorry this is happening...



Did I hit a wrong button or did my questions come across as that unreasonable?


What questions, 1Glitterati? Sometimes I'll work hard on a post only to have it de-materialize when I click "post." Is that what you're talking about?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I believe that's what may have happened pen.   I'll repost.

Basically I just wondered if the op asked about the nursery at her house, first xmas stocking, playground, etc.  I wondered if possibly the new parents felt the grandparents were trying to horn in on some first moments or if, as far as the crib goes, possibly it was old and didn't meet safety standards.

I realize that people can put in or at their house whatever they want.  It just can't be counted on that the gk's will use it unless you ask the parents first.

Those were my questions.


I hate that when I think through a post, respond and it goes to post-heaven without ever being read! I have started copying and pasting a post of any length and I hold it until I know it's up and running.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks for the input Creme. You have hit the nail on the head. Her Mother and her have a very dysfunctional relationship. That is quite obvious to all that know them. When I stated that her Mother kicked her out of the house..she said...I meant that is what we have believed all these years because that is what she told us. Then about a month ago, on a rare visit to our house, she mentions that when things didn't go her way at home...she just left. " That's when I moved out after H.S." Those were her words. Her Mom is very controlling and has controlled pretty much every aspect of her life when she was growing up. She was in gymnastics, all types of dance, school activities and graduated with honors. By no means is she stupid, she's just lazy and will not work.Her Mother has never held a full time job, she lives off the money that her husband makes after working 60-70 hours a week. Her mother hates our son, always has. There have been issues in the past, when they were growing up, ( they dated off and on for about 6 years)that when my son was 15, dil mom decided my son was not good enough for her daughter. Tried to keep them apart, called the law, etc. My son was not going to her house, calling , etc. but her daughter was being delivered to our house for about 2 hours every weekend by none other that her Mothers brother! They were never unsupervised, and we were led to believe that her mother knew until the law called my house. It was a mess. It all boils down to DIL proving to her Mother that she could not keep them apart. That's the only solution we can come up with. From our experience, the issues with her Mother are not resolved. That is what scares us about her raising the baby. Her Mother is very unstable and so is she. We have raised our son in a very loving home, his Father and I both work and we have a nice home that is paid for and we have taught our children to have a good work ethic. We have 2 boys and both have been working and earing their own money since they were 14. We taught them to cook, do their own laundry, clean house, take out trash, keep the yard neat and clean, etc. Just so you don't get the wrong assumption...we didn't make them do these things and sit back and watch. We worked right along with them as a family and a team. Our boys know how to take care of themselves if anything ever happened to us. That was our goal. We were hoping that is the type partner they would pick, but that didn't happen.
I'll give you an example of what just happened today. We called our son and asked if they were going to come up today or if they were going to be home, we would just drop in a minute to see the baby. He called us back said to come by. within 1 minute, he called us back, said she was screaming and yelling and it was not a good idea. He would call us later. Well, we went about our business, went to eat breakfast, shopping, then we decided that we would run by just to see if they were home. Sure enough, our son is trying to get her car started. They were just getting ready to leave and 5 hours had gone by! She has her preteen sister in the car with her, baby in car seat/carrier in the back. DH saw that the baby was asleep, tried to open the car door to kiss baby on the cheek and DIL would not unlock the door. She acted like she didn't hear him. Her window was up, So our son just leaned in our car and said that he didn't know if they would come up today and that he loved us very much. I am so angry that I wast to just tell her what I think, but DH says, "She will keep the baby away". The way I see it, she already keeps the baby away. As Dr. Phil said, " You teach people how to treat you." I don't like being treated this way. What are we to do?


For me, number one was getting that I couldn't change others. It nearly did me in to get that. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Quote from: luise.volta on October 03, 2010, 01:07:23 pm
For me, number one was getting that I couldn't change others. It nearly did me in to get that. Sending love...

whew, boy ain't that the truth, and a very very difficult lesson to learn...
and yes, it does nearly do a person in, Luise....but we made it...didn't we?   :)


Yes, we did Creme...and for me, it's a constant wake-up call to keep reminding myself. Sometimes I have to say to myself..."it's _____'s path. It's none of my business. My business is how I do or don't respond." Sending love...   
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama