Author Topic: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family  (Read 464 times)

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Offline Jehanne

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Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« on: March 17, 2018, 02:04:23 PM »
Hello everyone, this is my first post. I've read through the messages in Open Me First, and have read through many threads here, and am grateful to you all for the depth of honesty I hear in your voices. My OS and I are adapting to a relationship of complete estrangement with YS+DIL-from-hell and from their two sons, my GK.

Having been subjected to emotional abuse by my father and by my ex, I no longer tolerate abuse, from anyone. YS knows this about me, and yet chose to become an antagonistic foe on the day after his father's death, a time of great crisis for me and his older brother. Prior to that, I had tolerated years of dismissive neglect from YS, and there were periods of conflict and separation from the moment when DIL entered our lives. But the events following my ex's death in April, 2016 were I believe, intended to sabotage whatever relationship we had left that might have been salvaged.

OS and I had hoped to stay in contact with 13 yr old GS, but OS was told that GS does not want a relationship with either of us. That news just came in, so although it's not surprising, it's painful to know that another generation will carry forward these wounds.

Reading Sharon Wildey's "Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma" has really helped me, as the other books I've read on this topic were too focused on not giving up hope for family reconciliation. I'm focused on reconciling what I know and what I never will be able to know, allowing it to be all that it is now and all that it once was. To remember the connection we once had that was very real. He chose this path, it's his to walk without me, and so be it. Authentic relationships are the only kind I want, in my life. Blessings and hugs.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2018, 02:33:21 PM »
Welcome, J. Thanks for running through our new-member check list and letting us know you're complete with that.


For me, the issues with my eldest son were about verbal and psychological abuse and learning that I was condoning it by hanging in. Even the garden-variety birthday cards I sent were seen (and described) as passive aggressive behavior on my part. It was really hard to let go of trying to fix it and how could it not be about me? He said it was and I had no experience with the Blame Game. That was years ago. I now have a grown grandson and a great grand daughter, age 23, that love me to pieces. However, I still remember the pain. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Jehanne

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Re: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2018, 05:41:06 PM »
Thank you Luise. Your responses in these threads are so supportive and wise. Learning to let go of needing to know why our children slipped away from being who we thought they were, and how could it not be about us? Last week, I was back into obsessing over that, but you helped me stop that. It's a choice we can make, to catch ourselves going into a briarpatch of thoughts about ourselves that our estranged kids have designed. Your son naming you passive-aggressive, for example. Mine saying, "Oh, the drama," when I asked him to remove my contact info from his cell. I'd never said it, until the day I meant it. I'm feeling relieved today, which is a seriously welcome state of grace after having had a kind of relapse of grief. OS and GS were extremely close, until my ex, his grandfather died and it's sad that he had to lose all of us at once.

I intended to post this in the forum about sons and daughters. Did I not do that?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2018, 06:51:06 PM »
J., I failed to notice your post was under 'Open Me First'. Just moved it to Adult Sons and Daughters. All is well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2018, 10:00:30 PM »
Welcome, Jehanne.  Glad to hear you're feeling better.  There are some great posts on this site that have surely helped me keep things in perspective when I was in the "briar patch" of confusion and despondence.  Luise has provided us a safe place to give and receive support from each other as we share our experiences and lessons learned.  So glad you're here.  Sorry about the relationship with GS, but he's young and time will tell.  Hugs!

Offline Jehanne

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Re: Nearly two years of No Contact with DS and family
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2018, 08:35:43 AM »
Thank you, Bamboo2, and thanks for moving my post to this forum, Luise. Grief has its way of cycling back in, and for me it hits in the moments when I first wake up. It's like getting hit with the news for the first time, and there's even denial present for a little while, until I work through it and remember that this was a long, painful unraveling that took many years. The deep sorrow is for him...that his misery is so great, he's chosen to inflict harm upon the people who cared most about his well-being.

These 16 points from an article in Psychology Today are good, I think.

If you have been blindsided by stunning malevolence here are 16 Focus Points to help you move on.

16 Focus Points

Survive the event even when you think you cannot (hard to see that there is light when you are in the dark)
Fight despair
Dis-identify with those who do not have your back but should 
Find witnesses who mirror, validate and empathize
Associate with people who are compelled by truth
Indulge in comforts till you regain your footing
Get up when you cannot 
Break contact and cease dialogue with those who are incapable of acknowledging what they have done. Forever
Brush off debris, detritus, bothersome people who are neutral when being upstanding is called for
Start walking, one foot in front of the other; just move
Take back your productivity
Have faith in your natural capacity for love and joy
Hold on to your mental health by working with a good therapist or spiritual guide
Be a member of a community where emotionally perverse interactions are unacceptable
Reach out to others who suffered the same
Don’t be injured, be angry.
Fury is fine, but do not waste time seeking revenge. Trust that comeuppance occurs with time, truth and the psychopath’s long trail of transgressions.Let it go because what goes around comes around even when you are not trying to influence the outcome.