Author Topic: newbe  (Read 1148 times)

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erma

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newbe
« on: October 01, 2010, 01:27:34 PM »
new to this site, glad i found a place to vent and get advice. so, here goes. we have a DIL who refuses to let us in to her life, let alone our 1 1/2 yr old grandson. we have had our words in the past (4 yrs ago) and she refuses to let us see our grandson. Our son, was raised with "family first" attitude, he at first was reluctant to bend to her, but now lets her  control his every move. she is rude, condescending, and wont even look us in the eye when we try to converse with her. since we had words over 4 years ago,(which she started by the way, calling me a B*&%$) she will not let our son talk to us, or come over to our house, unless shes with him. if he speaks to us on the phone, it must be on speaker. i know he needs a spine, but we are heart broken about not seeing our only grandchild. i could understand if i were a meddling gramma, but i NEVER have been. its as if she cut him out of our family, (our total family members aunts, uncles, moms dads, are 32) and pasted him into hers. i have tried talking, writing, shopping for her, emailing, everything i can think of, nothing has helped my situation. we would love her to be a part of our family, and be a part of hers as well. i understand she comes first in his life, I'm the one who on his wedding day said to him, "someday she will be first in your life, believe in love son" and i still believe in that, but i didn't sign up for this. at the moment she isn't speaking to us at all. sooooooooooo need some advice, i miss my son and grandson so!
 :'(

cremebrulee

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Re: newbe
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2010, 01:51:47 PM »
new to this site, glad i found a place to vent and get advice. so, here goes. we have a DIL who refuses to let us in to her life, let alone our 1 1/2 yr old grandson. we have had our words in the past (4 yrs ago) and she refuses to let us see our grandson. Our son, was raised with "family first" attitude, he at first was reluctant to bend to her, but now lets her  control his every move. she is rude, condescending, and wont even look us in the eye when we try to converse with her. since we had words over 4 years ago,(which she started by the way, calling me a B*&%$) she will not let our son talk to us, or come over to our house, unless shes with him. if he speaks to us on the phone, it must be on speaker. i know he needs a spine, but we are heart broken about not seeing our only grandchild. i could understand if i were a meddling gramma, but i NEVER have been. its as if she cut him out of our family, (our total family members aunts, uncles, moms dads, are 32) and pasted him into hers. i have tried talking, writing, shopping for her, emailing, everything i can think of, nothing has helped my situation. we would love her to be a part of our family, and be a part of hers as well. i understand she comes first in his life, I'm the one who on his wedding day said to him, "someday she will be first in your life, believe in love son" and i still believe in that, but i didn't sign up for this. at the moment she isn't speaking to us at all. sooooooooooo need some advice, i miss my son and grandson so!
 :'(

Hi Erma, and welcome
this was so painful to read, and I can't tell you how sad it is to know your experiencing this...

I'm sorry to say, that I have no advice other then, you have what we call the extreme DIL, who as long as your son allows her to bully everyone, she will continue...

She needs professional counseling...somewhere in her childhood, she had a very distrusting life...she is insecure and immature, controlling and just down right self indulgent....she doesn't even realize the hurt she is causing others, and what's worse, doesn't care....

I know this must be a nightmare for you, and all I can do is, suggest to seek out counseling to help you learn how to deal with this...

No one should have to know this kind of life, however, your son is an adult, and he should never allow himself to be treated like this, as well as his family...so, he needs counseling to, to find out why he deems this behavior normal? 

Hugs to you and I'm sorry I don't have more encouraging words...at this time. 

And Erma, it's not you, anyone this woman would have married she would have treated the same way, this is her MO...it has nothing to do with you...it's her. 

Hugs
Creme

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: newbe
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2010, 02:15:11 PM »
Erma, welcome. I'm in a very similar situation as you. Miss my son and GD dearly...even miss my DIL. I have learned here that it isn't really about me and I cannot control this or make sense over something that makes no sense.
My heart is with you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: newbe
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2010, 02:55:20 PM »
Hang in here with us and you may start to get a sense of balance concerning this insanity. You are fine. Keep repeating that to yourself and soon you will be helping others here...pick up the pieces and go on. It's terrible and self-love is the way to heal when you are ready.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Nana

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Re: newbe
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2010, 03:09:39 PM »
Erma:

Welcome to this my favorite site.  All ladies here are awesome.....
Sorry for all the pain you are enduring. 
Cant think of any advice here.....words spoken....cant take them back.  It only comes to mind that we have to take care of what we speak.  Some words cut more than a knife. 
When I got married....my mother gave me an advice.....she said "Never disrespect one another" if you do something very special in your relationship will be broken.  Think than speak"   Did I listened?  lol......not going to tell you  ja ja....my secret.  But I do agree that we sometimes speak because we have a mouth....where is our brain when we are angry?   

There is a lot of mending to do....can think how to start....
Some Wise ladies will surely advice.....not inspired in this moment.

You can also vent though....we are here to support you

Hugs
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

erma

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Re: newbe
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2010, 03:14:48 PM »
thank you  for your kind words. im hoping this will resolve soon, but i fear it will take years. i pray that she will someday, very soon, be whole so that she may trust in others and know that family is what matters, and we are here for her, in all that she does. thats how my children were raised.

Offline Nana

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Re: newbe
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2010, 03:28:06 PM »
I agree with Miss Understood.....It isnt ábout you anymore.  You have to hold on, pray and hope that she comes to her senses.      As Luise says....cant make sense of insanity. 

I will keep you in my prayers....hold on

Hugs
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Barbie

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Re: newbe
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2010, 05:45:50 PM »
Erma, my situation is very similar to yours except that for the past few months DIL has allowed us to see our GD about once every 5-6 weeks?. It's a nightmare that we have no control of.
DS has told me it may take DIL years to come around if ever. I pray a lot.

Mamaw313

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Re: newbe
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2010, 01:03:30 PM »
I feel your pain and I am going thru the same thing. I agree with a previous poster that said they BOTH need counceling if our sons allow themselves to be manipulated and pushed around by a crazy wife. I read on another post something that may help us both. The person was advised that it may be a good thing if we don't see our Grandchildren as often as we like. It is our childrens job to raise and discipline their own children. We are there as a BONUS!!! I know it may not help much, but it it what I am clinging to to get thru the pain myself. Hope it helps.