Author Topic: Easter  (Read 1213 times)

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Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Easter
« on: March 27, 2018, 07:32:30 AM »
I am constantly struggling with my relationship with DS and DIL.  Now another holiday.  I spoke with DS, and he seemed to not remember the holiday and tried to just gloss over it by saying "i think something's going on that wkend".
School is on break and DIL and grands are going away with her mom, again.  This is the second wk that they have visited DIL mom and stayed with her.  She spends wks at their place also. In January she was there in their home for 2 wks.  Over christmas i was told that DIL's mom doesn't feel comfortable with us. I had figured that because every time we want to visit and she is there, i am told we can't come.  It was a little shock to hear it said out loud, though.

So, the other grand is in control and gets unlimited visits and when she is there, we can't visit. I know i can't control this and I need to not compare and let it go.  It is just really hard.

My first reaction is to just cancel Easter celebration.  The rest of the family just wants a meal - whether a special holiday dinner or not they just want to get fed.  They don't care about decorations, easter egg hunt or baskets.

I know  that i need to make this a special day for the rest of the family, but my heart is not in it.
It is so hard to wade through this mess.

Thanks for listening.  I am so grateful to have this forum to come to and vent.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Easter
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2018, 11:06:27 AM »
Awww...sorry for what you're going through.  These holidays can do a number on us, and just serve as a stark reminder of the distance between us and our AC. For me, the traditions associated with the holidays have felt hollow when the ones who would enjoy them were not present. When my DD was absent, it just made me imagine all the fun she was having with that "chosen" family.  In your situation,  I'm wondering if some of the traditions can change now.  Maybe the baskets and hunts don't need to continue, and you can reshape the holiday to something that is uplifting to you.  In your shoes, I might ask myself what would really make the day special for me.  Or even less difficult. You could "retire" from hosting holiday festivities if you feel like you alone are carrying them out, ask for help, have someone else host, or do something entirely different. 

Hugs...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Easter
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2018, 11:36:52 AM »
What a bummer, G. If I had a magic wand...


We are here for you and we get it loud and clear. I agree with B. regarding the possibility of reassessing what you could 'move on to' that might bring you joy. When there's nothing left except pain and disappointment, it seems reasonable to consider creating new traditions. Some here take cruises, some go camping, some buy tickets to events...we are all unique. What I did when face with 'tradition extinction' was to hit the trail in our motorhome. We packed up our two little pups, locked the doors and headed out. The hardest part for me was getting that the decisions my eldest son and his lady made didn't have to shape my life. It sure felt like it! Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline jdtm

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Re: Easter
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2018, 12:16:25 PM »
I understand totally.  We have two sons; two DILs, four grandchildren and several step grandchildren.  This year I just don't feel well enough to host Easter (even at a restaurant).  I do not know what either are doing - can't call and ask.  So, do I purchase chocolate candy just in case someone drops in?  Probably will and then what to do with it (and no, eating it is not an option).   Anyway, probably will go to church and then out to a restaurant with hubby (or fast food place as we won't have reservations).

Each year is easier but not much.  Hopefully the weather will be nice - that helps. Sorry - not much help - sad too ...

Offline shiny

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Re: Easter
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2018, 02:46:37 PM »
G, So sorry for your pain -- it's just not right!

I have similar situation: DIL and GKs are closely connected to her family (every day/week), and she avoids us like the plague. (Even though over the years we've showered her with love/kindness).
DS calls every two weeks for brief five minute chat. (Hey, how are you--we are fine, etc. He's too busy to connect deeply with the heart, if you know what I mean.)
Holidays have been a royal pain --for my family-- NOT DIL's. Her family is first choice. (Sometimes ONLY choice)
Well, I've turned a huge corner and am at peace with all of it.
Just this morning, I reminded myself of how far I've come in the past year.
Easter is one of my favorite holidays, yet it will be just DH and me.
I haven't mentioned it to any of my AC and they haven't either.
That tells me it's not important for them to gather with us and celebrate.
So why do I want to live in misery because of their choices?
I've been helped a lot by the wise women here, too. Several things come to mind: when I continue to focus on the injustice of it all, I torture myself. They are not torturing me.
Also, my DS and DD have changed into different people over the years, and presently, I don't actually enjoy being around them. Then, DH and I end up doing everything -- cleaning, shopping, preparing meal and even hiding the Easter eggs, cause no one else wants to. And lately, we've been feeling our age, just worn out. So, it will be a joy to go to church, eat nice meal, and relax.
I'm tired of extending invitations only to be rejected or given an excuse.
I don't want anyone coming to my home under obligation.
Years ago, I had hopes and dreams that my family would remain close, and gather together often. Isn't that what loving families do? But we live in a fallen world, and all dreams went out the window. So, we have to learn to live with what we've been given, and do so with a measure of peace and joy. We can give that to ourselves. If we wait on AC to give it to us, we'll be in the grave.
Focus on your other family and friends that are with you, and on yourself. It will get better. Hugs to you.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Easter
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2018, 03:49:56 PM »
I love all the support here.  I have tears in my eyes reading the wonderful words of encouragement.  There is so much wisdom to be gleaned from all of you.  You ladies rock!

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Easter
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2018, 07:00:40 PM »
Hi All,
Gettingoldandcranky I know your pain over this as I asked my DS and DIL to come for Easter weeks ago aND as usual was told it would be spent with her family.  They are the parents of our first and only GC and was so looking forward to all the holidays with a GC.  So not to be, I called my son to say I had an Easter basket for our GC and asked if I could drop it by the day before Easter as I have not seen my 5 months old GS in  2 months.  The response I received was that they would be busy and to just leave it on their front porch.  Stabbed in the gut, yet again.  My struggle to stay above the dark abyss is a daily fight for me and this would send me right down the hole again.  After a conversation with my DH  and his reminders to my about the spiral beginning to gyrate, I just focused on the good I have in my life and had to remind myself this is not my doing.  I think the hardest part for me is hearing others talk about the great times they have with their grandchildren.  Although, I am happy for them, I can't help but feel sorry for myself as this is the relationship I had envisioned with my own GC.  Like others have said, we bring our thoughts to the dark place and that is how we end up feeling aweful, we need to keep those thoughts from bringing us there.  That is what I work on daily.  Focus, focus,  focus are my daily words to myself.  I will get there and I know you will too.  ?
,

Offline jdtm

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Re: Easter
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2018, 07:12:40 AM »
Quote
I think the hardest part for me is hearing others talk about the great times they have with their grandchildren.

Me too.  So, I smile and change the topic of conversation or quietly walk away.  I am happy for them; but try as I might, it is sad for me.  Then, I try to focus on all the blessings in my life (and I have many).  Happy Easter ...

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: Easter
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2018, 06:38:38 AM »
so, the day before easter i find myself cleaning and cooking and shopping.  I decided to celebrate the holiday even without having my grandchildren with us. Why punish the rest of the family and not celebrate - it is a holiday with many happy memories that should not be given up because i feel sad.
 My DS is now home alone, because his wife and kids are with her mom away for a week and SURPRISE!, he is coming for dinner with us.
I don't know why i am amazed when i come here and get support, try really hard to move on, and it just happens that something good works out to replace my negatives.
Not all that I wished for, but grateful for what i have.
Happy Easter, Passover, whatever brings you joy, to all my wonderful wise women!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Easter
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2018, 07:33:18 AM »
Beautiful, G., thank you. What a miracle you have brought to us to share. We have each other! Isn't that something? Hugs
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Easter
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2018, 08:30:01 AM »
Enjoy him and the rest of your family G, I find on the rare times my DS is with me without his spouse he is back to the guy we all know and love.  Enjoy and Happy Easter.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Easter
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2018, 01:18:36 PM »
Yay  :)  So happy to hear this news, G!  Life is certainly full of surprises.  We're all celebrating with you!!

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Easter
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2018, 03:11:17 PM »
Wow G, me, too! I went to drop off my GS easter basket, was expecting to just drop it on my DS front porch when the front door opened.  He was home by himself with my GS, so this Oma got an unexpected visit.  Made my day for sure.  I am so tankful today for both of us.  Enjoy you Easter.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2018, 04:42:09 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Easter
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2018, 04:51:22 PM »
F, I modified your post to remove the references made to your beliefs. This is one of the principles in our Forum Agreement. We are world-wide and our members comes from all kinds of cultures and backgrounds including those with no structured faith. It is my hope to honor everyone. For some Easter is strictly about about bunnies and chocolate. In our initial introduction, we refer all new members to our Forum Agreement so these issues can be considered and addressed.


Happy Holliday!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Frustrated Oma

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Re: Easter
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2018, 05:40:41 PM »
My apologies L