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Started by catchingup, July 14, 2010, 06:36:19 am

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July 14, 2010, 06:36:19 am Last Edit: July 14, 2010, 06:39:26 am by catchingup

I had a very bad experiance in our community church where I was accused of something I did not do.
I wont go into this but to put it bluntly I became a victim and spent a good number of years trying to win back peoples --lets call it --Recognition. I was always on the defensive mostly complaining to husband who did not listen.
Unfortunately never answered people in church back but would withdraw into myself and fret.
Then one day I turned my back and walked away from church. Bluntly told the minister I will take no more crap or is it crape. "Oh!! dont swear like that" he said. His reaction turned my life around .At last I had a reaction. I said "This is goodbye and as far as you are concerned,shut up"

Well !! People who ignored me for years were suddenly extending invitations to this that and other but my mind was made up and leave I did.

Funny human nature. I think this is why I am able to handle this problem with FDIL and family.
I just know how not to be a victim.
In this situation I was accused again of ,not doing, but saying something I did not say and I could have tried to suck up to them--know what I mean but dont like to say this but I think the "sucking up" is reversed.
I wont take advantage of any humility that comes from them but I will be weary until I can trust them again.
Whether that will ever happen and whether we can be on friendly terms--I mean relaxed friendly terms remains to be seen.
I mean either we are relaxed in the company of people or we aren't.

I think we all have those experiances in life when we meet someone for the first time and feel as if we have known them forever. These people normally become firm and lasting friends with whom
we can share our innerselves and know we are understood.

Where problems arise within the IL family or our own DS and DD's it seems the more we react and show our hurt and the more we allow them to think their rejection or hurt has a reaction on us the more they will do just that.

I want to be Blase!!! It helps my sanity.


We can't be a victim unless we take that stance. I agree. It took me forever and a day to learn that. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes, I have been through the same sort of thing. People get it into their heads that you are a certain kind of person and then read everything you do through a filter that makes your behavior fit in with the kind of person they have decided you are.

For instance, my boss believes I am the kind of person who is "good at keeping things from her" when really she is the kind of person who doesn't remember what she was told five minutes ago. Instead of accepting her own deficiencies, she would rather believe that I am a sneaky employee who has some sort of agenda. I never tell her anything in person anymore. Even if she is standing right next to me, I email her if there is something she needs to know. Doesn't matter how careful I am, she still thinks of me in the same way.

Unfortunately, I have run into this within my own family and it has been pretty bad. My mom and sister love drama and I was their favorite target. They would take something I said or make something up, assign the worst motive they could think of, get upset, and then talk to everyone else in the family about it. By the time I heard about it weeks or months later and straightened it out with them, it had become truth to those they talked to about it and of course they never set those people straight. This changed how those people thought about me and they don't talk to me anymore. Well, since I don't talk to my Mom or my sister anymore either, some of those people have become targets, have rethought those things they heard about me, and have initiated contact.

I think that showing our vulnerabilities to some people only makes us a target, makes us seem weak because rather than insisting on reasonable boundaries, we rely on their honor and good nature to respect decent boundaries. It is when we show that we don't care or that we are not wimps that they become afraid because they might actually have to face consequences for their bad behavior.


That is so right on, Justus.  Showing weakness to some people does make us a target.  It's hard, though because sometimes we do feel weak.  Cannot show it to some people----ever.