Author Topic: I want to accept my soon to be daughter in law  (Read 355 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline FDIL

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
I want to accept my soon to be daughter in law
« on: May 08, 2018, 11:56:25 AM »
My son is getting married this October, after a 5-year relationship and 2-year engagement. He is six years older than she is.

I feel really selfish and I hate that I feel this way but I keep hoping he changes his mind and calls off the wedding. I want to be happy and if this girl makes him happy I want to learn to accept it. I don't want to be the reason for any of his unhappiness.

There isn't anything particular to justify how I feel. IT's purely selfishness or reasons that shouldn't matter but do. My future daughter in law comes from a poor background. She grew up with a single mother, and from what I have gathered spent a lot of time taking care of her younger sister, while her mother worked a lot of jobs because she had no education.

While my FDIL finished a two-year program trade program all on her own, which I find impressive since she had very little parental support. My son helped pay off her ten grand student loan, which could have been money saved for his future. We managed to pay for his schooling so he wouldn't have to struggle. But he seemed to make someone's else problem his.

I've nice to her and treat her with respect but I do think she senses I'm not warm and super inviting. Recently I met her mother, at my son's request because it was important that I at least get to know the "other" grandmother. Her mother is nice but I think "redneck" and I can't help but judge.

There isn't really any reason despite just thinking that my son is settling, that I can say that could justify why I don't want him to marry her. They are paying for their own wedding, he is independent, and they both recently bought a condo together. I just need advice on how to go forward with this.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8939
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: I want to accept my soon to be daughter in law
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2018, 01:45:12 PM »
Welcome, F. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


I admire how candid your post was. We all have filters whether we know it or not that direct our opinions and reactions.


What I had to do was get that my son was an adult and in charge of his own choices. It took me forever because after all of the years of directing him through his childhood, I just didn't get that it was time for him to take it from there. His decisions taught him...or they didn't...but it was his process.


My sense is that your son has been careful not to move too quickly and knows what he wants.


For me, the next move was letting go and focusing on what made me happy. That's all I can share except that it worked. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Bamboo2

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 218
    • View Profile
Re: I want to accept my soon to be daughter in law
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2018, 07:02:49 PM »
Hi FDIL,
I had some of that disappointment you speak of when my daughter got involved with a troubled BF, too.  His single mom enabled him to laze around after dropping out of HS and work occasional jobs until he'd get fired or just not show up.  He took advantage of both his mother and my daughter - with their permission, of course.  I still had to be careful not to be critical of them to my daughter, even though I had plenty I wanted to say, and sometimes DID say.  I didn't want to alienate my daughter or force her to take sides against me, which she actually did anyway, but I didn't want to give her any more reason to choose his family over ours.  There was a lot of letting go of expectations, hopes and dreams on my part.  The grief was enormous.

Having said all that, to my eyes, your future DIL sounds like a rock star in comparison.  She has completed a training program and seems to want a better life for herself.  She helped support her single mom by taking care of her sister. Your son seems like someone you can be proud of, independent and caring.   I'd focus on those strengths of this couple as they look toward their future together.