Author Topic: This is my story  (Read 2266 times)

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belweav

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This is my story
« on: September 14, 2010, 04:16:28 PM »
I just want to say I'm so grateful that I found this site. I have been in so much pain since March when my dil decided after almost three years of being at their beck and call watching my biological grandson, that I was neglecting her oldest son(my step gs) to take out revenge against her. I had been putting up with her nonsense for 2 years but this time my husband witnessed it. He went ballastic. Told my son that what she did was hateful and it was time for us to let them go and deal with their life on their own. I hated that because I knew I would not be allowed to see the grandson.  It has be six months now and it has not gotten any better. I suffer from depression and I'm on two different antidepressants because I don't want to be hospitalized.
We still pay for their cell phones because we held out the hope that they would contact us and reconcile. But now with my oldest son getting married, they have decided not to attend his wedding. This is hurting my future dil, who is a very nice, kind person. I feel so betrayed by my son who was not raised to behave this way and just have found no way to let go of the pain.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2010, 05:25:38 PM »
We see so much of this. They make stupid decisions and we are stuck with them. Keep coming here, we understand and support you as you find ways to love and heal yourself.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2010, 05:58:30 PM »
Belweav....Read the old posts...you'll see that you aren't alone. I wish you the best in this....wish all the women the best in what they are going through.
I have to ask...why are you paying their cell phone bills when they can't speak to you? I would simply let them know that if you aren't good enough to be a part of their family and work this out, then your money must not be good enough either. 6 months was long enough for them to find a new cell phone plan. I'd give them a date (end of billing cycle) for them to either meet and resolve things or find a new cell plan. I know you are afraid....but once...my oldest DD (who is a wonderful woman now) went through a time in college where she ran our cell bill $300-$500 OVER each month...finally....I said enough was enough and if she went over...C'ya to the phone she was on her own. That scared me because I wanted her to have a phone and wanted to be able to call me since she went out of town. She actually cancelled the phone and got her own. I think she called me a week later to give me her # after she was never going to speak to me again. I know she is a DD, not a DS and DIL...so.....spend the money on you and DH and enough of the gimmy gimmy and you get nothing.
Keep your chin up. It's the principle and they know they don't have to do anything to work on the relationship...you are making this too easy.
OMG....I am talking and I just had a giant step towards sanity and not the pitty party. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You deserve that. Stand on the truth and only the truth.

belweav

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2010, 06:10:14 PM »
We've kept paying the phones so in case they wanted to reconcile they could contact us. Right now my oldest son is getting married at the end of October and asked that we wait until after the wedding to spare everyone the drama during this time up until they get married. I tend to agree since the turmoil they would cause would be tremendous. And my husband as insisted that I not contact them at all so I have been unable to talk to my son and ask him why.


Offline Miss Understood

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2010, 12:42:03 AM »
If they aren't coming to the wedding...how much more drama can it bring? I understand you want to wait till afterwards hoping that they will come. But did you read what you wrote: We've kept paying the phones so in case they wanted to reconcile they could contact us If they want to reconcile with you...they would contact you even if they didn't have those cell phones. This may come out sounding harsh because it is typed and sometimes typed conversations don't always come out the way they are intended, but do you think it is possible...in your thoughts here...that they are trying to see how far they can manipulate you into treating you the way you shouldn't and see what you will or won't do for them? If they can't talk to you and cut you out...why wouldn't they look for a different phone service? Do you get the bills? Are they really using the phones? The only reason I ask that...Maybe they aren't really using the phones and got their own phone service and didn't tell you. When my DIL and DS got married...my DS was on my phone, of course he had just gotten out of highschool...DIL was on her dad's plan and didn't even tell him for 5 months that she got new phone plan with DS. He paid the bill for 5 months without knowing. So, I would see if they are even using them...just incase. Also....If they are...do you think everytime they pick up the phone that they are saying, "Gee...we are so grateful we have these wonderful phones...I need to thank my MIL/DM and give her a call and let her know we are thinking about her and should respect her more?
My DIL posts negative and cruel stuff on FB with the computer that I gave her...I am sure that everytime she turns that thing on she is not thinking, "Gee my wonderful and kind MIL gave me this awsome computer...I need to be respectful and not post things that would purposely destroy her on it.” Or every time she drives her car, “AW GEE…my FIL and MIL put brand new tires on my car and had it serviced so my DD and I can have a safe ride and I think I’ll stop by and bring the GD for a visit to thank them and let them know I appreciate their generosity and how much we are glad to have them in our lives.”
NOPE! They do not. They are spoiled brats who expect us to give and do regardless how horrible they treat us. I would take that cell phone money you spend on them and do something nice for yourself…like weekly manicures, maybe special dinners or how about a housekeeper. If they can’t afford a cell phone, they can get change and use payphones if they are out like we all used to do before the days of convenience.
CHIN UP and enjoy the wedding. Your other DS will love you so much more if you let him shine that day. Put on a happy face and be there totally for him. Make the day all about him and don’t allow yourself to go to that dark place that allows you to feel bad that your other DS is not there. You cannot take back these special events that occur and someday your other DS will regret that he was not there for his brother…but it is a day and I guarantee you will get through it and soon it will be the day after the wedding. SO…PLEASE make it a wonderful day so you don’t have regrets.

belweav

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2010, 04:49:29 PM »
Actually I check our bill online and they do use the phones. And you're right, they know where we live. No they feel they are entitled to the phones, and the other things of ours that they kept.

It's been a juggline act trying to keep my husband calm and my oldest's wedding. I was there when my oldest got the card. He just tore the card up, told his almost wife and said he was relieved because he had been worried they would cause problems at the wedding.

But I've only been on this site for two days, and I feel my sanity coming back because I can talk about this situation. I don't have any close friends because my time had been tied up in babysitting the gs and working full time plus attending school full time.
You didn't come across harsh. It's just that sometimes the truth sounds harsh. I'm counting the days until November 1st.

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2010, 05:26:39 PM »
Keep your chin up and you'll get through this. Find something that works for you. Something that takes you away from the pain even if it's just a moment. I'll be thinking about you.

barelythere

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2010, 05:56:51 PM »
Sometimes I think you get overwhelmed with memories of things you endured at the hands of your inlaws.  It might be MIL or DIL.  When it happens with the wives of sons, you lose everything, though, even your very self esteem.  You forget what you once were.  This comes and goes until it's like a death where you pass through all the stages but get stuck in them and go back and forth into another stage that you thought you were already done with. Losing your son this way when you've been nothing but the best on earth is too much sometimes.  I think I'm back in the stage of Anger today. I want back in Acceptance, thank you. I let go of so much she said and did to me over the years.  On some days they all come crashing down...like today.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2010, 06:01:15 PM »
Yes, growth can be erratic and daunting. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

belweav

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2010, 09:46:33 PM »
It is so true.  I have days that I don't think about it. Then there are days when my husband just looks at me and shakes his head.
My doctor has been adjusting medication because the depression I went into when this happened hasn't completely lifted.

The sad thing is that I have a wonderful MIL. My husband was the one who had the problem of letting go of his mother. Unfortunately she is alone now and he is her only family. Yet she has told me that since my parents are gone, she is my mom now. But this problem with my dil means that she cannot she her great grand son.

I thought I was being like my MIL to my DIL. I didn't know there was a viper in her breast just waiting for a chance to strike.

Offline Nana

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2010, 12:31:09 AM »
Barelythere

Great example of the stages we have to go through (such as when you are dying).  At least when you are dying you just pass through the stages once and what you are dealing with is going back and forth in the stages. 

Cheer up
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

barelythere

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2010, 06:14:03 AM »
Barelythere

Great example of the stages we have to go through (such as when you are dying).  At least when you are dying you just pass through the stages once and what you are dealing with is going back and forth in the stages. 

Cheer up

I guess they are too young to know that when you throw a Mother out for no reason, it feels like death.  I'm sure there are Mothers who need throwing out but why, why does it 99% of the time end up being his Mother?  We loved our child too just as much as the wife of his and he love their kids.  With youth comes a sense of not being able to understand, I guess. It's the kind of thing that wounds so deeply, it does feel like death.  I want "acceptance" back today.  TODAY.  OH! I wish this on NO ONE!!

Sassy

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2010, 11:02:18 AM »
Quote
I had been putting up with her nonsense for 2 years but this time my husband witnessed it. He went ballastic. Told my son that what she did was hateful and it was time for us to let them go and deal with their life on their own. I hated that because I knew I would not be allowed to see the grandson.  It has be six months now and it has not gotten any better.

Quote
Right now my oldest son is getting married at the end of October and asked that we wait until after the wedding to spare everyone the drama during this time up until they get married. I tend to agree since the turmoil they would cause would be tremendous. And my husband as insisted that I not contact them at all so I have been unable to talk to my son and ask him why.

Quote
I have days that I don't think about it. Then there are days when my husband just looks at me and shakes his head.


I was very sorry to read your husband is insisting you not contact your son at all, going on six months.   I don't know if you've thought about a marriage counselor to help you negotiate some of the challenges with him.    Please don't take on the guilt for future DIL's problems, and the problems between brothers.  That is not within your power nor your responsibility.  Take care and well wishes.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 11:06:43 AM by Sassy »

belweav

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2010, 04:22:14 PM »
My husband is a lot like his grandfather who would simply walk away from people he had problems with. It took his grandfather four years to accept his ggs.

But I also understand my husband's position. He does not want to give them any reason to blame us again for their problems. He figures that it will get rough enough that their relationship will implode without us there to take the heat. And he is right because the youngest rushed into this marriage after only knowing this person 6 months. Not a good foundation for any relationship.

Offline Pooh

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Re: This is my story
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2010, 08:05:32 AM »
That and he is probably worried about the stress on you, and your health.  Be proud he is standing beside you on this and not allowing them to abuse you, as many on this site have issues with their DH not taking up for them.  Best of wishes.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell