Author Topic: Thank you  (Read 777 times)

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Thank you
« on: September 21, 2010, 12:58:01 PM »
I realized today while reading Keys Girl's "retaliation" posting to me that I am.....well, I'm lots of things, and I'm NOT lots of things.

First, I am still very hurt and angry in my own situation.  I, and we, are working through it through counseling...but I'm certainly not over it, and I'm still very emotional and hurt over the damage that's been done to our marriage and to my own spirit.  I just feel run-down and mowed-over.  I'm angry at my MIL for attempting to destroy our marriage in any way she could.  I'm angry at DH for taking so dang long to establish boundaries and hold her to them.  I'm angry at myself for not running away when I had the chance.  I'm hurt and I'm very resentful of DH and his mother alike...I'm recovering, but I'm not in any condition emotionally to be offering advice to anyone. 

Second, I'm still somehow comparing every MIL to my own, and that's awful.  I don't want to do it.  I read story after story after story and I simply haven't gotten past the stage of grouping you all together.  Deep down I know that not all MILs are the same, but when MILs on here use the exact same verbiage and "tone" that my own MIL uses, and they use the same excuses, the same head-strong unadaptive cliches that I've heard my own MIL use a thousand angers me.  It makes me want to shake those people and say "WAKE UP!  Do you realize what a horse's butt you're being?!?!?!  Do you  know how YOU are contributing to this nightmare you're posting about?!?!?!  WAKE UP!!!"  I can't and shouldn't do that.  I need to get to the place where I can separate myself and my situation from yours.  I know that not all of you are guilty, some of you are saints and are in the situations you're in undeservingly.  I can't and shouldn't distinguish, nor is it my place to make that kind of judgement. 

Third, I have gotten completely wrapped up in this website and your stories.  In my situation, in your situations, in who-said-what in what thread, in remembering the details of everyone's story, who posted what in response to whom....etc.  This site is needed, absolutely.  But I have devoted a lot of time here, when I should be focusing on my faith, my child, my marriage, my family, my friends, and my work.  And if someday after all of those things have been attended to and I can find the time or the way to accomodate working it out with my MIL then great.  If not, at least I can know I didn't spend my time wallowing in it and seeking a pity-party for the woes of what could have been. 

This site has been helpful in coping with that situation, but I have let the advice given to me here substitute advice from our counselor and also my own intuition.  Although it has given me the perspective of the good, decent MILs & DILs, it has also opened my eyes to the rotten ones and their disasterous potential.  For that I am thankful, but also somewhat jaded.  My guard is up higher than it ever has been before.  I am finding myself skeptical and therefore critical....and that's just not my nature, nor my place. 

Post-MIL, I have turned into someone I don't even like to be around.  I'm not the woman, wife, or mother I was before all this.  I have lost my virtue, and lost a lot of faith in women and in family alike.  This isn't me.  I don't know how much this site contributed to that, maybe nothing.  But I know my focus needs to be repairing my marriage and saving my own family and spending so much time on this site won't help me do that.   

Best wishes to all of you.   

Offline Pooh

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Re: Thank you
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2010, 01:59:28 PM »
MP, I for one have enjoyed reading you and getting your perspectives.  I don't always agree with everyone on here, but I do know that we all are working for a common goal, learning to better ourselves.  Each one of us must seek our own journey to that goal, choosing our own paths to get there.  My path has doors labled to the right and left as I travel.  One door says "Crying Room".  The next says "Anger Room".  My next door says, "Pity Me Room".  My fourth door says, "Research Room", followed by "Denial Room" and on and on.  I stumble down my path, visiting these rooms.  At times, I get very far down the path and have to turn around and come back to a couple of those doors.  I am finding mixed in between those doors, new ones are appearing.  I spent a week in the "Smiling Room", and several days in the "Laughter Room".   My favorite room so far has been the "Blessing Room."  And I am finding myself in these rooms now more than the others. Each week, I find myself further down the path and I see more doors coming my way.  I am now excited to see what is on those doors.

I truly hope you travel your own path, your own way and get to your ultimate destination.  I will miss you here but wish you the best of luck in your travels.  I also hope that someday, you will check back in and let us know how you are doing.  Best Wishes.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Thank you
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2010, 02:25:23 PM »
Miss Priss

I am truly sorry that you will not be with us anymore.  I always read and respected your point of view.  I know there are terrible mil out there....and believe me.......even if some of the excuses you read and sound like your mil,  some of us really tried to be the best mils because we dreamt about having a good relationship with our son/daughter's family and thus be close to our grandchildren.  Due to the bad, witchy mils, many of us get to pay the price.  We were labeled and daughters-in-law went into marriage with a defensive attitude.  Some mils were not even given a chance to be tested.   That was my case.  I had to cut myself off.....distanced myself, and she did realized we were only there to help them in anyway, thus respecting their privacy.    Now I know she says to people that she is blessed having her mother and mil always helping her out. 

I surely liked to see the way that dil's see things.  It helped me even become a better mil.  Thank you for  helping this forum know what a bad mil can do to a marriage.   We should always care more for our children having a good happy family than having a good relationship with us. 

I do think that you can regain all that you lost with this mil problem.  You should also forgive your husband totally for not supporting you at times.  He was pressured and did not give you your place but you can rebuild your relationship with him and understand that it was hard for him too.

I will miss you Miss Priss

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


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Re: Thank you
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2010, 03:36:02 PM »
I'm so sorry to see you go...and I hope it's only temporary, I've seen your posts and they are extremely good.

I want to ask you a see me struggle from time to time with the ladies...b/c I'm trying so darn hard to help everyone understand, we have to look at the other person with compassion and try to figure out why she may feel like've heard the saying, keep your enemies close...well, it's true...there are some MIL's and DIL's who are just plain toxic, but none of us really know each other, all we can do is trust by what we see in words, and trust our intuition....

What I'm saying is, Keys is very upset now...very upset...I know the decission she made was a hard one for her to make, she wasn't lashing out at you, she was angry and frustrated with the entire situation with her son and dil....

Each of us has our own feelings and they are valid and very important, and we have to remember, when we come here to post....that when people are suggesting things that is all they are suggestions...nothing more, and maybe we can build on that, maybe not....but some where along the line....we've all got to realize, that if someone posts something indifferent, it doesn't mean they are saying anyh one of us is wrong...what they are saying is, maybe, your MIL/DIL are not able to view it like any of us do...and we've can't intersect our own DIL's with the ones here, while MIL's can't view any DIL's here as they're own...and most of all, take offense to suggestions....

We are here for answers on how to better the situation, so, it would be wise if we all looked at a broader picture, b/c knowledge is power...and the more we learn about the situation, the more it may help us...
not everyone is going to like what we say all the time, you know that, and people are o edge, hurt and frustrated, so the littlest thing we write may upset them so, don't take it personal if at all possible.  I think your great.

So, don't beat yourself up girl, you've got a lot on your plate, and I do hope when the sun comes up in the morning, you see things in a different light....your a very good writer, I envy your ability to write as you do....

and if you stay away, you've gotta do what is best for you and family right, please know we love you and care and totally understand...

wishing you the best...

« Last Edit: September 21, 2010, 03:39:58 PM by cremebrulee »


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Re: Thank you
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2010, 01:27:13 PM »
Nooooooo!! (sob sob)

I enjoyed reading your posts so much and having someone with this in common with, it was so therapeutic for me to hear your take on it, you have so much of it figured out and it was helping me heal from the MIL situation that I am in so much.

I am not on here all that much anymore, this is not good news for me :C