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Am I Overthinking This One?

Started by kimmieg08, July 12, 2017, 06:19:07 am

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kimmieg08

My husband and I have very different ways of interacting with our son and daughter-in-law.  Hubby is a non-confrontational, "go along to get along" type.  I, on the other hand, will share my feelings if I've been hurt or offended.  Because of this, I have often been labeled the bad guy.

This year for my birthday and Mother's Day, I received gifts from them on both occasions. The same was true for my husband, except his gifts cost three times more than the ones I received.  As I have always been careful about treating my children equally and spending equally on them, the discrepancy was blatantly obvious.  It's not just the dollar amount--His gifts were thoughtful and useful, while mine were things I neither wanted nor needed.

I'm wondering if this is a passive-aggressive move by the two of them.  My husband thinks that I'm reading too much into the situation.  However, I know that if I were to give my other children a gift costing $200 and this one a gift I spent $50, he would definitely notice.  Quite frankly, I'm hurt by the lack of consideration and thoughtfulness, given the efforts I make to be fair and equal with my children, as well as choosing a gift that is thoughtful and will bring joy to the recipient.

What's your take on the situation?

gettingoldandcranky

i'd be upset also.  my husband also doesn't confront or argue.  he leaves it all to me.  dil is obvious with her preference to my hubby and her distaste for me.  such is life.  and this is when i am trying so hard to let things go and be extra nice with her.  intuition is such a strong thing - i know what she really feels and i think she knows me.
i think you should keep being you.  adjust your presents to them - maybe that will help.  i cut out bday checks - makes me feel better than giving to someone who doesn't like me.
you are not overthinking.  you are hurt and you have a right to your emotions. 

Stilllearning

I totally agree that you have the right to be hurt, however dwelling in the injustice of it will only take away from your enjoyment of your life.  After all "What you focus on expands" and this particular part of your life is one that I would think you want to take up less of your emotional energy and your day to day focus.  I spent many sleepless nights and agonizing days ruminating about the things my DIL did and my DS let her get away with.  My life started to rotate around the injustice of it all and honestly it made my life even more unbearable.  I did not start getting better until I figured out a way to focus on the good parts of my life and spend time doing things to make ME (Yes, ME!!) happy.  I started planning things with my DH and ignoring my DS/DIL and their issues.  I stopped letting them take over my every thought and consciously turned my thought to more pleasant things.  I no longer allow them to have the power to affect my outlook or change my mood from happy to irritated.

With that in mind I would take whatever they gave you and either get rid of it or use it or hide it where you will not ever see it.  Every time your thoughts turn to the injustice of it you catch yourself and redirect your thoughts to something you enjoy.  I turn my thoughts to planning a trip that I would enjoy with my DH.  We love camping so that is easy for me.  Whenever my thoughts visit the abyss (as I call it since it always sucks the fun out of me) I yank my thoughts back by planning my camping menu or talking about campsites or wondering about new camping equipment we might buy.  We are planning our fall trips now so it is an ongoing diversion. You will figure out something to dwell on that will improve your outlook on life and recenter your life around your DH and the two of you enjoying life.  You both deserve to enjoy these years, do not let your DS/DIL take the enjoyment you so deserve from you.

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

gettingoldandcranky

Thanks Stilllearning.  working on it!

kate123

Hello GettingOld, I think these kids all went to the same school of thoughtlessness. My son did the same at Christmas. However I am divorced from his father. At Christmas I got a cup. The ex got about $300 in gifts (maybe, probably, more). We were all together. I was so embarrassed. It was as if they all said out loud "we don't really like you, but we had to give you something since you are here, and we had this cup...."  Really what IS the message when your kids do something like that? My thoughts...Just keep putting that knife in my heart, sooner or later it will kill me and you will be happy. I do not do Christmas, birthdays, or any other days anymore.