Author Topic: Is it ONLY sons???  (Read 9699 times)

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miss_priss

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Is it ONLY sons???
« on: August 04, 2010, 01:15:38 PM »
So, I've noticed a startling trend in our posts, and I'm wondering if anyone else notices it...

Nearly all of our MIL/DIL posts are regarding Dear SONS, and the women they marry/date/intend to marry and those MIL/DIL relationships.  Mothers of daughters don't seem to post that much, does that mean they're not having the same issues?  What does that say, statistically, about those MILs?  Do we see our daughters differently than our sons?   

I may have totally missed those posts, something that reads like:  "HELP!  My SIL is Tearing My Family Apart!  He's....(blah blah blah)"

I realize this is a "different" can of worms, but I just started thinking about it, and now I'm fascinated and I want to research it!  Ladies, what are your thoughts on this? 


Alicev

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2010, 01:42:05 PM »
I am not American but in my home country there's a anecdotal story about how a typical mother talks about the spouses of her children.
It goes as follows:

My son-in-law is the most wonderful man. My daughter is so lucky to have him. He pays for her school, hobbies and buys her nice gifts, my daughter can go out and spend with her friends, he helps her out in house chores and fulfills her every wish.

My daughter-in-law on the other hand is too lazy and demanding. My son has to do all the work around the house, pay for her hobbies and drive her around. She goes out to party with her friends, while my son stays at home and he constantly needs to do things for her.

 ;)

ljwallace

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2010, 01:47:35 PM »
The saying: A daughter is daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son until he takes a wife. I wish I had all girls!
My SIL is fine. He is actually confused by our situation....He says he would be mad at his wife, my daughter if she ever treated his mother with such disrespect. But....he isn't insecure in his relationship. I think that makes a difference.

miss_priss

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2010, 02:05:15 PM »
Quote
My son-in-law is the most wonderful man. My daughter is so lucky to have him. He pays for her school, hobbies and buys her nice gifts, my daughter can go out and spend with her friends, he helps her out in house chores and fulfills her every wish.

My daughter-in-law on the other hand is too lazy and demanding. My son has to do all the work around the house, pay for her hobbies and drive her around. She goes out to party with her friends, while my son stays at home and he constantly needs to do things for her.

WHOA FAITH!  LOL!  Do you realize that your Son and your SIL do the EXACT same things?  I hate to point out the obvious but.....
     1.  Pays for hobbies and nice things
     2.  Helps around the house (in whatever capacity)
     3.  Lets her go out with friends

It sounds like your SON does all the things your perfect SIL does, and your DD and DIL get similar treatment from their marriages...but you think of them differently?  Your daughter is a lucky girl to have this guy who gives her everything she wants.  Your DIL gets the exact same things, but she's bad?  Interesting.

It sounds to me like your son gives your DIL everything your SIL gives to your DD, but you wrote about one very positively and one very negatively.  Very interesting!   

Here's a thought:  Does your DIL's mother think her SIL "is the most wonderful man?"  She should!  How ironic would that be!!
« Last Edit: August 05, 2010, 06:08:55 AM by miss_priss »

Alicev

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2010, 02:16:09 PM »
I now miss_priss :)

I am not a MIL myself though, I wrote that this is how a typical mother would talk about her son-in-law and daughter-in-law. It is more meant as a joke but there is some truth to it.

ljwallace

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2010, 02:19:55 PM »
I heard that one before....it's just a joke. Faith, thanks for making me laugh.
Kathleen: Thank you for seeing things in my eyes today. You spoke what I needed to say. I appreciate that.

barelythere

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2010, 02:32:01 PM »
I heard that one before....it's just a joke. Faith, thanks for making me laugh.
Kathleen: Thank you for seeing things in my eyes today. You spoke what I needed to say. I appreciate that.

I love Kathleen and I need to add her to my love post.  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2010, 04:36:38 PM »
It's pretty obvious that the dynamics can be very different. I never had a daughter so I haven't had first-hand experience. But mother/daughter add SIL...great. Mother/son add a DIL...watch out prevails! Hummmmm....
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2010, 04:51:26 PM »
We've had mothers of daughters write about SILs who are trying to separate their daughter from her FOO, and the response has been quite different, if I recall. I think I remember people writing in about it being a form/symptom of abuse & that abusers will separate their spouse or partner from friends and loved ones. Shouldn't the opposite also be true? That a DIL who wants to "cut DS from the herd" be considered abusive as well?

Also, we tend to not say about a wife who is being separated from family and friends, "She's doing it of her own accord - if she wanted to maintain a relationship with her FOO she would 'grow a pair' and do so."

Abuse is abuse? Goose/gander?

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cdb

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2010, 11:02:49 PM »
You Bet daughter's can be the same way! I have been posting about mine under Adult Sons and Adult Daughters. I would appreciate any replies to my posts. If you read my first one that says I am new. I was really desperate then. I have a son and a daughter-in-law and do not have the problems I do with my daughter and boyfriend. When my daughter had her first baby, I was with her for anything she needed or needed to buy at a sale or discounted price. Do I get any thanks now, NO. The first father was never involved in her daughter's life. We were a family to her and babysat or did anything to help in her raising while our daughter dated and went to meetings AA. Now, she changed once she has a boyfriend that makes more money than us and gives her whatever she asks for. He bought a house for them. My daughter did not want to marry yet. He is wonderful with our first granddaughter, but disrespectful to me at times.
So, I still ponder, why me? But this website shows that I am not alone. Again, please reply to any of my posts. I need all the help I can get. cdb   PSSS, going to print off the newborn's pic from the computer hospital site so I have one to show people  :(

cremebrulee

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2010, 04:15:47 AM »
There are many reasons why Miss Priss:  Good thought provoking thread...thank you

While there are many problems out there between mothers and daughters, seriously don't think it's as prevalent as between MIL's/DIL's.

And there are hoards of MIL's/DIL's who do get along, so they are not looking for websites with the same problem.

As far as SIL's and MIL's it usually works unless the SIL is abusive, lazy, etc.  However, usually opposite sexes get along famously.

As far as women, they can be brutal...which is one of the reasons why DIL's and MIL's don't get along....some women will hold a grudge forever, some women are controlling...some are down right sick....

I work within a huge corporation and I'd never work for another woman...in all the years I've worked, have only encountered two women who were good leaders.....and I mean no insult to anyone here....however, it's what I've seen and many others have seen.  Most women were put in positions b/c they are women...they are coddled by they're hirer....they have children at home and some of them are down right angry they are working....or feel guilty...some blame everyone else for they're mistakes...some are so concerned about creating a position for themselves, they will step on anyone to get where they're going....I've seen women come into a position, and illogically do wasteful things, I've seen women ruin careers and lives....some micro manage...I've seen they're secretaries cry and quit and bounce back and forth in positions, due to the deplorable way women run they're groups.  Some even encourage back stabbing....and believe me, there are men like this, however, not nearly as many.

What I'm trying to point out is that women can be difficult to get along with....and a mother doesn't get to choose her son's wife.  Or visa versa...so, you clash two women together where one or both are stubborn....immature, jealous, demanding, has no regards for boundaries...and expects something she's always dreamed of in a marriage or in a DIL but it doesn't work out that way...well, you're going to have a problem. 

Believe it or not, I work with many young girls who are career oriented, with college degrees...we've talked about this subject many times...however, these women are mature and confident....I've noticed, and again, please note, I'm not talking about anyone in here....it's what I've observed outside of this forum in real life.

First, I've never known anyone personally who had a MIL/DIL problem.  And the young girls I work with all love they're MIL's, dearly....but again, they are very confident girls, who are brilliant, and aware of the feelings of others...they've not only got a good education under they're belts, but also travel and worldly experiences with all kinds of people.  I think that makes a big difference.  Not in all situations, but many...another reason is when people come from horrible childhoods...that also adds to the situation...

If a person is immature, has very little confidence in themselves....hasn't had an education except for high school, hasn't traveled and has a hard time with social skills that person, might, and I say might, be a problem in a MIL/DIL situation.
because there are also many women who come from that same kind of background who are very stable successful people.

So one can attribute many reasons to your question...many...and I do believe there are people out there with SIL problems, however, the SIL is so abusive, that they would fear writing in any forum. 

But there are many more problems with women then there are with MIL/SIL's.  Because opposites attract.

And I'm certain there are FIL's who don't like they're SIL's however, men don't let it get as bad as women do...you put two women in the same kitchen, your bound to have problems...LOL


Sassy

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2010, 09:57:41 AM »
(Please excuse me if I am veering too off topic here but I want to jump in).

Creme I have had both male and female supervisors. My co-workers and I have had the male boss - female boss discussion.  I have had female supervisors I've enjoyed and been highly motivated to work for, and those good women all have one thing in common.  They all smoke cigarettes. 

When I first saw a picture of Barack Obama smoking outside the White House, it made me feel good.  I think I imagined him getting a few minutes to get his thoughts together, regulate his breathing, and then coming back in with a good sense of his next task at hand. 

(I don't smoke and never have, neither do my parents or DH.)  Just anectodal observation...



miss_priss

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2010, 10:01:59 AM »
Sassy - that made me laugh, because I think you have a point there!  :D

I used to smoke when I was in college and when I first started to work in my field...I miss that few minutes to breathe some "fresh air"(LOL), collect my thoughts, get my act together, and go on about my day.  I quit smoking a few years ago and I know it was for the best, but the years I smoked were definitely the "calmest" of my life! 


cremebrulee

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2010, 10:33:33 AM »
(Please excuse me if I am veering too off topic here but I want to jump in).

Creme I have had both male and female supervisors. My co-workers and I have had the male boss - female boss discussion.  I have had female supervisors I've enjoyed and been highly motivated to work for, and those good women all have one thing in common.  They all smoke cigarettes. 

When I first saw a picture of Barack Obama smoking outside the White House, it made me feel good.  I think I imagined him getting a few minutes to get his thoughts together, regulate his breathing, and then coming back in with a good sense of his next task at hand. 

(I don't smoke and never have, neither do my parents or DH.)  Just anectodal observation...

I smoke, but have presently started Chantix...so wish me luck...
I find your observations interesting...but can understand the logic behind it....
thanks
There are some women who are in leadership who are really good, but in my opinion, more that are not....

cremebrulee

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Re: Is it ONLY sons???
« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2010, 10:34:40 AM »
Sassy - that made me laugh, because I think you have a point there!  :D

I used to smoke when I was in college and when I first started to work in my field...I miss that few minutes to breathe some "fresh air"(LOL), collect my thoughts, get my act together, and go on about my day.  I quit smoking a few years ago and I know it was for the best, but the years I smoked were definitely the "calmest" of my life!

Good for you, congratulations...just hope I don't turn into one of those obsessive anti smokers, b/c I've quit....LOL