Author Topic: Re: Ungrateful Grown Children  (Read 578 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Puddum

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Ungrateful Grown Children
« on: March 27, 2018, 06:21:53 PM »
My two adult daughters never remember me on important occasions  I've never told them that this is acceptable behavior and the holidays are very difficult for me to endure.  I agree w/the people who've referenced the pre-established "status quo" as time goes by.  However, my daughters DO remember their father at important occasions which can only mean that they're intentionally forgetful of me. 

One year was particularly difficult when my oldest daughter was giving me a rotten attitude during the entire Christmas season.  So, I filled her younger sister's stocking with gifts that year and hung a bag of fake coal in the place of the nasty daughters stocking.

 My ex has always maligned me to the girls yet I was the bread winner during our marriage.  I do believe a lot of this stems from a form of alienation which usually runs a lot deeper with these children then them just being thoughtless towards us on important occasions.

Offline cecelikesart

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Ungrateful Grown Children
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2018, 03:35:42 PM »
Hi, I just found this forum and have been reading some of the stories on here. I am a single parent of almost 19 year old twins. They are constantly fighting and as I am reading some of the other stories I believe that I have given them too much as well and I have become more of a friend than a mother. I know I have blurred the boundaries and for that I am sorry. When I grew up I had a mom who was forced to leave due to schzioprenia and I was raised Catholic by my dad  until age 11 and then by my dad and my step mom. She improved our lives greatly. I think because of some of the pains I experienced early on, I wanted to be the best mom possible. I raised them in the church and so there are very aware of and empathetic adults who care deeply about others; such as homeless, they've been on mission trips, and so forth. However, they do not show any care or respect for our home. They will not pick up their dishes, or wash dishes or do any kind of "work." When they were growing up, I had chore charts and made them do work but I always compromised so now as they are 18 now they do as they chose. They come and go as they chose and I always know where they are and I know they are safe. I pick them up and take them to work, ect, and I always try to take the loving road whenever possible. But lately Ive been so upset; the anger and resentment is growing in me. I took them to family therapy and they both quit.  I took them both to counseling. They both have anxiety and depression but refuse to take the medications and I feel that since they are older now they should make that choice for themselves but I always offer therapy. When one of the twins was having anxiety issues I took her right away to a Dr. and she was medicated. Now fastforward a few years, same situation, only last year I had to pay a lot of money for another Dr. appointment for another reevaluation and then after that they wanted her to go to therapy and I tried two therapists for her and she didn't like them. So now, she refused after all the money that went into the appointment to take anything other than a PRN for anxiety and now she just uses pot to help her cope. I really don't know what to do anymore because the boyfriend she had for over a year fell apart and now they are just "friends" but he is a bad influence on her. They are both unmedicated in other words and they say really mean things to each other and I am constantly trying to get them to see each others point of view and try to put out the fires. They are always trying to hurt each  other and compete for my attention. Today I told them they should be please just move out and take their dysfunctional attitudes elsewhere. I am starting to feel more and more angry because I do so much for them. I do everything and I rarely get a thank you and they act like no matter what I do, its never enough. They are in college in their first year now. I want the best for them and Ive done the best I can but I am 53 and I feel I am so lost as to what to do. I am a teacher so I don't make a lot of money and my money is never enough for them.  Thats basically it. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ive made chore charts, Ive had talks, family talks, but I am just one single old me and I can't do it alone.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 01:27:33 PM by Stilllearning »

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 461
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: Ungrateful Grown Children
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2018, 01:26:22 PM »
Welcome Puddum and cecelikesart! 

Welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go the our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I have been thinking about your posts and all of the frustration you have both expressed.  It was so hard for me when things were falling apart between my DS and me.  I bent over backwards trying to "fix" things.  I reasoned and pleaded and cried.  I tried so hard to figure out why I was being treated that way.  I certainly did not deserve that treatment, and yes he overlooked birthdays, Mother's Day (even though he remembered Father's Day), Thanksgiving, and even Christmas.  I just kept trying to make things back the way they used to be.  I do not know why I wasted so much of my life trying to get back what I had lost.  It took me a long time to realize that the young man I wanted to reconnect with was gone.  He had changed and there was no way he was going to go back, he was just different.

Once I realized that very difficult fact I next had to re-evaluate my relationship with him.  When I did I figured out something amazing.  I really did not enjoy spending time with him anymore.  I was always on edge, worrying about what I said and afraid that I would make things worse.  Wow!  What an eye opener that thought was!  Not only was it an eye opener, but it was also a liberating moment.  Why was I working so hard to be around someone who treated me so badly?  Why was I tolerating such abuse?  Did I really want to continue a relationship with someone like that? 

I looked around and saw all of the people I love who were sick and tired of hearing me rant about things and I realized that if I did not change things I might loose them too.  So I changed.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun but it was possible.  Every time I thought about my DS and DIL I would force myself to stop and turn my thoughts to happier things.  I started living again and enjoying life.  My new mantra became "No news is good news" and I said it to myself multiple times a day.  Holidays were hard (and still can be) but by focusing on the things in my life that bring me joy I get through them.  I also started de-emphasizing holidays.  I now move Thanksgiving around according to the weather (who wants to be stuck in the kitchen when it is beautiful outside?) and we have Christmas somewhere close to the 25th.  I think you get my drift.

I think every Mom gets taken advantage of by their children as far as chores go until the children move out.  I certainly did and I really resented it.  I did not find anything that worked well as far as chores were concerned but once they were in college (even while living at home) my DSs spent less and less time at home so it became less and less of an issue.  Sometimes we just have to hang in there (like having a fussy baby). 

So once again welcome and I hope you spend some time looking through the many posts here.  I am sure you will find posts that ring true with your situation and will bring you some measure of comfort.  We all know what you are going through and we wish you the very best.  You both deserve a life full of joy and laughter.  Your parenting days are drawing to a close and you both did the very best you could at the time. 

Hugs from all of us!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown