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Argument with son

Started by raindrops_on_my_soul, July 11, 2017, 11:27:15 am

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raindrops_on_my_soul

Hi wise women,

I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

kate123

Hello Raindrops, Our kids seem to think that we are just not as busy as they are so we should be at their beck and call. Funny I saw this post because just this morning I said to someone "I think I will only call or take calls from my son when I am in the car to and from work, as he does". He will never call or answer from home, where the kids are so I might talk to them. It is almost like I am a dirty little secret. So that is my plan- only take call in the car. What is good for the goose...petty? maybe. But I am his mother and VERY tired of not being treated as such.

kate123

Oh, and when he does call me when I am in my car and he says "I've been trying to call for weeks, where have you been?" I will say "oh, sorry, but I haven't been in my car when you called". LOL. Do you think he will get it?

luise.volta

I have a friend that does that. She calls every day on her way to work. She says it shortens the trip (25 minutes) for her and it's the only time she has to connect. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

jdtm

I found that when I became "unavailable", I was more valuable (not much more, mind you) to our family.   After I reached a certain birthday and dealt with some health issues, not only do I not have much "spare" time or "excess" money; I decided that I would come first.   Boy - that was a strange concept.  No one (except my mother) had ever put me first, so I decided it was about time.  I never told anyone - I just do it!   The first person I consider is me - husband is second.  Life is so much easier now.

luise.volta

I love that, J., we have to put babies first for them to survive...and I think it may be an artform to know when to stop. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

kate123

Yes Louise, I get the time constraints. But it is that, that is the only time he makes to connect with ME, he does not do that with others. Guess I should be grateful he even speaks to me?

raindrops_on_my_soul

Thank you all for the responses, they mean so much to me :) Kate your idea is fantastic! I think my phone is going to start being dead or left in the car most of the time hehehe.........

luise.volta

It is similar but also very different. K. My friend is not family! Sometimes we are thrown crumbs and they are better than nothing but not always. More hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

kate123

I guess it is better than nothing, but I would sure like to be at least equal to others in my AC's lives.

As you may have noticed I love sayings and quotes. Sometimes they express what we cannot put into words ourselves. Here is another one I like...

"Friends are family we choose"

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

malfoyfan

My son is the same way - calls when he's in the car or walking the dog.  LOL  Lately I haven't bothered picking up the phone anyway.  I'm so frustrated with him I don't really enjoy talking to him.  A few years ago I'd feel honored to get a call but times have changed.

luise.volta

M, I honestly feel honoring ourselves and stopping even subtle abuse, is the road to self love. We 'set the bar', so to speak. Good for you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama