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Uninvited AGAIN

Started by kathleen, June 28, 2010, 07:27:37 am

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Luise, I am still having trouble starting a new thread, so again apologies if this shows up in the wrong place.

Anyway, I just found out that a year ago my father's stepson came to town, called my adopted son, and he and our granddaughter and DL and the stepson all got together and never invited us along.

I thought I was getting over all this!!!  But the emotions came rushing back again!!!!!  Anger, resentment---especially at having to deal with resentment!  Anger at having to deal with anger!  Hurt to be dealing with hurt!  AGAIN!!!!!  Have to stop thinking about how great I was to my father's stepkids!  Of course, he may have been kept completely in the dark about the cutoffs.

We would be so much off never hearing another word about these people we used to think were family.

Help please,



I agree Kathleen, I think when we hear about what is going on with them, all the emotions come rushing back in on us.  Just because we are learning to deal with our issues, doesn't mean we still don't feel the pain.  Just like I can forgive someone, but I don't forget.

We forget we are human.

Hang in there Kathleen and vent away.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Dear Kathleen:

Yep!  Hold on....this too will pass .   
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


Bless your heart. Salt in old wounds. I'm so sorry had have had to go down this road....again. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama



I just read your post that Val isn't well.  Makes my troubles seem a lot smaller.  I hope and pray for his best health.  It is so kind of you to reply to my email when you are in such straits.

I'm over the first phase of anger, disgust, and hurt.  This seems like my back pain.  As I learn to manage it, the attacks lessen and
get easier to manage and repair faster.  I have to stay faithful to the mental exercises and upgrade them during an attack, just as I pay closer attention when my back gives me issues.

I have to say, though, I have REALLY had it this time.  I got a wonderful, wonderful letter from my pen pal in England.  I haven't been writing to her that long, and, as always, I held back about telling her of my son and DIL and their cutoffs and attempts to damage us.  Finally, as she often writes about her own grandson and I never write about my granddaughter, I felt I had to tell her, and to my surprise, her own sister has the same thing---with an adopted son!  Her sister and husband gave and gave and gave, he caused problem after problem after problem, and when he grew up he just "took off."  I find the more I open up about this---cautiously, courteously, not expecting others to understand or devote too much time to it---the more people I find who are in this situation. 

Take very good care, Luise.  And again, best for Val.  I still hope you can get a real rest. 

I am going away for three weeks, and I hope not to think about my son during that time.  I need a vacation from him.  Probably permanently.



Just for clarification...your father's stepson...so he's your stepbrother?  Is he a lot younger than you or did you not grow up together?  I'm just trying to understand the relationship because you refer to him as if you had more of a caregiver than sister role.


Have a great vacation!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes, Clover, my father remarried and there were two boys, much younger than me, the sons of his second wife (not his biologically.)  I was much more an aunt than a big sister role.  I was great to them.  A year ago the oldest of the two came to town and went out to dinner with my son, DIL and granddaughter and we were not included or informed at all that he was even in town.  That was a year ago.  My father is deceased for quite a while now, he would have been very unhappy to hear this.  He married a much younger woman.  After my dad died, she frequently contacted me for help with this son/stepson, which I freely gave.  I thought we had a good relationship.  This is typical behavior from my son.



I am a little confused, what has it got to do with you that they went out for dinner? 

If your stepbrother didn't tell you he was in town, that is a reflection of your relationship with him and has nothing to do with your son and dil.  Presumably this stepbrother is an adult and as such is perfectly capable of making his own dinner arrangements, if he'd wanted to go to dinner with you, he'd have invited you.  I don't see what your son and dil have to do with this at all, you are assuming they have some knowledge or even input into the fact your stepbrother didn't contact you, or invite you along.

Your son and dil are adults, they can go out to dinner with family without checking in with or inviting you along.  My brothers and I get together without inviting our parents, my parents don't get hurt feelings over it, likewise my parents come over without me inviting my siblings.

I'm sorry but I think you are blowing this out of proportion, I think you need to step back and see it for what it was, a meal out.  This meal was essentially not really your business, just because you have familial ties doesn't mean you have a right/expectation to be involved in any way.


Kathleen, I had a nightmare last night about my son AND my father.  My son and his wife and my grandsons were throwing my personal things out of their house and onto the lawn.  I couldn't gather them up fast enough.  I asked my father (who was never 'there' for me) to stop them, and he just stood there.  I woke up so angry and in so much pain that for a few moments I thought I was dying of a heart attack.  And then, when I was fully awake, I realized that I've been 'stuffing' all my anger and 'unforgiveness' for a long, long time.  This is one of the main reasons I am sick now.  I suspected before, but I know it now.  Don't do this to yourself.  Every illness has a strong emotional component to it.  You need to find a way to handle your anger and your pain, to let go, to forgive.  [I'll let you know how I do.  At least I have some idea of where to start.]

Wishing you well.  Literally.


I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you.  It stings.  Hang in there.  Enjoy your vacation and take a day at a time.
Hugs, Hope


July 03, 2010, 12:50:04 pm #11 Last Edit: July 03, 2010, 02:25:27 pm by luise.volta
It seems to me that one person's mole hill is another person's mountain and visa versa. What we all seek is to express so we don't internalize negative emotions and yes, get sick. This is the best place I know of to vent and be heard. We need both. The being heard, understood and supported is essential. As soon as possible, we need to let go of the details, and the he said/she said and pass on being right. Well, at least I do.That's where I trip up. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes but Luise aren't we supposed to help each other decide which are the battles to fight and which are the ones to let go?  My view is this one is a let go, its beyond Kathleen's sphere of influence.  I'm sure we all feel hurt at being left out, I understand totally.  I just don't see that this is any more her dil and sons fault, than it is her stepbrothers.  I'm thinking she has bigger fish to fry than this issue.


Post - that's what I was espousing...letting go. It's just that some of us have more fight in us than others and some are thinner skinned. I for one vacillate. I can be dropped in my tracks one time and be valiant the next. My perceptions can be like the shifting sands.

We offer options. That's a wonderful thing.  8)

I am very attached to the concept of our sphere of influence, as well. We can get distracted by things we can't change and obsess about them to the point that we fail to see where we can make a difference. Agreed.

And a vacation can sometimes cure all evils! (At least temporarily!!!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


My bad I misunderstood.

I love the sphere of influence, it kind of goes hand in hand with the poem about accepting the things we cannot change and the courage to know the difference.