Author Topic: Need Some Advice...AGAIN  (Read 1890 times)

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Offline Miss Understood

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Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« on: September 14, 2010, 12:54:40 PM »
I am sorry to be redundant on my heartbreak...I just need advice. I am trying to stay calm, quiet and peaceful...which is a struggle because my hurt, like all of us here is very consuming and leaves me exhausted. Anyway. I spoke with my Ailing mother this morning and she again mentioned that I MUST do everything I can to resolve things with my son. No matter how I said I have tried but you cannot make someone resolve or speak to you when they are giving you the silent treatment. She got upset and said, "Well...I guess another holiday is ruined and I'll be dead this time and my family is a mess." We were supposed to have a dinner next Monday night to celebrate all of our birthdays, there are 4 of us this month including my DS. Well, since my DS isn't speaking or answering anyone in the families calls, it is obvious he will not be attending.
Questions and Hopefully someone has some positive solutions to making some sort of communication regarding certain family things. I feel in my heart just because my DS and DIL are giving us the silent treatment and not acknowledging us because of their selfishness and immaturity doesn't mean that as a mature, wise, forgiving and loving mother, grandmother and mother in law that I can't do the right thing.  There are some family situations going on here. I didn't remove him from our family...why should I treat him that way? Why do I have to be forced to pretend that he is no longer a part of our family just because he wants to be a fool and punish us and for whatever reason remove us from his?
Luise...I am not stepping backwards here...I am standing up for me, for the rest of the family and I am trying to do the right thing. My mother is near death and I think my DS should have the right to know this...regardless of what ever bad behavior he is doing. How do you just turn off being a family and pretending that he doesn’t exist…just because he is being mentally discharged?  If you say nothing to him regarding what is happening in the family…will it be the right thing? Doesn’t  that put me in the same position as him?
 THE QUESTION: How do you inform your distant children of family circumstances that are going on? Without invading their space?
 :-\
« Last Edit: September 14, 2010, 12:58:46 PM by Miss Understood »

Offline pam1

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2010, 01:28:31 PM »
Have your mother speak to DS.  If she can talk to you and have a conversation about it, she can talk to DS as well.  He can then choose on his own whether to see her or not -- and you do not have this hanging over your head whether you did something wrong by contacting him or otherwise suffer some sort of backlash. 

I'll be honest,  if you do end up contacting him directly they might think you are making this up and/or exaggerating as an excuse to speak to DS. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

MLW07

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2010, 01:33:13 PM »
Have your mother speak to DS.  If she can talk to you and have a conversation about it, she can talk to DS as well.  He can then choose on his own whether to see her or not -- and you do not have this hanging over your head whether you did something wrong by contacting him or otherwise suffer some sort of backlash. 

I'll be honest,  if you do end up contacting him directly they might think you are making this up and/or exaggerating as an excuse to speak to DS.

Miss Understood-

Pam's advice is very wise.  Please consider this.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2010, 01:34:17 PM »
Well, to my way of thinking the "whys" don't figure into this because it's nuts. There are no reasonable (sane) explanations. And the "shoulds" are just as useless for the same reason.  That is victimism and it will eat you alive. The condition of your mother is something that is a known. Not the recent details but the issue. If there is interest, there will be inquiry. If she blames you, don't accept the blame in your heart. Having them be how there are is excruciating but/and continuing to anguish over it makes it worse. It's horrible and until those who instigated it, resolve it...there it is...the elephant in the middle of the your family dynamics. Let it go and leave it up to them. You don't have to like it or understand it to get it. You deserve distance and peace. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2010, 01:44:35 PM »
Thanks for your advice...that's why I am here. My mom won't call and neither will my dad. They are bothered by what my DS is doing, but say it's between him and I and if I resolve it with him then the rest of the family will come back in the picture. If they call then they will get involved and it will be worse. In a way...she is right about it getting worse if they get involved, but they could easily call him and say hello or invite him over to see them. They won't because he hasn't made any attempt to contact them since this started and didn't even thank them for the gift they sent to GGD for her B'day or even call them with the change of party place. So...I guess I'll have the dreaded guilt trip thrown on me by them. I won't try to help her understand... last time she spoke about it and got all upset my dad had to take her to the hospital...so, I am stuck. I hate this. I am thinking I am going to be really in bad shape soon with my mom gone and my son too. Too much grief to look forward too.  :'(

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2010, 01:54:51 PM »
No one looks forward to grief. You have stubborn people all around you and that's not your fault. Do not...I repeat...do not accept guilt that isn't yours. If others think you are to blame...that's about them not you. Be your own advocate and know the truth about yourself no matter what kind of pictures others paint. You are a deep and lovely person. I know that. We know that and please remind yourself that you know that. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2010, 02:16:36 PM »
Thank you Luise. I needed to hear that today. You can only say it so much to yourself until yourself says, "enough already!" :D

Can I tell a joke today? It might help us all to laugh

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2010, 02:20:57 PM »
MIL JOKE OF THE DAY or could be DIL joke ;D
When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."



cadagi101

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2010, 04:34:31 PM »

. Anyway. I spoke with my Ailing mother this morning and she again mentioned that I MUST do everything I can to resolve things with my son. No matter how I said I have tried but you cannot make someone resolve or speak to you when they are giving you the silent treatment. She got upset and said, "Well...I guess another holiday is ruined and I'll be dead this time and my family is a mess."

cont.  from above my previous post.    Miss understood I know where you are coming from.   Now to my situation.  My df has never said to me or blamed me directly for my son's inability to get along with me but through his actions of continually sticking up and backing him I know he blames me.  I say to myself my df will die thinking I am to blame.   I know i'm not to blame but the perspective aging, dying people can put on situation is what is important.   If that someone is someone you love and you could lose them any time from your life forever than you need to ask yourself..does it matter to me that when  my mother dies blaming me and maybe who knows it might be her final words to you as in my fathers case.   (previous post).   I would as I said before ring your son, tell your mother you have done it and she can't blame you and you won't live with the guilt that she blamed you.  Even though you know that is not right, guilt is all consuming and I would do all it takes to do what your mother asks.  Just let him know.   My dh uncle didn't let my dh father know when his twin died, my dh df found out months later.   it is heartbreaking.  It must happen very often I never thought of it but after going through my family all I can say is it happens

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2010, 05:50:01 PM »
Thank you Julia. As it goes...my Brother called me and the whole B'day dinner is off for Monday. My mom doesn't want any of the gc and ggc if my ds isn't going to be there and 2 other gc that have to work. What ever. I am tired of the grudge thing. Now we are doing a dinner with mom and dad and just my sister, brother and myself. No spouses, GC, GGC. I am not going to argue about it, but know that the spouses and GC will feel bad about being left out this year....especially since they were invited already. But, my mom is not going to live much longer so these are her wishes. My B'day is next week and I am sure that I will be ignored by DS and DIL. I am ready for that...I have plans for a new b'day tradition this year...tears I am sure will accompany me, but oh, well. My DS has his b'day right after mine. I am going to send him a book, a card and some pics with a little note that life is too short and not to expect me to erase him from my life and hope that he will work through this and realize that I love him and a p.s. Your GM is dying and I hope that you can find it in your heart to visit her and bring by the baby before she does, because she loves you too.
If I am wrong and everyone says back off...there is no where else to back into and my heart is arguing with me to be the better person and if I am a better person, than I can't wake up with the regret of not doing the right thing. Loving our children unconditionally is all we know. Letting them know you are thinking of them from time to time and still love them is not a lie, but a truth...so, if we are to stand on the truth...not saying it or trying is the same as lying. However....I will never listen to my DS curse me out again, yell at me or even trust him with my whole heart. I will always have reservations....but I will always love him. I'm a good mom....Always and forever. This is NOT about me.

cadagi101

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2010, 06:36:46 PM »
you write with so much good sense and as long as in your heart you are doing the right thing even if your head disagrees, I would go with your heart as you said life is to short. 
thinking of you

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2010, 06:44:06 PM »
Thank you Julia. Everyone is super encouraging tonight. I feel enlightened. Thankyou ladies! We need to feel good about ourselves a little more often!

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2010, 07:42:33 PM »
I'm sorry everyone...but I need some advice again. I just heard from my brother that my father said my mom is in her final stages and the doctors say she can go anytime. We are set to see her on Friday...she only wants my brother, sister and I...no Spouses, GC, and GGC. I need to tell my son and the horrible thing tonight is I feel desperate to have my family close to me. I am soooo sad. I don't know what to say to my son or what message to leave where he doesn't feel emotionally blackmailed by me...but realistically...he should be here through this. We were all a very close family and his 3 month silence treatment is going a bit to far when a family member is dying and we are going to be planning a funeral.
Please someone help me here...how do I get to my son...let him know it is time to step up to life and be here for his family...say good bye to his GM and not burn all his bridges. Nobody will ever forgive him in this family if he doesn't show up. I will because I am his mom...I'll never go anywhere, but I can absolutely say that life will not be pleasant for him and definately not for me if he is not here.
I need help...I am already grieving

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #13 on: September 15, 2010, 08:31:47 PM »
You don't get to him...you acknowledge that he is on his own path and honor that without judgment. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

belweav

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Re: Need Some Advice...AGAIN
« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2010, 09:53:09 PM »
You should accept the peace and grace that comes with knowing you did all that you could. If your son is an adult then it is for him to shoulder the consequences of his actions. If it causes him pain in the future then that was a choice he made. But your place is to be with your mom and dad during this time. Your father is going to be in a very bad place for a while after your mom dies( my mom had passed 11 years before my dad). He is going to need your family's warm embraces and comfort.