Author Topic: Rigid people  (Read 6206 times)

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barelythere

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Rigid people
« on: August 26, 2010, 07:47:09 AM »
I don't know what causes a person to be so rigid that they would deliberately withold any outside joy their child could be having just because it's not on their schedule.  This is so ridiculous.  We are going to a resort this weekend, very close in proximity to my DIL and son.  We emailed DIL and it so happened that our son called us and we told him on the phone.  He was overjoyed, said they would be there and how much fun the kids would have.  DIL never answered my email but our son called and said the kids were busy. Maybe he didn't know on the phone?  Could have been.   But I've seen her say no for no reason, just to be in control.  My husband and I will have fun anyway but it's such a shame that they could not swing by our cottage just for a minute.  This behavior must be caused by having a Mother who God speaks to exclusively?

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2010, 08:08:48 AM »
I'm sorry BT. It's hard to think that they "really" could have been busy instead of maybe rearranging their schedule for something special. It's funny how we, MOMs/MIL's rearrange our schedule for them all the time and they can't or refuse to do it for us. My mom used to say the same thing and I used to say she didn't understand, but now I feel her pain. I have to say that this thing with my DS has created a closeness that I haven't had in years with my own parents. It's a shame that it took that long and my mother is terminally ill and dying soon. Sometimes I tell myself that GOD allowed this to happen with my DS for me to find that closeness with my own parents. Sometimes I think I feed myself a bunch of garbage to make sense of the thing that doesn't make sense. I write my thoughts down and read them later on...I call myself the fool. Nope...no excuse...they are selfish, spoiled, game playing brats who hurt people to justify that they are big and bad grown ups playing house.
Have fun on your trip. If I lived closer....I'd come by and see you.

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2010, 08:20:11 AM »
I'm sorry BT. It's hard to think that they "really" could have been busy instead of maybe rearranging their schedule for something special. It's funny how we, MOMs/MIL's rearrange our schedule for them all the time and they can't or refuse to do it for us. My mom used to say the same thing and I used to say she didn't understand, but now I feel her pain. I have to say that this thing with my DS has created a closeness that I haven't had in years with my own parents. It's a shame that it took that long and my mother is terminally ill and dying soon. Sometimes I tell myself that GOD allowed this to happen with my DS for me to find that closeness with my own parents. Sometimes I think I feed myself a bunch of garbage to make sense of the thing that doesn't make sense. I write my thoughts down and read them later on...I call myself the fool. Nope...no excuse...they are selfish, spoiled, game playing brats who hurt people to justify that they are big and bad grown ups playing house.
Have fun on your trip. If I lived closer....I'd come by and see you.

I just don't understand saying no out of the blue for no reason. Maybe there is a reason. I think our son needed to be controlled. THey sought each other out, I think. Well, we will have a good time anyway. Poor kids.

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2010, 09:06:57 AM »
I'm sorry BT. It's hard to think that they "really" could have been busy instead of maybe rearranging their schedule for something special. It's funny how we, MOMs/MIL's rearrange our schedule for them all the time and they can't or refuse to do it for us. My mom used to say the same thing and I used to say she didn't understand, but now I feel her pain. I have to say that this thing with my DS has created a closeness that I haven't had in years with my own parents. It's a shame that it took that long and my mother is terminally ill and dying soon. Sometimes I tell myself that GOD allowed this to happen with my DS for me to find that closeness with my own parents. Sometimes I think I feed myself a bunch of garbage to make sense of the thing that doesn't make sense. I write my thoughts down and read them later on...I call myself the fool. Nope...no excuse...they are selfish, spoiled, game playing brats who hurt people to justify that they are big and bad grown ups playing house.
Have fun on your trip. If I lived closer....I'd come by and see you.

I just don't understand saying no out of the blue for no reason. Maybe there is a reason. I think our son needed to be controlled. THey sought each other out, I think. Well, we will have a good time anyway. Poor kids.

We had called to chat with the  kids about 3 weeks ago. So while on the phone, we said to one of the kids, "can we take you and Mommy and Daddy for ice cream in about 3 weeks?"  The GC turned to her Mother and said, "Can I get ice cream when GM and GPa come?" The Mother said , "no".  and that was it.

Our pathetic son did not say one word.  Sometimes this whole thing gets the best of me and I just want to sob but other times, I don't care as much. I live for the days when I don't care as much.

Offline Pen

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2010, 09:54:20 AM »
Maybe DIL wants to be the one who is asked first before you bring it up to the children (she may see it as manipulation via the kids, not good.) Who knows if the answer would have been different, but she would have had to say "no" directly to you and that might have made her rethink her knee-jerk reaction?

IMHO, people who behave in such a controlling manner don't know the pain and hurt they're causing those they claim to love (DH & DC.) It's hard to believe they know and just don't care.

Take care. Baby steps are OK.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2010, 10:02:41 AM »
Maybe DIL wants to be the one who is asked first before you bring it up to the children (she may see it as manipulation via the kids, not good.) Who knows if the answer would have been different, but she would have had to say "no" directly to you and that might have made her rethink her knee-jerk reaction?

IMHO, people who behave in such a controlling manner don't know the pain and hurt they're causing those they claim to love (DH & DC.) It's hard to believe they know and just don't care.

Take care. Baby steps are OK.

We should have asked her first, you're right-- but since she won't answer the phone, we thought when our son called we'd mention it to him that we were headed that way.  He was overjoyed. She doesn't like that, of course.  Hates for him to laugh; she doesn't get humor. I should have left a message on her answering machine but she would have thought I was doing it so the kids could hear me and usurping her authority.  Babysteps, yes. What About Bob did well with those. 8)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2010, 11:48:03 AM »
I don't think there is any right way to do it. When others are committed to blocking us...that's what they do. It is sometimes a lost cause to look for logic in the illogical. Darn their hides!!! There, that's my logic.  :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2010, 02:44:40 PM »
Quoted from BTWe should have asked her first, you're right-- but since she won't answer the phone, we thought when our son called we'd mention it to him that we were headed that way.  He was overjoyed. She doesn't like that, of course.  Hates for him to laugh; she doesn't get humor. I should have left a message on her answering machine but she would have thought I was doing it so the kids could hear me and usurping her authority.  Babysteps, yes. What About Bob did well with those.

Don't you just hate that you have to play games and not be real with yourself and to them. I have a daughter with a child. I do not have to pretend anything....she let's me be me with her and thanks me often for enriching her daughter. The other day I picked her up for a 4 day visit with us. I said to my daughter that her hair and bangs were getting so long. My daughter says, "well, cut them." I said, "NNNNOOOOO. NOT MY JOB, I dare not get in trouble" Her reply, "Mom, don't be silly. she's your GD and I trust you. If I don't like the haircut, it will grow back."
I kissed her and thanked her. Even the Garbage my DS and DIL is making me gunshy and walk on egg shells all around my life. I HATE THAT! I WANT TO BE ME!!!!!

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2010, 02:50:19 PM »
Quoted from BTWe should have asked her first, you're right-- but since she won't answer the phone, we thought when our son called we'd mention it to him that we were headed that way.  He was overjoyed. She doesn't like that, of course.  Hates for him to laugh; she doesn't get humor. I should have left a message on her answering machine but she would have thought I was doing it so the kids could hear me and usurping her authority.  Babysteps, yes. What About Bob did well with those.

Don't you just hate that you have to play games and not be real with yourself and to them. I have a daughter with a child. I do not have to pretend anything....she let's me be me with her and thanks me often for enriching her daughter. The other day I picked her up for a 4 day visit with us. I said to my daughter that her hair and bangs were getting so long. My daughter says, "well, cut them." I said, "NNNNOOOOO. NOT MY JOB, I dare not get in trouble" Her reply, "Mom, don't be silly. she's your GD and I trust you. If I don't like the haircut, it will grow back."
I kissed her and thanked her. Even the Garbage my DS and DIL is making me gunshy and walk on egg shells all around my life. I HATE THAT! I WANT TO BE ME!!!!!

It is said to make sure you have at least one Daughter. You are not a threat to them.  I apologize to all on here who are having Daughter problems. She will likely grow up to be your best friend after all this hullabaloo.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2010, 03:10:35 PM »
Focus on what you love and that will expand. Look past what you hate and it will contract. You are having everything "be the way it is" because you don't have any other choice. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2010, 03:37:25 PM »
Focus on what you love and that will expand. Look past what you hate and it will contract. You are having everything "be the way it is" because you don't have any other choice. Sending love...

I'm trying to understand what you mean because it's important to me but I don't understand the part of "be the way it is" because you don't have any other choice.  Can you explain? 
By the way, You will have Angel Eyes or one Angel Eye.  That's what we'll have to call you after your surgery.  Nice name, I think.

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2010, 04:28:47 PM »
It is said to make sure you have at least one Daughter. You are not a threat to them.  I apologize to all on here who are having Daughter problems. She will likely grow up to be your best friend after all this hullabaloo.

Yes, for those who have daughters. My oldest went through a rebellous stage. Kind of like, "I am a woman, you're not the only one." but she grew out of it and yes....can be my best friend. She realized that I taught her to be the strong woman she is and that she wasn't just given that as a natural talent. That is why women are so smart....We figure things out.

My Grandma, my Dad's mom. 5 boys, no sisters. All the son's treated her like she was a piece of garbage. She always walked on egg shells and sat at the kid's table during family gatherings. She was the most wonderful woman I ever met. Until this happened to me....I didn't really see that she had 5 DIL's that were insecure and mean....Including my mother. Which now brings back so many memories that I can say truthfully...Yes, there is an alienation game going on. Shame, Shame, Shame on them.

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2010, 04:37:39 PM »
It is said to make sure you have at least one Daughter. You are not a threat to them.  I apologize to all on here who are having Daughter problems. She will likely grow up to be your best friend after all this hullabaloo.

Yes, for those who have daughters. My oldest went through a rebellous stage. Kind of like, "I am a woman, you're not the only one." but she grew out of it and yes....can be my best friend. She realized that I taught her to be the strong woman she is and that she wasn't just given that as a natural talent. That is why women are so smart....We figure things out.

My Grandma, my Dad's mom. 5 boys, no sisters. All the son's treated her like she was a piece of garbage. She always walked on egg shells and sat at the kid's table during family gatherings. She was the most wonderful woman I ever met. Until this happened to me....I didn't really see that she had 5 DIL's that were insecure and mean....Including my mother. Which now brings back so many memories that I can say truthfully...Yes, there is an alienation game going on. Shame, Shame, Shame on them.

Your poor Grandmother.  Any reasons given when they were doing that to her? (not that any resons are reasonable)

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2010, 06:43:38 PM »
Ya know...not sure. I just remember growing up...with the cousins and the parents complaining about her. We were always confused (as kids) but when my grandma died, several of us cleaned her apartment....well, that is when the discussions went on. All of us, from different families, had the same stories. Our parents (both of them) would always complain about her, make fun of her, talk mean about her. None of us Grandkids understood it. We all thought she was the sweetest, kindest and warmest person we knew. I didn't realize it was a DIL thing till this happened to me. Then I talked to my Brother and Sister and We all agree that we saw it growing up.
See....Grandkids will be affected by this. They absolutely will. They will figure it out if they get a chance to know you. Thankfully, I got to know my Grandma. I fear that my GD will never know how much I loved her and how innocent that I am in all of this. :(

barelythere

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Re: Rigid people
« Reply #14 on: August 26, 2010, 06:48:44 PM »
Ya know...not sure. I just remember growing up...with the cousins and the parents complaining about her. We were always confused (as kids) but when my grandma died, several of us cleaned her apartment....well, that is when the discussions went on. All of us, from different families, had the same stories. Our parents (both of them) would always complain about her, make fun of her, talk mean about her. None of us Grandkids understood it. We all thought she was the sweetest, kindest and warmest person we knew. I didn't realize it was a DIL thing till this happened to me. Then I talked to my Brother and Sister and We all agree that we saw it growing up.
See....Grandkids will be affected by this. They absolutely will. They will figure it out if they get a chance to know you. Thankfully, I got to know my Grandma. I fear that my GD will never know how much I loved her and how innocent that I am in all of this. :(

I hope she knew that you love her. I'll bet she did. What a sad life, huh?  I have a cousin who has found out she had a grandmother the whole time (her Dad's Mother) and didn't know it. Now her Mother is dying and her GM is still alive. I'll bet there's a story there.