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Could it be possible? Just curious....

Started by Miss Understood, August 24, 2010, 01:29:22 pm

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Miss Understood

It has been 2 months since DIL and Son started the silent treatment for ridiculous uncalled reasons. I finally grew out of the dispair (which I didn't know I was in) I am now to the acceptance, but a little angry....alot less crying stage. I ran into my ex's wife the other day and this is the first time I have had any contact with anyone else (seemed even my ex was giving me the silent treatment too) She said they were instructed by my son to stay out and that is why they haven't called. She seemed sad about it and commented that she didn't know what to say about any of this. It was a short conversation because we were at the High School with our youngest daughters (which are the same age). I did get out....which I contemplated this moment for 2 months....that I thought DIL was alientating DS from us. She frowned and said, "I don't think it is DIL....It is DS."
I personally think they see a very passive DIL who acts like the angel around them...like she used to with me and my DH. I still think she has him all worked up and angry at us and he is more vocal because my DS never had a negative thought about us till her. So, I think they see only him doing the reacting right now and her quietly sitting there like the sweet little princess she is.
SO....My Question????? What is your intake that DS could really turn by himself? I know DIL is disrespectful and has played games before that we have seen...But could it be possible that we put too much blame on DIL and not as much on DS's? I am furious at my DS's behavior now that I have moved past the gravelling and begging stage. I don't deserve this treatment and I won't stand for it any longer. It took me a lot to get to this point...But I want my life back and I feel that I have lost 2 months for a couple of spoiled brats. I sure will miss that baby, but I don't have the energy to suffer anymore for the sweet little thing to be dangled over my head. I give up.

Keys Girl

Dear Miss Understood, I've just gone through the same thing and I'm a few more months along in the process than you.

I can't speak about your son, but I don't think it matters which one of the spoiled brats is in the lead, they are both united, as is my future DIL and son.   My son is playing the Passive "who me?" game which allows him to play the innocent and the bullying and aggressive DIL is seen as the victimizer.  Every victimizer needs a victim and she already has one so I'm not prepared to give her another.  He chose her for himself, and I am opting out of this "package deal".

I've been through this type of scenario in the last few months and have been through the despair.  I'm on the other side now, and determined to live my life on my terms and only allow anyone else into it if they meet my terms of courtesy and basic consideration.  Obviously the Groom and Bride to be don't even come close to getting on the radar in terms of manners, but that is their problem.  I've come to enjoy the "silent treatment" and not see it as a form of punishment but more as a type of "peace and quiet", solitude from their drama and games, etc.

I think the 2 months that you have lost is part of the process of dealing with this situation and I have decided to get on with my life and leave "frick and frack" to their games, etc.  There are people who get pulled into those games, but I don't think they are worth worrying about.  If they don't have enough backbone to stand on their own two feet instead of being pushed around by a couple of kids who should have better things to do.....well, forgetabouthem.

I'm with you, give it up, so you can let them inflict their misery/hostility on someone else and get on with your life and have some fun while you are at it. 

You only live once so ya gotta make the most of it.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


Miss Understood - Without knowing a lot of the details, I can tell you that I am on the opposite end of almost the EXACT same situation...so much so that I could swear you just might be my MIL.  Your side of the story sounds identical to the one she tells.  Of course, my MIL omits the parts of the story that explain what her actions were to cause DH and I to cut her off (verbal abuse, name-calling, crossing countless boundaries, tantrums, dilusional finger-pointing, cursing, passive aggressive behaviors, emotional blackmail and guilt trips, manipulation, etc.).

That being said, I'm curious to know why you're being given the silent treatment.   



Miss Understood, listen to Keys Girl's advice on anything she says.  She is more valuable than words can say on here. 

Miss Understood

I sent you a PM, too much personal detail, but since you asked...there it is and then you can send me your opinion. Just incase DIL finds this site...she will know it is her and my intensions are not to hurt her at all. I personally don't think she knows any better. She is spoiled, selfish and plays these kind of "give me or do for me or I'll hate you" games with others and we have seen it. I just never imagined that she would be that way to me. My DH and I have done so much for them. Young couple, baby....not together very long. I never had a chance to let my DS go. He was just out of High School when she got pregnant and still living at home, no job....no plans...
Truthfully....I was a MIL dream. I even made her favorite food every time she came to eat over, just because she was picky. I really think their was a jealousy thing and it escalated to hate me. My DS hates her dad (though when he said that....I'd always be, "He is still your father in law and you better treat him with respect!") I think it's like...you hate my dad, so I'll hate your mom. Now...My DS hates me too. For nothing.

Keys Girl

Quote from: Miss Understood on August 24, 2010, 03:16:08 pm
. Now...My DS hates me too. For nothing.

Well, maybe not.  You did what you thought was the right thing to do at the time that you chose to do it.  If she hates you, she hates you, for today anyway.  I'm sure my future DIL hates me too.  But, that may change.  Remember when you were a teenager and hated your parents? I'll bet that changed too.

I think there has been a huge shift within the last generation and I think that I have been part of the problem.  I tried to be a "pal" to my future DIL, and did whatever I could to be considerate and please her.  Maybe that was a wrong type of dynamic for me to set up.  I'm changing it now.  I'm moving to Plan B which is to be the MIL and that would be with a capital "M" as in the type of MIL that I had who didn't try to be a pal.  My future DIL's pals are her age not mine.  My mistake to try to be her pal and her future MIL at the same time and one that is easily made these days when we try to be everything to our adult children.

They are adults, they should be standing on their own two feet and hating people isn't much of an adult activity.  Their generation grew up with the internet and computers where you pushed a button and something happened immediately.  I think they haven't learned patience and perseverance because the technology did it all for them.  Once you get into adult activities like having children, technology doesn't feed the baby with a click on a keyboard so there's a bit of a disconnect.  Just my conclusions.

If you've done your best, that's it.  You couldn't have done more.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  Drive on.  I would suggest you take your energy and disappointment and do something nice for yourself.  Get a manicure or/and a pedicure. 

Hopefully in the future the disappointment will evolve into a more positive emotion and things will work out for the best but whatever I would spend less time worrying about them ('cause that's their job) and more time enjoying yourself.  Hopefully they will come around and you'll be seeing that baby again.  Your nails will look wonderful when that happens.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown


Keys Girl:

I couldnt agree more.  It is true how we try to be friends with our dil.  They dont want....they dont need it...they have their own friends.  I would compare it to mothers who boast about being their childre'n best frind....or wanabe.... They dont need us mothers as friends...they have their own...they need a mom...specially on their teen years.  We cannot afford to be our children's friend in their teens....maybe letter on.

Good point there. 

You are funny.... ├┐our nails will look wonderful when that happens  (you bet)......lol  lol    lol.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:

Miss Understood

Thanks Ladies. I needed to feel a more positive outlook on things. It's weird after you get through the dispair that light bulbs start going off in your head. You should have seen this coming. My DH says my DS didn't hit is rebellious stage till his senior year in high school and it wasn't that rebellious. So...he's probably there now, big and bad, don't tell me what to do, I can talk to you if I want, It's my way or you can all go to You know where....Aww to be 20 again in a stressfull world and have a baby. "I can do it by myself, I don't need you" is a hard thing to swollow when it hits for the first time. I am sure with my others, they weren't married with a baby when it hit them...they were teens or just off to college. This is hard because I miss my GD and you know how fast they grow after age 1. They change daily and she was a doll and I loved her and we had a good relationship. So...I am just going to channel that missing into making a scrap book of her from what I have. So, if...and when....I get a chance to pick up....I can show here how much I loved her even though we missed a little time.

Just so everyone knows....last night....first night I slept in 2 months. Yesterday, I cut my crying to one episode that lasted less than a minute. I feel very proud of myself. Thanks again for the support


Good job Miss, and baby steps.  One day at a time.  It does get easier...hang in there and do something for yourself!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Miss Understood

Well, did the pedicure today...toes look great. Bags under my eyes and loss of perkiness is kind of ugly. Doesn't go with my normal outfit.
I'm holding it together though. Reading old posts....putting my upsetness on the back burner and trying to take a vacation from the horrible broken heart I have.
Thanks for the support everyone.


You have gotten off the merry-go-round! Congratulations!! We can get stuck in tears, self-pity and being right and wronged.  Now, the rewards are coming fast...a night's sleep...less crying...a pedicure1 Yea! This is not about you. This is about them and understanding it isn't even pertinent. Letting go...giving up...that's about survival and you're worth saving!! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Miss Understood

Thank you Luise. Even my therapist said she saw a difference in me today. I feel good about that. I am trying to stay hopefull but have given up all of my thoughts on controlling this what so ever. What ever is gonna happen is gonna happen. I am not the same woman. I am not the same mom, I am definately not the same MIL.
I was tired of extending the olivebranch to a couple of knuckleheads. I decided to get the chainsaw out and cut the whole limb down.  ;D

Keys Girl

Applause, applause, applause!!!

Good for you.  A few of us could use those chainsaws, me included but just be careful to let your nails dry before you pick it up.  No point in messing up that top coat!!
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Miss Understood

Gosh...for a second....I felt guilty for calling my precious baby boy and his sweet spoiled princess a couple of knuckleheads....Nope...Not feeling that anymore. Funny how you finally realize that you are more than a doormat, a bank, a free sitter, etc. etc.
Thanks to all....Hope I can feel this for a few days in a row. It is rather comforting.


Your perspective determines how you feel. You changed your perspective an JOILA! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama