Author Topic: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!  (Read 2574 times)

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Jazmin

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DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« on: October 01, 2010, 06:30:32 PM »
Hi...
I have a fairly new DIL that my son met online thru one of those MMORPG type games. He was married & living with a wife, at the time they met. About three weeks of talking to this woman online & he went to meet her about 800 miles away (they met half way between their hometowns) for a secluded weekend. They hit it off. My son's wife was, at the time, cheating on my son, and since this was not the first time she was cheating, my son told her about his weekend with the new woman, and they came to a mutual agreement that they break it off & go their separate ways.

The wife kept custody of the 3 grandchildren, who by the way, I had raised on the weekends for the previous 5 yrs; I went & picked them up & I took them home every weekend. My DIL then, (mother of my grandchildren), for reasons never divulged to me,  would never come to my house. 

For the next year, I did my best to get to know this new woman in my son's life. I liked her a lot. She could sing, she had a good southern attitude & all seemed well, I THOUGHT.  However, she "wrapped my son up" within a couple months & moved him far away from our hometown (about 1500 miles away), and soon, I heard less and less from my son. If I tried to call, she always intercepted phone calls or text messages. She would answer for him & I would rarely get an opportunity to talk to him. I got on that MMORPG game online they play, just so I could try to find & talk to my son once in awhile. What I found out was, when I thought I was talking to him, I was really talking to her!!! She did not reveal that she was using his character in the game! I never said much bad about the DIL, I just said, I wished he would move back closer to "home" so he could be closer to the children who loved him dearly. I said nothing bad, really; just letting him know I missed him & so did the children. But once he was gone, the now divorced wife, would no longer allow me to see the grandchildren. In my state, we, at that time, had no grandparents rights, so I had no recourse. I was broken-hearted to the core about not getting to see my "babies" at least once in awhile.
 
My son grew farther and farther away from me with his new woman, who he eventually married. I got married & moved away from my original home, just a few weeks after they got married. Over the course of the following year, I talked my husband's family into funding a trip for my son and his children to come visit me in my new home. We told them we would be sending them the money;  not sure when, but go ahead & make the necessary plans to take off work, etc. One day "she" (the DIL) called wanting to know when I was sending the money? I told her in a couple of days. She proceeded to demand the money by the end of that week. I was befuddled, but ok. We did without & sent 1/3 of the money to them. Come to find out, they needed the money to pay bills with before they left on the trip. Then they demanded the balance of the money within a couple more days, otherwise, they couldn't make the trip. We made arrangements & had the promised balance sent to them. They went to pick up the grandchildren in our home town, visited with my son's dad, & with my daughter. I heard little from them during all this, but continued making plans in my home for them to come to our house over the fourth of July weekend. I had spent over $2000 preparing for their visit, plus sent them their trip money just to see them & my grandchildren. I was soooo excited! I could hardly wait!!!

But ... I got a call from my ex-husband who informed me that he didn't want to get involved but thought I should know that my son & his "pushy/disrespectful" (his words, not mine) wife had changed their mind about coming to visit me, and didn't think it was necessary to let me know. Instead they went to visit other friends from that MMORPG game, whom they had never met...  in another state. I actually found out, proof positive, by seeing photos posted on their FaceBook on the day they were scheduled to show up at our house. My husband and his family were furious! (Can't say I blame them) and wanted answers. I tried calling my son, but as always was intercepted by the DIL who proceeded to cuss me out, & yelling at me with language I didn't even understand; but any four letter word that you could imagine, she used it against me saying that the reason they didn't come was none of my business & just continued to go off on me. I was stunned beyond belief! I had no idea what I'd done wrong, didn't understand the cursing I just got after giving them the money to go pick up the children & come visit.
 
This incident blew over, but everytime I tried to talk to my son from that day forward, I was denied, and intercepted in every direction & have never been allowed to talk to him since. Yet, she calls me a "drama queen" which I don't understand. I am not the one who caused the drama. I just asked why they used me for the money & didn't come to see me. I finally got a text message about a month ago that says, "We forgive you, but we just don't want any drama in our life, and we choose not to have anything further to do with you". 

My son's birthday is coming up this weekend. They have a new address & I am not allowed to have it. I don't understand. I still don't know what I've done. I miss my son & the grandchildren more than you can imagine. I pray a lot & hope a lot. I would have never disrespected my mother-in-law the way she has disrespected me. To add insult to injury, and consequently, over time, my husband's family held this incident so much against me that my husband and I finally got a divorce & I have since moved back to my original home state. I still have no contact with my son or his children.

I'm broken. :(

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2010, 08:07:07 PM »
Welcome - I'm so sorry you have been through so much. We are all pretty familiar with how that feels. And I don't think there is one person here who hasn't experienced how "broken" feels. Thank you for joining us and sharing the specifics of your heartbreak. It often helps to vent here on the unfairness and the shock of having it in your life. This is a place to heal and to find a way to go on: to find the beginnings of self love and to be supported. Blessings, Luise
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 08:58:13 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2010, 08:47:30 PM »
Dear Jazmin,
I am so sorry you are going through this!  How horrible to have this happen but to also have your husband's family turn against you and your husband too.  I have no idea why this stranger from space has invaded your life.  She obviously has taken over your son completely.  Such a down in the garbage way of speaking this woman has.  "We forgive you but choose not to have anything else to do with you?"  Just heartbreaking.  I just wanted to tell you that I am with you in spirit and do hope that you will see your son one day soon because when you do, however long it might be, you will see what a sad man he has become. He was in an abusive relationship before he met her (his wife was cheating on him) so I guess he goes for that kind of woman.  No sane person could do this and not be sorry later. Keep your spirits up by reading here.   :'(

Offline Nana

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2010, 09:43:34 PM »
Dear Jazmin:

You have all the right to feel heart-broken.  Your son and dil abused you.....financially and emotionally.  All these events changed your life.    I do hope that some day your son come to his senses and realize the kind of woman he married.   You have to be very brave....and start all over again.  You have a life.....live it to your fullest.  Letting go of son and gc will not be easy. It isnt fair....but life isnt fair many times.    Many ladies here are or have  been in your shoes.  Cant tell you what to do.  For the moment....I cant think of a solution to your problem.  It is not inyour power.  The ball is on their court.   

Just know that we are all here for you...when you need to vent.  We make ourselves stronger through shared experiences.

I will definitely keep you in my prayers.  You have to find your peace.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

free_at_last

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2010, 05:30:49 AM »
Jazmin...I agree your situation is heartbreaking and they have been awful to you, but do you think there might be more going on here than simply an out of control DIL?  These online MMORPG games are great fun for some people but for a few people they can turn into a serious addiction that is as much of a sickness as alcoholism or drug addiction.  Some of the things you have written really concern me....the isolating themselves from you, shunning you in favor of strangers that play this game, money problems, etc.  For some people, these games seriously become their life and they become unable to cope with reality.  Maybe this isn't the case at all but I just wanted to mention it in case you hadn't thought of it. Some of the things in your post immediately raised red flags for me.

barelythere

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2010, 06:21:59 AM »
Jazmin...I agree your situation is heartbreaking and they have been awful to you, but do you think there might be more going on here than simply an out of control DIL?  These online MMORPG games are great fun for some people but for a few people they can turn into a serious addiction that is as much of a sickness as alcoholism or drug addiction.  Some of the things you have written really concern me....the isolating themselves from you, shunning you in favor of strangers that play this game, money problems, etc.  For some people, these games seriously become their life and they become unable to cope with reality.  Maybe this isn't the case at all but I just wanted to mention it in case you hadn't thought of it. Some of the things in your post immediately raised red flags for me.

Jazmin,
I agree.  It looks like they are caught up in a cult.  I've never heard of this game but what FALast said sounds like it might be right on the money.  Hope you're okay today.

Hope

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2010, 07:27:59 AM »
Jazmin,
I feel sad for you - all the loses in your recent life.  It's a lot to swallow.  Stay strong, visit here as much as you want to find the support you need.  You have nothing to apologize for - what are they talking about?  Forgiving you for WHAT?  They are the ones who should be begging for your forgiveness.  Maybe the MMORPG gaming activities they are involved in are cult-like, but you have no control over your ds/dil or their practices.  I wouldn't even be surprised if they took you for more money just to disappoint you again if you try to stay in contact with them. Trying to make contact with your ds/dil is only going to make things worse imho.  I really wish you could have a relationship with them, but it has to be two ways.  And if they decide to contact you, great!  I say, go for it - but don't give them another cent!  I know you don't want to hear it, but starting over for you is the healthiest and best thing you can do for yourself.   My advice, for what it's worth, is to just move on.  One day your ds may wake up to reality and come wouldn't expect anything - don't set yourself up for disappointment.  Try to act like they don't exist and do your best to start over.  Like Luise always says in so many words  looking for you.  Let him take the next step.  I know it will be hard b/c if it ever happens it may take years, but trying to contact them is only making matters worse.  And your gc?  Maybe one day your xdil may need you to babysit - who knows?  Like Luise always says in so many words (I hope I'm not misrepresenting you, Luise), you had happiness before you had children/husband - and you are capable of having it again without them............in time.  It won't be easy - you are going to continue to have some hard days ahead.  That's what wwu is here for - to help you through.
Hugs, Hope

Meangals

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2010, 09:33:04 AM »
Jazmin your story and pain are all too familiar.  I too have a DIL that is demanding, possessive and curt with me but only when my son is not around.  She displays a different attitude with me when he is present and it's fake.  As soon as he heads out the door another women emerges!  The one that emerges is the side of her that resents his love for me as his mother.  What the DIL in this day does not respect or understand is that THEY are the LOVER's and We are our son's mother's.  It's truly different relationship.  The dynamic explodes when the DIL feels we are competing with her for our son's.  Which is a mental instability on their part.  I am not the meddlilng typf of MIL however; I do try to keep in touch with him every few weeks via phone or texting.  I have visited them and the DIL takes it upon herself to look at his cell phone when he is receiving incoming calls, she will pick it up to show him who is calling and when I ask him a question, she will answer before he can!  It's as if his voice and reason do not matter she has all the answers.  He has walked out on her a few times due to the need to be so controlling.  When he has done this she can't stop calling me for advise or to just be nosey to see if I have heard from him.  Another factor is her mother is always flying across the states to visit them.  She is married herself but constantly is in their business.  I am at the point where this pain has really had me down some days but I have realized that you cannot change others and you cannot make people think differently.  What you can do is be your very best, look your best, keep busy and practice a LOVE and LIGHT attitude to keep the universe sending good and positive your way.  Spitting venom at someone that this toxic is not going to make llife happier.  Happiness is from within and any person that could be so mean and thoughtless is proof positive that they are unhappy in life.  I have realized that our son's allow most of this to happen by being either HEN-PECKED or by refusing to deal with the truth of their wives because it's easier on them.  It does feel like a death to lose your son but remember YOU ARE THE MOTEHR!  You are now and always will be!  Wives can be replaced but you only GET ONE MOM!  Keep that in mind and keep truckin because life is too short.  Our children do come around one day but it's the in between that can hurt.  Keep the high WATCH and meditate good thoughts.  It can only help.  Surely it's helped me.

barelythere

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2010, 09:41:27 AM »
Jazmin your story and pain are all too familiar.  I too have a DIL that is demanding, possessive and curt with me but only when my son is not around.  She displays a different attitude with me when he is present and it's fake.  As soon as he heads out the door another women emerges!  The one that emerges is the side of her that resents his love for me as his mother.  What the DIL in this day does not respect or understand is that THEY are the LOVER's and We are our son's mother's.  It's truly different relationship.  The dynamic explodes when the DIL feels we are competing with her for our son's.  Which is a mental instability on their part.  I am not the meddlilng typf of MIL however; I do try to keep in touch with him every few weeks via phone or texting.  I have visited them and the DIL takes it upon herself to look at his cell phone when he is receiving incoming calls, she will pick it up to show him who is calling and when I ask him a question, she will answer before he can!  It's as if his voice and reason do not matter she has all the answers.  He has walked out on her a few times due to the need to be so controlling.  When he has done this she can't stop calling me for advise or to just be nosey to see if I have heard from him.  Another factor is her mother is always flying across the states to visit them.  She is married herself but constantly is in their business.  I am at the point where this pain has really had me down some days but I have realized that you cannot change others and you cannot make people think differently.  What you can do is be your very best, look your best, keep busy and practice a LOVE and LIGHT attitude to keep the universe sending good and positive your way.  Spitting venom at someone that this toxic is not going to make llife happier.  Happiness is from within and any person that could be so mean and thoughtless is proof positive that they are unhappy in life.  I have realized that our son's allow most of this to happen by being either HEN-PECKED or by refusing to deal with the truth of their wives because it's easier on them.  It does feel like a death to lose your son but remember YOU ARE THE MOTEHR!  You are now and always will be!  Wives can be replaced but you only GET ONE MOM!  Keep that in mind and keep truckin because life is too short.  Our children do come around one day but it's the in between that can hurt.  Keep the high WATCH and meditate good thoughts.  It can only help.  Surely it's helped me.

BEEN THERE!!

I haven't heard "hen pecked" in a long time but when is the last time you've seen a man portrayed on TV or the movies who wasn't hen pecked?  Personally, JUST MY OPINION! but I could not be married to a hen pecked man. 

Meangals

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #9 on: October 20, 2010, 11:07:00 AM »
Barelythere, yes some of our son's are so hen-pecked they've lost all their feathers!  LMAO!!!

Surely, time will resolve all of this for each and everyone of us moms.  In this life I would have never thought that I would have to vie for my son due to a jealous DIL.  I am in pretty good shape, I work out and I am fairly young looking at 50 yo.  My son compliments me all the time and you know what?  The DIL and her mom get a jealous look on their faces when he complimenting me in a new outfit!  This is insame.  The most pitiful part is that he's wealthy and before he got the money they were so into constantly calling me to be friends and just chit chat.  As soon as he got the money and married her....... BLAM!  She turned about face against me.  It was astonished.  It's as if I was dealing with an alien.   I fly to see them a couple of times per year and when I do I always have to deal with the MIL.  It's bizarre.  When I visit she has to visit also??????  I don't need her company to have fun with my son and DIL.  They are expecting now so I can only imagine the MIL totally moving to be near the grandbaby or leaving her husband to move in with them or monopolizing the baby.  I still have a teen daughter, his sister to raise and I am happliy married to his step dad, and I work full time so I have a  full plate.   I jave just decided to let him call and text me first before I make the attempt because I know the DIL intercepts some of my messages and packages.  It's a shame but DIL's like this are like drug stores...they are everywhere!  Don't ever let the DIL take your JOY and most of all you will regain the closeness with the son that was once YOUR BOY!!!  WWU stay positive.  We have too or we'll constantly be in tears.

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2010, 07:58:01 AM »
Jazmin, your story is indeed sad.  They very much used you in this situation.  But the other posters are right on track.  Time to pick yourself up, learn from what they did and move on.  It is totally out of your hands now and hopefully your son will take a stand and come back into your life someday.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL is OoC ! - "Out of Control!
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2010, 08:04:43 AM »
Best wishes, Jazmin. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb