August 21, 2019, 09:13:40 pm


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Not invited to the wedding

Started by dazedandconfused, February 06, 2018, 07:53:24 am

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I'm new here, and I guess I just need a little validation...

My daughter and I have always been very, very close.  I adore her, she is my pride and joy, and she is very open about her love for me.  We have always been able to talk about everything...until now...

She has decided to marry in a civil ceremony to a young man that I'm not confident is the best match for her.  I've kept my opinions to myself, only offering advice such as, "well, honey, you just need to really talk this all out" or "try and see the issue from each other's viewpoint; empathy and compassion for one another is really important."  Her father and I try and be supportive and helpful in a healthy (not enabling) way.  If she expresses that we make a particular effort (i.e., include him in conversation more, etc.) we gladly accommodate.  We do all we can to keep things peaceful and not interfere in their relationship in an unhealthy manner.  I should note that we have been financially helping them on a monthly basis for years now, in the hopes that they were financially preparing for a future together, but it appears that it hasn't happened.

Imagine my heartbreak when she informed me that she will be marrying in a few weeks but her father and I are not invited because her future in-laws can't make it.   :'(  She is disappointed in me because I am sad and not appreciating that she is being sensitive to his parents.  Oh, and I'm not allowed to tell anyone that she is getting married - it's a secret and no one is supposed to know... 

What is going on, here????


Welcome, D. Our standard greeting to all new members is to ask that you go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

My heart goes out to you. My experience when my eldest married was that he seemed to have a hard time combing his former relationship with us with his new, primary relationship to someone outside of our family unit that also brought he another family unit to relate to. He didn't share that and I'm not sure he was aware of his dilemma. He choose, wisely, to align with his spouse but we were still relatively young parents and found it extremely difficult. (They married on a lark when driving though a state that had no waiting period and used a cigar bands for wedding rings!) I had to get that what was going on was their business not mine and that as 'adults', it was their issue to address and, hopefully, learn from.

I recall all too clearly how hard it was for me at his age to make choices that I really didn't understand and had no experience facing. And yet that's how all of us mature...we learn from our successes and have to face the consequences of our mistakes. For our parents it can be very hard to stay out of it because that, too, is a new experience.

My son and I were so close previously that I wasn't prepared for our closeness not to continue. I knew how it could work, he didn't...nor did his wife.

I don't know if any of my experience helps. Others will respond and honor you with theirs. We are here because we have 'been there' and we care. Hugs to you...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


so very sorry to read this.  i am sure it is heartbreaking.  her explanation that the inlaws can't make it so that means you can't come makes no sense.  unfortunately, you are the one who klnows whether being honest with her will hurt or help your relationship.
i am in a similar situation.  sometimes i stay quiet and keep the peace. sometimes i speak up and deal with consequences. sometimes there are no consequences, which is a happy surprise.
one thing i did do when we started to be left out of my ds and dil lives was to stop giving money.  they don't have a connection to us then they don't need financial support from us.  things have improved with us - we see them on holidays and, if i push for a visit they let me come there.
good luck in your journey.  i always try to let ds know we love him.  nothing else to do when they don't want you around.


Thank you both for the thoughtful replies.  It is such a heartbreaking experience, and I did let my daughter know that, while her father and I are respecting their wishes, we are disappointed and deeply hurt.  Nonetheless, we have been kind and loving towards both kids, which is really hard to do!!  My daughter seemed to try having an argument with me (I think it's easier to be angry than feel responsible for hurting someone you love), but I wouldn't go there with her.  This decision is completely out of character for her, and I believe that she will one day sincerely regret her actions. 

I recently read something about finding meaning in disappointment that really resonated with me:  "No matter how horrible your disappointment is or was, it is over now.  Like a tree that grows on the side of a mountain and is bent and shaped by heavy winds, you have been formed, as you are, by the events in your life.  Let it go.  Allow it to have its death in the flow of time, for it is a natural part of time.  Allow its death the be a fertilizer for what you cultivate in the life it has left you."

So I will focus on modeling healthy behavior in the face of disappointment and hurt, because these are emotions we all experience at some point in our lives.  I will try to model grace and humility and loving kindness, despite being very, very sad. 

I'm so sorry for the situation(s) you experience, GandC.  Feeling unimportant to the person to whom you've given everything, including life itself, is a bitter pill.  Doing our best with the right intention can help to bring peace of mind - I hope!!

Luise, you are so correct that learning to "butt out" is an important lesson - and one that I take seriously but surely need more practice with (unless there is abuse involved)!  Thank you for that important reminder!


Welcome, Dazed!  Sorry for the experience you're going through.  It hurts not to be a part of important events in our dear adult children's lives.  That was the case with my young adult daughter.  It took a couple of years for me to get used to her choices to be other places for holidays or other special events and not take it out on her or drown in my sorrow.  I had to be conscious about being grateful for whoever was with me at those special times and let go of the rest.  It made a big difference. 

As far as helping them financially, I've realized with my daughter that my "help" hasn't necessarily been helpful in the way I'd hoped.  I loaned her money for a car, and now resent that I have to ask her for payments each month because she "forgets". I decided that next time she asks for a loan, if there is one, she can just take out a loan from the bank like everyone else who doesn't have the cash.  By loaning her the money myself, I deprive her of that important adult financial experience.  What I've found is that it's best for me to just get out of the way of her learning.  Live and learn.  We are all learning, right? 

I love your quote about finding meaning in disappointment.  I like to look at those twisted trees at the top of a rocky bluff, and wonder what stories they could tell if they could talk.  We all have rich stories as we are twisted by life.  My image of a bamboo, my namesake on WWU, is of a plant that is flexible but not breakable in the face of adversity, and deeply rooted to withstand the trials and tribulations of life.