Author Topic: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS  (Read 6774 times)

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Offline Miss Understood

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Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« on: September 17, 2010, 08:10:12 PM »
Well, had dinner with my family tonight and was looking at pics on my mom's camera and there were pics of DS, DIL and GD from July. For 3 months they let me believe that my DS and DIL ousted the whole family...they watched me cry, worry and be beside myself. Never did they ever admit or tell me that he had made contact with them. I asked them several times and even tonight when I saw the pics, My mom lied and said her camera date was wrong and then my dad admitted that he talked to him and my DS said he wanted to talk to me but wanted to on his terms when I would not yell at him....This from a boy/man who screamed obsenities at his mother for 41 minutes as she apologized for something ridiculous. If I had only known that my DS had been talking to my parents, It would have changed my life. I wasted 3 months of my life in total dispair and thought that this whole thing brought my relationship with my parents to a much stronger place... I must have said I was sorry to my parents for hurting them ever at least 2000 times...then they lie and watch me suffer and then lie again.
I am beside myself tonight for sure....how do you even comprehend this one?
« Last Edit: September 17, 2010, 09:06:54 PM by Miss Understood »

barelythere

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2010, 08:18:11 PM »
Miss Understood, why do you think your mom and dad would do this to you? I don't understand.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2010, 08:23:12 PM »
You step back and focus elsewhere so it will become smaller not bigger. You don't feel sorry for yourself and you don't try to understand. You step back. You have a life that is non-biological. You are a person and a pianist. for starters. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2010, 08:54:17 PM »
At first I was so smacked beside the head....now...after my dad called me and I thought he was going to apologize to me and he didn't, but made all sorts of excuses why they "didn't" lie, but "omitted" because how they thought I would get mad at them for seeing my son and just because I don't have a good relationship with him, why shouldn't they have one.....Isn't this like more reinforcement to my son that he doesn't and shouldn't respect his mother when her own parents don't even show her respect.

I swear....I am a good person, a terrific mother and a not so perfect daughter, but I always apologize and try to right the wrong and since this happened with my son...I have said I am sorry for any wrong doing to my folks atleast 2000 times and asked them to forgive me. They saw me suffer....they saw me and watched me suffer knowing that he didn't oust the WHOLE family...and was just giving me the silent treatment for a while. They encouraged him, I am sure....they were silent treatment givers. OMG....what world is this I am living in?

I had a feeling and I mentioned it a few days ago to my mom and I asked her if they had heard from him and my mom said no....I told my husband and another dear friend of my suspicions and it was weird how the pictures on the camera had the date and when I said something my mom lied about that and said her camera date thing is broken....I then looked at my dad and said, "PLEASE" They all stood there and watched the hurt and then justify why they did it and my reaction...they are worried about my reaction???? They should have thought about my reaction 3 months ago....It is all mute...To them, It is my fault, they have an excuse and then, "well, he is alive and you should be grateful" Like when I had breast cancer and had a double mastectomy..."you should be happy you are alive and not worry about not having breasts"

AM I SO WRONG for thinking this is demented????

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2010, 08:59:00 PM »
BTW...Thanks for letting me vent....I really need to get this out. I have never been so mad in my whole life!!!!

barelythere

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2010, 09:22:01 PM »
I am so sorry,  Miss U.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2010, 10:57:35 PM »
No you aren't wrong. Who in the world would like that scenario? Now, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug from all of us.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2010, 11:08:56 PM »
Miss U, I'm glad you're able to share this stuff in a safe place. Not to excuse anyone's DIL or DS, but I agree that the problems can go way deeper than the two of them. I'm sorry you're going through this; I know how it feels to be betrayed by my FOO. Not fun.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Nana

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2010, 12:00:47 AM »
Miss Understood:

It is good you are venting because at times it is the only thing that can makes us feel better.  I would feel the same way you are feeling.  Dont know what to say.....how could they look you in the eye and lie?  Dont Understand.  We as parents teach our children about honesty and our children have all the right to expect the same from us.   

You need time to adjust to this new situation.   The more you think about it, the more you will exarberate your wound.   You need time for yourself without your parents around for some time and then... only God knows.  I hope you will be able to forgive them because they hurt you even if they did not mean to, and also because they are your parents and you dont need more problems now.  Of course they were afraid of your reaction if they told you because they let time pass without informing you.  If I had been your mother I would have told you since the beginning letting you know I would still have contact with grandson.  It would have hurt probably but not to this extent.

I will have you in my prayers. 
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2010, 12:21:01 AM »
Nana - I love your posts! They are wise and comforting at the same time. This sentence touched me: "The more you think about it, the more you will exacerbate your wound." Your are such an advocate of kindness.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2010, 04:49:57 AM »
You know the really sad thing about all this....I was worried so much about how my DS was treating my parents too. How many posts did I put on here that my mom was dying and my DS was giving them the silent treatment too. I not only expelled my energy for my sadness, but the sadness for them and the rest of the family. I now have to face the fact that my relationship with all my family is so damaged beyond repair and now I have to look at my DS as part of the problem of making this into a nightmare...he isn't that sweet little baby I was missing anymore. I'm o.k....just gonna have to change how I am feeling about me...who ever I am :-[

1Glitterati

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2010, 06:19:03 AM »
I know from experience you can't dictate to people who they can and can't have a relationship.  You can't force other people not to see someone just because you don't.

We gave dh's parents an ultimatum and they didn't choose us.  It took that person doing the exact same thing to them that he did to us in order for them to see it.

The il's are back in our lives...but it'll never be the same again.  I don't trust them 100% any more.  You may find it's the same with your parents.

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2010, 06:27:55 AM »
Glitterati: I didn't dicate to them to NOT see my son. If you read any of my previous posts...I felt bad that the silent treatment thing had trickled to the whole family and I had hoped my DS would make contact with my parents because my mom is very ill and I had felt bad that they got drug into it. They misled me and lied for 3 months not letting me know they were in contact with my son and after seeing me so distraught and asking them frequently if they had heard from him....they never said a word. My life would have been so different and my DH and DD's would have been grateful too...we were all in a state of confusion for 3 of the longest, hurtful months. We all had unimaginable thoughts...for nothing!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2010, 09:02:27 AM »
Beyond what "would have been different if"...is how it is. Other people to things that make sense to them, always. Beyond that we have to adjust and so what makes sense to us. You know who you are beyond a daughter and a mother. You are a lovely being who has a wonderful mate, many talents and the ability to value yourself highly. Don't ask others to determine your worth...look in the mirror and see the beautiful Soul that looks back. That's who you are. In many ways what others do and think is none of our business. We don't need to know what or even why. Their paths will take them wherever they do...your path is what you are about. Yes, a daughter and a mother, certainly, but that's not all. You are more...not less. Let the drama go and support your mom the best you can at the end of her life and support your son's decision to go it alone. That's the way to heal and support your self. They have the right to make choices, that's true but so do you. When I hit something immovable...I write gratitude lists morning and evening until I get back into balance. Otherwise all I can see is what appears to be out of balance. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Dysfunction goes alot deeper than the DIL and DS
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2010, 09:09:54 AM »
I am bringing this post from KG to you from another thread...it is so heartening:

"If anyone wants to be included in my life, they will have to pass the audition, (I hold them every week) because I know that I will suffer the consequences (pun intended) if they wish to have their agenda of hostility or any other negative emotion take pride of place over my agenda of generosity of spirit, laughing and making others laugh all the way.  No exceptions for noboooooody. "  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama