Author Topic: Please help me understand  (Read 2591 times)

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Kay

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Please help me understand
« on: September 23, 2010, 06:34:32 AM »
Hello all, First of all, thank you so much for being here. I am a 62 year old woman, have 2 married sons, and 4 grand children. My issue is with my daughter in law. I do not understand her though I have been having this same problem for about 6 years. At first when she started talking to me about her problems I was kinda flattered that she thought enough of me to confide. Plus I felt very sorry for her as her own mom has paranoid schitzophrenia and has made her life very difficult. But now it has evolved into an almost daily complaint session from her. When I say she complains about everything, I am not exaggerating, ie. the kids, her Husband, who happens to be my son, Hello?, her job, the bills, the housework, the pets, having to cook and clean, lack of help from hubby and kids, she has to do everything with no help, etc, etc, etc I have tried to tell her that it not acceptable to vent to me on a daily basis, works for a short time then poof, off she goes again. As strange as it may sound, I truly care about her and also worry about her, I don't know whether she is depressed or a deeply unhappy person or is she just a person who thinks the way to talk is to complain all the time. It is hard on me to try to maintain a relationship with her, she is so negative. I try to include her in my life, take her shopping with me, bring her goodies, watch the kids. My husband thinks I have done so much for her that she just takes me for granted and has reached the point where she expects me to be her do all person. He says I am too eager to help her that I am actually causing it to be more of a problem. He says I am her crutch. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading. Kay

Louey0727

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2010, 08:12:05 AM »
HI Kay:
Welcome!Continue to stay and you will receive very informative and useful resources and answers to your problem.  I cannot give you any advice, other than I do agree with your husband, that you are a "crutch" for her and you are enabling her to use you as a sound board.  Are you trying to be a "replacement mother"?  Remember, Dear, you are the MIL and when she does not need your support any longer - - that is exactly what you will be the Mother-in-law.
If you read the problems regarding our sons and daughters, not the problem you are facing but a form of pulling away when things get rough gives you some peace and time to think things out rationally.  Do not try to be so available, you are taking on too much at this point.  Like I said, there will be day that she does not rely on you so much and you will even have more problems.  The problem being, you will believe that you have been used.
Just wait for the responses from all the wonderful kind ladies on this site, believe me, you will get good sound advice.
Thanks for joining us.

Kay

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2010, 09:57:29 AM »
Hello again, Thank you Helen for your quick and kind response. I tend to be an emotional person, too much empathy I guess. But if it is giving me anxiety and depression I know I need to find solutions for myself before I can help others. My hubby nicknamed me The Fixer upper cause I try to solve everyones problems for them. But thank you again for taking the time to help a stranger with your healing words. Have a wonderful day.  Kay

Sunny1

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2010, 10:50:51 AM »
Hi Kay  :)

I don't know that I'll be of much help. But I can say I've had experience with schizophrenics. Those that I had dealt with tended to have a negative perspective of life amongst  the symptoms of their disease. Since you said that DIL's own mother has schizophrenia, then that's all dil has known and been raised by, therefore it may be the only way she knows how to react to things.

Take a step back, and give yourself some breathing room. It's good that you get along with DIL, but she may just very well need a little bit of therapy for all that she's dealt with because of her own mother...and I hope that doesn't come across as harsh or bad, just that, like I've said, being around someone with a disease like that can be extremely emotionally exhausting. She may not even  realize it herself, since it was her 'normal'.

Kudos to you, for having the understanding and caring heart that you've had for her.

(((hugs)))


Offline Pooh

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2010, 10:51:48 AM »
Welcome Kay and hang in there.  It is hard when someone takes advantage of your kind nature.  I have known people that are plain negative all the time, and I have never understood it.  There is probably 100 different reasons someone could be that way, but to me, I couldn't stand to be that miserable all the time. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

barelythere

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2010, 11:51:40 AM »
HI Kay:
Welcome!Continue to stay and you will receive very informative and useful resources and answers to your problem.  I cannot give you any advice, other than I do agree with your husband, that you are a "crutch" for her and you are enabling her to use you as a sound board.  Are you trying to be a "replacement mother"?  Remember, Dear, you are the MIL and when she does not need your support any longer - - that is exactly what you will be the Mother-in-law.
If you read the problems regarding our sons and daughters, not the problem you are facing but a form of pulling away when things get rough gives you some peace and time to think things out rationally.  Do not try to be so available, you are taking on too much at this point.  Like I said, there will be day that she does not rely on you so much and you will even have more problems.  The problem being, you will believe that you have been used.
Just wait for the responses from all the wonderful kind ladies on this site, believe me, you will get good sound advice.
Thanks for joining us.

This makes so much sense to me! After all I've read, this hit me as "it".  I was used and yes, I thought she really loved me. I am such a sucker and a softie.  When the time came that she no longer needed me, I was thrown out (that's what it feels like) The only thing that matters to the son is "is the wife happy" (if Mama ain't happy) so Mama is now the wife.  I practically raised the kids!! To look into the empty eyes of our son, it kills me but there is nothing I can do about it anymore. 

Don't be her slave.  Just don't.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2010, 01:27:09 PM »
Hang in there...we're all learning the same lessons here in one way or another! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2010, 01:48:43 PM »
Kay, welcome. I was once in your shoes...with my DIL. She confided in me way too much, used me as a sounding board. Once she texted me that her and my son had a bad fight and he threw his wedding ring accross the room and took his hunting rifle and said he was going to kill himself...please call him....please call him. I didn't want to get involved in their marital problems or wanted to know they had problems either. But, since she claimed my son was going to hurt himself, I called him and of course left a message. I thought if he did hurt himself and I knew he threatened it, I would feel awful and guilty forever. Next day, my DS asked me why I had interfered. When I told him his wife called and said... He said, "NO, she did not." I said, yes she did and I have texts to prove it...well, she got on the phone and denied it in front of him and called me a liar. That was the start of the brainwashing. She thought she could vent and say what ever she wanted to me, like I was a girlfriend and not expect that there were concequences for it. She isn't your friend and she isn't your daughter and there is a fine line of knowing too much of your DS and DIL's relationship. I would simply tell her you are uncomfortable discussing personal things regarding your DS and children with her and suggest she would be better suited talking to a girlfriend...I wouldn't say therapist or counselor because that could set off world war III.
Good luck in this...really, there is no sense in senseless and there is no easy way to find a solution for problems with your DIL. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Take care of you first and she will figure out a new avenue if you are not available.

BEST WISHES

barelythere

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2010, 02:03:44 PM »
I feel sorry for us.  :(  Must get rid of that but some days I can and some day, no, I can't.  I loved that boy so much!  I'm worried, so worried about him.  He is so pre-occupied, he can't focus on anything.  I have no way of finding out what is wrong.  No one to ask.  I have a bad feeling.  He's very successful and very, very everything else.

Offline Nana

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2010, 03:14:37 PM »
I agree with the Ladies Kay.  You have to step back.  You are not her friend or confident....even less so if you are the mother of her husband.   She cannot be venting and complaining about his son with you....hello!   It could be normal once in a while but not all the time.  Mothers in your position dont know what to do....it is about your son she is complaining. 

I also thinkthat she is blackmailing you.  She complains so much that you help her more and more....and she uses it to her advantage.   Couples have their own issues......you should not be part of it.  Besides, it is not fair that she worries you all the time.  We all have our own little hell....why be invited to their own. 

You love her and have a very warm personality but this could bring you a lot of problems later on.  When she starts complaining, please change the subject....and if she insists... make yourself clear about not wanting to know all that is happening because you only worry.

Do you live with them?  If not....you should not visit so frequently and put yourself in this position.

I hope everything works out fine for you.

Hugs
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2010, 03:59:05 PM »
Your subject line is about understanding. We don't and can't understand the insanity, craziness and nonsensical.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kay

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2010, 05:44:27 AM »
Hello again, First of all, may I say many many thanks to all of you folks who took the time to respond to my post. YOU GUYS TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!! You are the bestest. Anyway, I told DIL semi jokingly that she could only call me every other day with bad news, not every day. And I expected her to call with good news, 2 good for every bad. Well, yesterday for the first time in I don't know how long, she did not call. Only thing I can think is A. She had nothing good to say B. She only had bad to say and honored my request (WOW??) or C. I made her angry for standing up for me and didn't call cause she is in a snit. Whatever the reason, hubby and I had a pretty nice evening together, even went out for an ice cream cone. Fun and relaxing. However, I have to confess, every time the phone rang yesterday, I stiffened in anticipation and dread. Also when I was preparing to go to bed last night I found myself worrying about what could possibly be wrong but I finally talked myself out of it. She has really got a control thing going on me, probably because I have given her permission by being so passive. Well, I will have to learn to climb the hill before I can attempt the mountain. Baby steps first, huh? Thanks again to you lovely caring people. Kay

Offline Pooh

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2010, 05:50:06 AM »
Way to go Kay! ((You get the snoopy happy dance...la...la...la...la))
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2010, 10:32:03 AM »
No news is good news. 

You hang on there!

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Kay

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Re: Please help me understand
« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2010, 02:29:18 PM »
Oh my goodness, please someoone talk to me please. I just went to my granddaughters soccer game and of course my DIL was there. She was white as a ghost and dropped a bombshell on me. She said my son had asked for a weeks seperation cause he doesn't know how to talk to her. When she talks he cannot think of anything to say. He told her he loves her and the kids but he needs a week apart. I do not understand and I cannot get my husband to call him or go over there to talk to him. He thinks our son will get angry if he knows she has told us. I have beeen trying unsuccessfully to get my husband to call him since we got home. I think my son is depressed cause he is sleep deprived, he works 3rd shift and has a real hard time sleeping during the day. I am heartbroken for the whole family, they are so deep in debt and if she doesn't have him, she will lose the house cause she only works 5 hours a day. and there are just no jobs right now. I am so confused and depressed. What is going on? I just don't understand. Please pray for my son and his family. I am so scared.  Kay