Author Topic: Difficult AD  (Read 773 times)

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Offline SuzyQ

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Difficult AD
« on: April 05, 2018, 12:42:18 PM »
Hello everyone- I think I found this forum by mistake, but certainly glad I did. I will try to share my story as succinctly as possible.Eight years ago me and my female spouse were asked to take in my two nieces.One was 3 the other a year and a half. The eldest left home at 17 because she didn't like the rules we put in place.Nothing out of the ordinary, no sleepovers during the school week, no boys in the bedroom, help with chores etc... We were not sad that she left as she was very difficult and had a lot of issues that years of counseling couldn't help.She left and never looked back. My other niece who we refer to as our daughter is now 19 and we are starting to feel confused about our relationship with her. Since  she turned 18, there has been little sharing from her to us.She decided to begin dating a boy with whom we really don't know besides his name and what he looks like.She shares nothing with us about ANYTHING their anniversary, what he gives her for gifts, plans that they may be making etc. However, they share everything that they are doing with his parents.She stays with his parents over the summer and seems to feel very at home with his family, but won't bring him around our house.Yes, he knows that we are a same sex couple. Lately, I spotted some very unkind things that our AD was saying on social meeting and it was extremely hurtful as we have been nothing but gracious, understanding, loving, and kind but yet we aren't worth her sharing things with us. She gets money when needed, asks for help with her car repairs and the like.However, now we really don't know where to go from here.Maybe we have been too nice. I don't want our relationship to be damaged, but we are tired of getting "dirt kicked in our face." Thanks

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 03:35:56 PM »
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.


Reading achieved posts may be helpful for you. We have seen many situations here like you describe. My take is your relationship is probably not an issue...it's an excuse.


What I had to learn in my own case of alienation involving my eldest son, was that taking the abuse was to agree. Once I took a stand, (which also involved stopping financial assistance), I retrieved my self-respect. He made his choice, which was his right, and I moved on. Did I like it? No. Did I deserve it? No. Did I survive it? You bet! Hugs... 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 06:18:06 PM »
Hi SuzyQ,
I'm glad you found us, too.  So sorry about what you are going through.  I have an AD who also did things that made me miserable for a while.  She played emotional games and I sometimes just got sucked right in.  Not healthy dynamics.  After enough rudeness on her part, I finally figured out that I did not deserve that treatment and let her know that.  The relationship was strained, and like your situation, my daughter gravitated toward her BFs family, who all thought she walked on water.  They didn't give her any rules or consequences as we had at our home.  Anyway, I let her know what I would accept and not accept and I stopped bending over backwards to help her or give of myself.  There was a period of no communication, as she hadn't thought she'd done anything wrong, or just would not face it, but eventually things got better and we moved forward.  She is the type to hold a grudge, so I never knew what to expect, but I trusted it would all work out either way.  I felt I had to be willing to lose the relationship if it meant keeping my self-respect intact.  Scary thoughts, but to have a relationship where she walked all over me was just not good for me and only served to make me angry and resentful.  I deserved a peaceful life, and you do, too.  (((Hugs)))

Offline SuzyQ

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2018, 04:33:01 AM »
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles too. We are not sure this will turn out for us. I think where we went wrong in parenting her, is that we gave 100 % of ourselves and our resources financially and otherwise.I think she grew to have an expectation of us and anything less is unacceptable to her. But, she is not truthful about her future plans with this boy or about her intentions with us. I think maybe she doesn't bring the boy around either because she tells him how awful we are and if he came over he would see that she isn't telling the truth, or if she brings him over we will see that he isn't a good fit for her..Either way, she is 19 and we do not parent her on that level anymore.We have laid ground rules for just letting us know when she will not be home so we don't worry and she has been very good about that.She just isn't truthful to others about how we treat her and how good she has it at home.We are going to take a stand and tell her that since she feels his family treats her so much better than we do, she can ask them for money when she needs it or they can help her out from now on where we will keep our purse strings tightened.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2018, 09:15:55 AM »
Times have sure changed. When I was young, I was born in 1927, children were expected to seriously carry part of the family workload, which back then was considerable.


With our sons we had to face that our biological assignment was very different. Not easy after all the years of supporting, advising and supervising to let go. Even though our job was done, it sure didn't feel like it as we watched them make one poor choice after another...sometimes learning from the consequences...sometimes not. And yet that is what young adulthood and leaving home was all about; experimentation and hopefully, eventually, maturity.


Even though the ball was no longer in our court, they wanted us to continue to serve them with no strings attached and hated us for not doing that. I was a hard time for all of us.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2018, 12:16:57 PM »
Good for you to close the bank of Mom.  We did the same thing when it was clear that it was an expectation and there was no appreciation.  We even made a list of all we had paid for over a year's time - boy did that make our daughter mad.  We held firm.  We had been good and generous parents, just like you. Guilt trips, silent treatments , that's what we got in return. The women here helped me stay strong.  In your shoes I'd be careful not to say anything about that BFs family helping her since they have such a close relationship. If you just approach your decision not to support her financially as giving her the opportunity to learn how to manage money (as we all had to do in our young adulthood), there will be one less thing for her to get angry about.  I've done it both ways but I had to learn to keep my resentment to myself. My daughter was pretty tight with BFs mother while they were living together,  which nearly destroyed me, but I finally got past that as I chose to not hear about her or their relationship anymore.  Then I started focusing on my time with DH and ways to enjoy our post-parenting time.  There is a life after parenting 😊

Offline SuzyQ

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2018, 10:23:32 AM »
Thank you for the feedback- To conclude what my experience has been over the past several months, things finally came to a head. I had to confront my AD about something unkind she said about a gift she received from us.I asked her about it and she replied that it was just a joke....I asked her to explain the joke as we did not find it funny....I then told her to grow up and accept responsibility for actions and that she has no reason to lie to us about ANYTHING as she is an adult. I told her that the line has been drawn in the sand and if she wants to continue to alienate us from her life that she could, but that we would go on with our lives no matter what.She then, near the end of a very long conversation began to cry and told us a few things that we felt counseling may help with.She will be seeking counseling about her private issues, but still tries to say that what we saw was still just a joke...I reminded her that every time something like this occurs, and she says unkind things about us, she claims it was only a joke..... I told her that no matter what we love her and we want to remain in her lives, but only she can decide if we get to still be a part of her life moving forward.My spouse and I will talk about everything we want to do for our future in private conversations and plan accordingly. Parenting is definitely  not for wimps. Good luck to everyone in the parenting process. We have learned that sometimes a parent's heart get broken, but with time, it will heal!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Difficult AD
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2018, 07:16:59 PM »
Thank you for bringing us current. It's a tough decision to make and I hope you find peace as you move on with dignity. You deserve the best and it may still surface as your daughter learns and grows. It sound like you may feel complete and are ready to close this thread. Let us know. Your membership and participation will continue. It's only this conversation that would end. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama