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overbearing SIL and passive daughter

Started by BellaMama61, March 29, 2017, 02:05:55 pm

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Hi all, I am brand new here.  One daughter grown whom we've always been super close to as our only child. She married a nice guy two years ago whom we have always treated as our own. All was well til he wanted a dog.  That's fine but I  (MIL) am er room type allergic.   When we told him this, and expressed our concerns over never being able to visit them at all he was very rude.   He basically threw a giant temper tantrum ( he's a spoiled and wealthy kid ) and for some reason our daughter just goes along very passively with every decision from the house to the decor, the car and now the dog.  Evidently he hadn't realized my allergies were that bad (they truly are. I can handle a hypoallergenic dog and said so).  But he wants what he wants when he wants it.  We were told on the phone  "we love you but a dog IS HAPPENING in the rudest;, most lay down the law way one could imagine. We were horrified, not least by the fact that our daughter was mute.
I received a bouquet of flowers the next day (threw them o.u.t. as I was disgusted at his behavior.
He has hidden from us for the past three weeks although has. Chimed in on phone calls says "we love you". Etc.
Now we hear today that they are getting a poodle. Not the dog he wanted but hypoallergenic.   I am being told that I matter to them by my daughter.
She's frantically trying to smooth the feathers here.  What do you think?  I'm crying buckets over this awful rift mostly because our beloved daughter just sat there and let him talk to us like that. She's never been someone who could ever even speak up as she hates confrontation.   His personality overwhelms hers and rather than fight she goes along with everything he wants to do.
Could use some advice!!!! Thank you all!!!


Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My view may be a 'stand alone' but I agree with your son in law. It's his home and you don't live there. Your medical condition is unfortunate but it is your issue not theirs. They get to have a dog if they wish and whatever kind they want. The flowers, it seems to me, was a kind gesture.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I do agree with this.  But I was only informing him, of my medical issues  not directing him in what he should do.  We have never and would never attempt to stick our noses in that way.  To let someone know that their decision to get a dog will preclude us ever coming over is just honesty.  Imagine if we didnt!  In no way did we ever expect that just letting him know that we'd be in trouble if we visited would cause his temper tantrum and rudeness to us. I believe that you may have misunderstood here although I do thank you for the input.


Our site is a take what you want and leave the rest, B. We don't defend or debate. You will hear from others and get a broader view, I'm sure. Hugs
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Bella, if you read through the many, many posts on this site about sons,  daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, you would realize how incredibly blessed you are to have a son-in-law who loses his temper and then apologizes by sending flowers. I would give anything if my son would do that. People lose their temper. They say things they don't mean. It happens by and to all of us. The fact that they got a poodle instead of what he would have liked--that says that you do indeed matter to them and you are very, very fortunate. Now spend a half hour reading some other posts here.


Welcome, B. My family has allergies too, so I understand the issue from all sides. It's a good sign that a poodle was chosen! I agree with the others that it seems they are trying to show you that you matter to them. Your daughter must have her reasons to defer to her mate, and I understand you'd rather see her speak up - but it is their marriage and must be worked out by the two of them.

I was hurt when my DS bought a high-end car that my DIL refused to allow on our country (dirt) road. I was sure we'd never see them again! But really, why should he buy an SUV or a truck to drive daily in the city? So I offered to pick them up at the nearest paved parking area. Works out well  ;)

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


B., I don't see any reference in your original post about a poodle. You wrote that told your SIL that you 'could' tolerate a hypoallergenic dog but I didn't get that was what he had chosen or wanted. Could you clarify this for us? A question that has also come to mind for me involves your DD not telling him before he got a dog that it would stop your visits out of necessity. If so, he may have been really excited about the dog and your response might have caught him off guard. To most of us here, his response was pretty immature and childish...but growing up is a kind of unpredictable thing. The title of 'adult' seems to have to be earned through trial and error...choices and consequences. It can be tough to watch and be at the effect of. Focusing elsewhere on what brings you joy beyond your daughter and her marriage, as suggested by several members here who have hit similar road blocks, may help. We're in your corner!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


You have it in a nutshell.   DD could've avoided all of this by simply telling him that.  She has found puppies, thought they were hypoallergenic,  did get him all excited about this and I had to tell her  (emphasizing that the dog choice was NOT MINE BUT THEIRS.  I had to tell her they were not and it would limit my visiting if at all.  Floods of tears I think because she'd thought it would magically work out.  We had asked her to let us know their decision and that was thr phone call that exploded with him telling us basically butt out.  He has a perfect right to this but yes, she didn't tell him as stated she is unable to speak up on any topic to him. That's for them to work out.   And yes we found his reaction childish but also feel he was caught off guard. Thanks for not jumping down my throat. And yes, a poodle was not originally desired.  My daughter found out about them.  To my SILs credit he's the one who was unaware of the severity of my allergies.   Once he was, he is the one who suggested a hypoallergenic dog.


Thanks, B., for the clarification. They have a lot to work out, like most young couples and it's hard to watch...or at least it was for me all those years ago. Although poodles are retrievers and therefore hunting dogs, even the large ones don't look like a 'manly' choice to some guys. The miniatures have given them a bad rep...riding around in 'mother's purse.'

When you can, give yourself some distance. Crying over it and throwing out the flowers...indicates to me that you are also 'growing into' your role. I am 90 with a great granddaughter who's 24 and I'm still learning!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama