Author Topic: daughter wants nothing to do with us  (Read 632 times)

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Offline my2girls

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daughter wants nothing to do with us
« on: March 24, 2018, 12:08:09 PM »
My daughter now 21, had her daughter, my grandchild 2 years ago. When she got pregnant her boyfriend/father of granddaughter moved in also. Things were ok for a few months but all they did was fight and argue, heard a lot of bad arguments that made it difficult to like the father. About 6 months into living with us he was being very mean and saying horrible things to my daughter while they were arguing he came down stairs and got into my husbands face arguing with him, did not end well and husband and daughters boyfriend got into a physical fight. Big problems, cops and his family involved came to our home trying to fight the remainder of our household. My daughter, granddaughter and her boyfriend/father moved in with his family for about 10 months until he got into an argument with his family and they kicked them out. They moved back in with us(myself, husband and 17yo daughter) things were ok for a short time but then thing became tense, daughters boyfriend did not do anything other than college and work 4 hrs every early AM 4 days per week. Well between out older daughters attitude at everyone in the home except her boyfriend and daughter and her boyfriend not helping with anything around the home things blew up with an argument, my husband kicked them out because he was not going to let it get to bad in our home after the fight that had happened prior. well it has been 5 weeks now, the boyfriend will not come around I had asked my daughter to have them all come over last weekend to visit a little bit and have dinner. My daughter said no because her boyfriend was still mad about what happened and she was busy but we could take our granddaughter for a bit, so of coarse we did. My daughter does not respond to most of our texts and rarely will answer her phone when we call. We asked her earlier this week to come with her dad, sister and I Friday night to do an art class, she declined as she stated she was busy. She is so very distant and I am feeling crazy. I am glad they left as my house was so stressful due to her attitude and how she treated us but he is my daughter and we want to be a part of her life. Our daughters used to be close, literally they don't speak my younger one is so angry with her and how she treats us, I just don't know what to do anymore. I see my granddaughter 2x per week to watch her while my daughter is at class, this past week her father was off for the week so I have not seen or spoken to her at all. Please any advise would be helpful....

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: daughter wants nothing to do with us
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2018, 07:12:17 PM »
Hello, my2girls, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

Sorry for the issues you've been dealing with.  It sure sounds exhausting. It reminds me a little of the previous relationship my own now-23 year old daughter had for four years, minus the child.  She and her BF did not live with us, but we put up with a lot of drama just to keep a relationship going with her.  She, however, only wanted to be with him and his family.  I begged her to spend more time with us, inviting the BF (although my husband and I could see all the red flags she couldn't or wouldn't) just so she would agree to come over.  Then when he started to become abusive to her and actually threatened my husband with violence, we told her we only wanted to see her and not him, nor even hear about him anymore. We didn't see her nearly as much, and she had to figure out a lot of things about him on her own.  When WE tried to tell her our opinions about him it just made her cling to him more tightly and made my husband and me the bad guys. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to placate her and have her join us at any cost.  She had to either value her time with us or not - I feel like I lost some self-respect in the process of constantly chasing her and expecting a close relationship.  I definitely spent a lot of time in tears.

After enough cold treatment from my daughter, I finally got angry enough that I made a decision not to accept that kind of treatment from her ever again, and I told her so. When I decided that I was going to be happy with or without her, even if it meant we wouldn't have a relationship at all, things began to change for me.  Sure, I would invite her to some family events sometimes, but not make a big deal about it or have any expectations that she would join in.  And actually, when she was rude, I actually had more peace and enjoyment when she wasn't around.  Your daughter may value her time with family when she has some time away and you aren't trying so hard to keep the relationship going.  It might be hard to step back, but she knows you love her and it might be time for you to get some well-deserved peace in your life.  In your shoes, I wouldn't give that BF the time of day.  His temper seems frightening and he seems very disrespectful.  I want and deserve a safe, calm home.  You deserve that, too.

None of this was easy, and that relationship lasted four long years, but it's finally behind her and she has found a new guy who brings out much better qualities in her, even helping her to see how adult children should treat their parents.  We still don't see each other all that much, but she knows we love her. 

Wishing you all the best... 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughter wants nothing to do with us
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2018, 12:04:18 PM »
Welcome, M. I agree with B. The harder I tried...the more resistance I got and I paid a terrible price, emotionally. It took me way too long to see that I was enabling abuse and longer after that to find my self respect. However, sticking with resolution instead of acceptance finally paid off. I didn't change my eldest son but I did change myself and my life by valuing both. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline amflautist

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Re: daughter wants nothing to do with us
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2018, 02:22:29 PM »
Dear my2girls, I don't have advice for you but perhaps telling you my experiences in the breakup with my son will help you in your decisions.  It is only 6 weeks since I told my son I am withdrawing from his life.  He has twin sons, 3 years old, and I have not been permitted to see them for 2 years.  It was the stress at home that prevented him giving me an invitation.  I don't even think the circumstances of the stress are important as much as the fact that whenever the topic of his mother visiting came up, he and his wife got into a fight.  Well they treated me badly for 11 years, and I finally got tired of it.  I told him on Feb 15th of this year that his wife had won and I was withdrawing from his life.  He didn't like it, but it was not his choice.  Now here is what I am finding out.  DS calls me and sends me flowers when he is on a business trip, or when he is out doing errands without his family.  Same thing has happened to one of my dear friends who lived on the west coast in the same apartment complex as her son.  Her son, and his girlfriend with a new baby, were treating her like dirt. The girlfriend sent her rude text messages and would not let her see the baby.  After two months of horrid treatment she left town, moved across the country and now lives on the east coast.  Since she left, her son sends her many pictures of the new baby!  No words about his girlfriend, but that may be good.  In both cases, our sons treated us better when we disappeared.  I think it is because the stressor in their lives (mother vs wife/girlfriend) disappeared, and they suddenly realized that yes, they did want a nice stress-free relationship with their mother.  I hope you can find similar peace with your daughter.  It seems that the old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' applies to mothers and sons as well as to lovers.  Maybe it applies to mothers and daughters too.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: daughter wants nothing to do with us
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2018, 02:41:21 PM »
As you can see, M., this is not an advice Website. As AF just mentioned...we share our experience and you get to take what you want and leave the rest. We share the sadness, hopelessness, anger, confusion and above all loneliness of being discarded. There has never been a miracle-cure here. We have all put in long days and longer nights in the healing process of taking back our lives and reinventing our dignity. It's been hard and often a one step forward six back path but we walk with you. You can count on that. More hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline amflautist

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Re: daughter wants nothing to do with us
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2018, 04:04:38 PM »
As Luise said ... we walk with you. You can count on that. More hugs...

Comfort. Joy. Satisfaction. Friendship.