May 19, 2019, 02:35:20 pm


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Can't have time with grandchild

Started by sdigirolamo, September 08, 2010, 02:33:02 pm

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HI Ladies,

I hope someone can help me see this differently.  I've been crying over this so long. 
My son and his wife had a baby about 1 1/2 years ago.  They did let me see the baby pretty often but when her mom, who lives far away, got jealous, she stopped letting me see her as much. Now she is going back to school and is getting a nanny to sit.  I've told them that I'd love to sit but they only want me for emergencies.  I had to get a job and now can't see her at all.  I'm broken hearted.  What do I do? :-[


sdigi, welcome to the WWU site.    I am not in your situation but sadly and it is almost unbearable to think of as it is so sad, many of the WW here can relate to your circumstances.  Know that you can come here, and this site is here for you everyday.   


Sdigi, welcome. There are many GMs here who have gone through this or are in the midst of it right now. I'm learning a lot from them, although I'm not yet a GM; this is a good site for support and help when we are ready to move forward in our various situations. Please take care of yourself during this time! {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome to the forum....
this is such a heartbreaking situation which many here do experience....
I'm wondering, have you tried talking to the both of them together, and telling them how much this hurts you?  Perhaps ask them why they are doing this?

I know you said, it's due to the fact that her mother is jealous of your time with the baby, however, she lives far away, and it's very important for a child to know they're grand parents...that punishing you and the baby for her mother's jealousy, doesn't seem quit fair to anyone, and it enables the mother to get what she wants at everyone else's expense.  I mean, perhaps if you sit down with them and discuss your feelings with them, in a very calm way, it might help her see that this is not the right way to handle this. 

Please do come in here and vent when you need to....

big hugs


Welcome Sdigi and let me say, I am sorry for what you are going thru.  Creme offered some good advice.  But if that doesn't work, then all you can do is go on with your life.  From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like they have cut you off completely?  Pick yourself up, dust off and try to think positive.  The more positive you are about the situation, the better chance you have of them seeing that GC spending time with you will be a good idea.

Good luck and best wishes.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


How long has it been since you've seen your son, dil, and grand daughter?  Could you invite them over to visit, or offer to visit them if it's easier for them, on the days you are not working? 

As nice as seems in theory to be in charge of your grand daughter's care while her mom goes to school, because of having so much time with her, the plain truth is in difficult relationships, working for relatives, whether paid or unpaid work,  can often complicate relationships even more.  To go from family-family to a daily employer-employee relationship really changes things.  Simply calling out sick, for example, might not be easily forgiven.  Or if you feel under the weather and don't call out sick, and baby catches a cold, can cause more anger  in a family employee. Family caregivers often report feeling taken advantage of.  The mother might come home late without calling, and think since you're family, you won't mind. And you might not mind the first 10 times.  But if time #11 you had other plans, resentment can build real fast.

Having to care for and discipline your grand daughter, and being her caregiver instead of her indulgent loving grand mother also changes your relationship with her.    For example, you may feel compelled to discipline your grand daughter even when the parent is there, out of habit.  Shifting between roles can cause confusion and hurt feelings.  Resentments can build if your DIL starts to think her child is getting too attached to you. 

I have a feeling that hiring them a nanny is blessing in disguise.  See it as you've avoided a real potential quagmire.

Focus on really enjoying the social aspects of your relationships.  You may be able to bring supper by during a weeknight after work once a month.  You may be able to host a meal sometimes on a Saturday or Sunday.    You might all be able to go to the park, or the zoo together regularly. It doesn't sound like you are having any real troubles between yourself and your son and your daughter-in-law?  Its just the situation has changed, your expectations will have to change and it will take some adjustment.


Actually I think I am in the exact same position.  I think that is really what happened to my being banned
from seeing my grandchild.  I think her mother that lives far away was jealous because I would be here too.

Her mother did not even know she was pregnant until 5 days before the baby was born.  So I think she tries not to
hurt her mother's feelings by making sure I don't get to see the baby.  Now I am the one that is suffering. 

Her grandfather and I are not married and he gets to keep her some.  I guess she is not jealous of him keeping her.

It is all a big mess and I want to detach myself. 

I was way too excited about this baby and I should have disciplined my feelings a lot more.

It has really affected me way too much.

Good luck and I hope things will get better for you.

I am just not sure why people do not think about others feelings sometimes.  If folks would communicate more then
things would be so much better.


Sassy, I love, love, love your advice. This is exactly what I'm trying to convince myself of, only the way you say it sounds so much better. It is very true.


Often when others make decisions, we can't do anything. They have that right. It's so hard to accept cruelty and none of us will ever understand it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama