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Argument with son

Started by raindrops_on_my_soul, July 11, 2017, 11:32:43 am

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raindrops_on_my_soul

Hi wise women,

I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

Marina

Maybe closing the Bank of Mom would change the cycle you are in.  As an adult, he is responsible for supporting himself.  (An exception would be some catastrophe.)  He may want your money but feel resentful in asking and owing you, much like a teenager might act.  If your pattern changes, maybe his will as well.  Or not.  Just a thought.   

Bamboo2

Sorry to hear about this poor treatment, Raindrops.  I agree with Marina.  Close the bank and let him figure this out.  Keep the relationship clear of financial entanglements.  As a grownup, he needs to learn to stand on his feet and not rely on you for help.  It seems he just expects that you will come to his financial rescue, and that's not good for him or you.  When you take a step back, you are actually helping him to grow up.  Your relationship may improve over time.  But you will have been clear about letting him know that it is his life and his responsibility to figure out how to get what he needs and wants.  Even if you don't hear from him for a while, look at the long view of your decision to let him deal with his own financial issues.  Hard?  Yes.  But now you've got momentum behind you, so use that to help him develop more internal resources.  Best of luck to you!!

gettingoldandcranky

sorry you are going through this.  it's a long, heartbreaking road.  we lent son and dil money a while ago.  no talk of repayment on their part and from what we can see they are still spending on luxuries.  we still don't get calls or visits much.  will not lend again and not looking forward to saying no.  but i am so tired of feeling unwanted in their lives.  i am getting better but have a way to go before i break the cycle.  good luck to you.