Author Topic: afraid i crossed the line  (Read 606 times)

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Offline gettingoldandcranky

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afraid i crossed the line
« on: February 05, 2018, 07:24:19 AM »
so i was set for a visit to ds and his family and got sick so i tried to call the night before to cancel.  he didn't answer, which is typical, and his vm is usually full so we can't leave messages.  i emailed to let them know.  dil responded - "oh, no. hope nothing major. when all in good health reschedule."  but not a peep from son.  no call, no email - no "how are you mom?".  sick and hurt, i emailed - disappointed in no call or check on your sick mom.

  we could disappear off the face of the earth and he wouldn't notice.  he never initiates contact and i miss him terribly.

i feel like i should ask for a one on one talk again, but that never seems to last.  he is not a child but doesn't seem to realize that life can change quickly and we might not be around forever and why doesn't he have the love for us that we have for him?
guess i am venting, again.  just hurts, every single time

Offline luise.volta

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Re: afraid i crossed the line
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 08:40:10 AM »
Sorry, G. What you are going through is all too familiar to me. My issues with my eldest son were two-fold. My expectations of him and his expectations of me. When he started middle-school, he started sleepovers with classmates and discovered other kids had more traditional mothers; seen but not heard women, apron clad, that lived to serve. I did not see my role as that of an unpaid domestic. I saw him as he grew up, married and had sons of his own as an adult, or at least a potential adult. We were both deeply disappointed and each of us saw ourself as reasonable and the other as unreasonable.

I brought that to this forum and worked here with others to learn that my son was who he was and so was I. Our expectations had little to do with reality and a lot to do with some notion of what we would prefer and then chose to expect. What I have gotten on WWU and over the last decade given back to those in the same or similar situations, is that others are how they are, even if we raised them and had other plans, and it often has little or nothing to do with what we might think would be reasonable, kind or thoughtful.

Resolution didn't come easily to ether my son or me and we both had many relapses. Eventually we accepted or at least tolerated what we didn't like in each other and made the best of it. The solution didn't lie in changing each other but in learning to focus elsewhere.

My heart goes out to you. I suspect that we all take our turns at being Old and Cranky. I'm 90 and am now applying what I have learned here to my great grand...who is 23! Hugs...

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« Last Edit: February 05, 2018, 08:43:08 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline dazedandconfused

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Re: afraid i crossed the line
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2018, 08:43:08 AM »
I'm really sorry for your hurt feelings, G.  I remember my mom expressing similar feelings to me - I was in my late 20's/early 30's, working full time, a mom of two and a wife to a great guy who had to travel a lot for work.  I was spread so thin!  My mother's habit at that time was to aggressively attack when she had an emotional need - during one call in particular, she said some very hurtful things to me ("you treat us like garbage!" and "we could be dead for days and you'd never know!").  Looking past the anger, I saw someone needing some time and/or attention from me.  I took some time, dried my tears and I asked if we could have a standing lunch date every (I think it was Thursday) so that we had some time to spend together.  It seemed to really help her - and we had some memorable times.  I don't know the logistics of your situation, but maybe a standing phone call or something would work for you both?  I am a believer in finding solutions, so I thought I'd offer something that was really useful for me.

Good luck!!