Author Topic: unsupportive parents  (Read 1456 times)

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Kinzey

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unsupportive parents
« on: July 13, 2010, 10:03:11 AM »
Hey its been a while since I have been on here but I have been having some problems.
My husband just graduated from boot camp and I am so happy for him that he is following his dreams. His parents are not so happy and being brats about it pretty much. The original plan was for me to ride to the graduation which is a 13 hour drive from where I live and 10 hours from where they live together. However before he left his parents made some remarks regarding my housekeeping skills and had a family "outing" with my husband his sister and conviently forgot to invite me along so I decided to just go to the graduation on my own and not mess with them. My father being the saint that he is decided he would drive me himself so I wouldn't have to go alone. When we got there it was clear that it was a competition between his mom and I for my husband's attention. When he was released to see his family he came straight to me and hugged me first which ticked his mom off and the entire day she was fighting for his attention. She even made a remark about me being queen of the day for getting to sign him off base since I am his wife and technically his next of kin now.
What gets me the most is that they are very public with their opinon about their son being in the miltary. They do not like it and they tell everyone that they don't. She even posted it on her facebook about how unhappy she is with his choice which is very childish. They are not being supportive so why are they expecting their son to treat them with priority over me? At some point I feel they need to get over themselves and start supporting their son's decision or just back the hell off. I am getting so mad with how they are still fighting him on this especially now that he is in the service and its done and over with.  They are always telling him that they don't want him doing this and they are expecting him to still do as they say even now! He is a grown man who is married and needs more respect that that!! They never once asked him why he chose to do this or how I felt about it. With me being his wife it was our decision and not theirs!!!
Why would a parent not be proud of their child for making such a brave choice to be in the service? Even if you didn't agree shouldn't you still support them no matter what and not fight with them?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2010, 10:43:36 AM »
Hi, Kinsey, nice to hear from you again. This is the perfect place to vent. We care...deeply. To my way of thinking, the "why" doesn't matter. We never know why others do what they do and sometimes they don't know either. We can put a lot of energy into "whys" that is better used elsewhere.

They are how they are...they believe what they believe...and they act how they act. You know that your marriage matters and your mutual decisions matter and that you are grown and represent a new family unit. You make the decisions and when reasonable, consult others. And you know consulting them is not reasonable because they want to control their "child."

On the subject you mentioned about housekeeping...it may be something you might want to pay attention to. Not to please them...but to make your life easier. This is a good place to get good suggestions about that if you want to ask. I was initially a horrible housekeeper. What I learned was that if I only put things down where they belonged...I never got in a mess. So I created that habit and now it's automatic and has been for a long time. People remark about my house and think I must spend hours keeping it neat. I don't; it just stays that way.  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2010, 05:16:07 PM »
I've never been anal about my housekeeping...there are so many other things I'd rather be doing, that I just can't worry about it.  Don't get me wrong, I vacuum, do the laundry, make the beds, dishes and keep the bathroom clean.....I just don't compare my skills with other family members.  I'm that happy medium sorta housekeeper and my hubby is fine with it.   It gripes the heck out of one of my SILs....her pov to deal with.   My MIL could complain about it to her heart's content....but, she forgets I have seen her housekeeping, so I took it with a grain of salt.

As I have posted before, my eldest was in the Navy.   Various members of my family have served at one time or another, so for what it is worth....PLEASE give your Hubby a big Hug and a thank you from me for his service.   For YOU, a big hug is coming your way too!  You are serving in a major capacity too.   If your in-laws can not be there for the two of you....remember, my heart and soul is backing you guys up. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2010, 05:21:15 PM »
I'm sort of lazy about things I don't like to do. My housekeeping is efficient because I want to do other stuff.  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kinzey

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2010, 06:40:03 AM »
Thank you for your responses. The thing with my house is that I try to clean it everyweek but I have a very demanding job which sometimes requires me to work 50-60 hours a week and sometimes things get missed. The week that all this happend I was working all day while they went to a baseball game and they got to my house before I did because I was needed at work. I don't think it is appropriate for his parents to tell me how to run my home. His mom doesn't work all the time like we do so she has time to make her house perfect so its really not her place to comment. What kinda ticked me off was that it was his dad who made most of the remarks and he doesn't lift a finger in his home so he really shouldn't be talking. I love my husband but he doesn't help around the house at all and he gets that from his father. I don't make too much of a deal of it because his job is far more demanding than mine.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2010, 10:07:10 AM »
I wonder if you can't replace yourself at home to some degree. When I went to work...I made it clear the the first thing that came out of my check was someone else doing the house work...since I was elsewhere. She came once a week and did a thorough job...including the laundry. (My guy was no help, either, for the same reason.)

How strange that your FIL sees himself in a position to even open his mouth! He has a lot to learn! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2010, 11:30:52 AM »
50 to 60 hour work week....OH HECK YEAH!  That housework would be the LAST thing on the list.  My FIL used to love commenting on my skills, until I gave him a dust rag and the Pledge and told him to "Go for it!".   GRRRRR... now my little devil is all stirred up!

Postscript

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2010, 01:43:46 PM »
I know how it is to have a demanding job and a house to keep.

I tried flylady, but with the reverse seasons and shifts it didn't work for me.  If you're interested (ignore if not) something that I find helps try this http://www.12minutestogo.com/getorganized/index.aspx works on the premise of spending 12 mins a day doing housework.  I found it works better for me, I'm not anal, have two kids laying around and a husband who likes to do projects in my living room and brings his paperwork home, you can imagine the mess lol, I do it for me though I like some semblance of order in my home, not a lot, just a bit of clear space.

I agree that even if your ils are opposed politically/morally etc to the US presence overseas, they should be supportive of their son in his choices.  This is his life now, if they want to be there for graduations etc then they have to accept what he is doing.

MagicGram

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2010, 05:35:06 AM »
Well, they still love him even if they don't agree with his career decision and they are showing that by coming to graduation.

The competing with you problem is insecurity (who's first now?) and would be there whether they agreed with his career decision or not. 

The housekeeping criticism is just rude.  Don't let them have a key and meet them in a public place from now on; you can let them know why.

It was smart of you to drive to the graduation without them.  Start as you mean to go on.

catchingup

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Re: unsupportive parents
« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2010, 11:02:15 PM »
Kinsey in your first post here you say "I have a very demanding job"
You refer to your husband as not helping round the house,say you love him and dont expect him to help with housekeeping because his job is more demanding than yours.

Women are far more sensitive to the needs of others than men are.What you are actually displaying here is a typical sympathy "He works hard and I cant expect him to do my job the housekeeping" and I bet you anything you like that if he did help you,you would feel guilty.

Decades ago women were expected to stay at home,keep house and look after children.
In itself a womens job was more demanding than any mans job.

To put it simply he should be helping or paying for help.

When my children were teenagers I did their laundry,fed them and provided their needs,helped with homework,fetched and carried them to school and sport but they were taught make their beds and clean their own rooms.
They took turns with washing dishes.
Saturday morning was cleaning day for everyone. 1 Hour and the five of us had the place organized and cleaned up.

When my youngest son was here for the world cup I heard the vacumn going and went down to see what he was up to. There he was whizzing around and tidying up.
He lives with his girlfriend in the U.K. and they both work and share the housekeeping and cooking.

My other 2 sons do the same.

Your inlaws are very inconsiderate to expect you to carry 2 demanding jobs and then critisize you.
Next time  you visit their home find some dust on the furniture or something out of place and stick your nose in the air and say"Does anyone ever clean around here" It might do them good to have a taste of their own medicine.

My MIL was a sergeant major in the army and when she visited she walked into my home like a sergeant major as if it was inspection time.No matter how clean and tidy the house was she would find fault.

One Sunday when she was visiting I made sure the floor tiles were left --not dirty--but in need of a clean and when she pointed it out I told her "Sunday is a day of rest,it can wait till tomorrow?

Slowly but surely I pulled the carpet from under her,told her that when I married her son I did not join her regiment.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2010, 11:18:56 PM by catchingup »